Sorry to issue the high alert. Please rest assured that my Eggo is safe. The danger is only figurative.
For now.
But we still have to talk about some things.
First the Fat Boys break up; now every day I wake up, somebody takes something away. My childhood memories are under attack. Maybe yours, too.
There were the new Looney Toons a few years ago that WB called the “Loonatics.”
(Scare the hope and dreams out of children much? They made toys of those; in prisons, probably, considering how much they look like the original models were just sharpened into shivs.)
There was that Alvin and the Chipmunks with Jason Lee.1
(By the way, what are those? And is the new Theodore wearing ski goggles? Apparently he’s gearing up for the Giant Slalom life becomes after childhood.2)
Then they started committing to making movies out of some of my favorite games; out of some of my favorite memories.
Battleship?
Risk?
Monopoly?!
But why?! Why are they doing this to me? Leave. my memories. alone. I expected to die with them intact, absent whatever frequent nights of drinking and tangentially related repression have cost me. I expected that when I was 80 or so, I could tell kids about Risk, a game of world domination, and that they’d assume I was just talking the crazy, not that they’d know it as the feature film starring Will Smith as Barack Obama.
I just want things to be the way they used to be. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back. And I don’t mean Chili’s baby back ribs;4 I mean the light in my eyes that is starting to dim.
I also want an explanation. Does no one have any ideas for movies? Because if paying people to sit in a room and decide things like “how to make Battleship a movie” is what Hollywood is doing these days, I, too, often have less developed ideas than chimps do and I can be out to L.A. by the end of the day.
__________
1Why, Jason? Why?
2This ski reference was one big excuse to remember Picabo Street. Yep: just because.
3Neveryoumind that this whole Monopoly City Streets project between Hasbro and Google sounds awesome. Let’s assume that doesn’t shred my point to pieces.
4Barbecue sauce.
I’m just thankful there are some classics no one is going near. Like He-man and She-ra. No remakes of those in the near future!
And “Goonies” and “The Neverending Story”—they aren’t trying to make 21st century versions yet!
All in good time, I know…
I will throw TWO tantrums if they touch The Neverending Story.
Jason lee…you were in “Almost Famous”, a movie I think doesn’t get due snaps because of the precocious Kate Hudson. You are BANKY, one of the most amazing characters ever. And then, THEN, you do this. The fucking Chipmunks. Why indeed.
Yes. You understand.
This is a sad day indeed. What’s next? A Lego movie?! They need to stop this madness and come up with original ideas for movies!!
I have strong feelings about this apparently.
I don’t believe in boycotting any Lego movie. But I refuse to watch it sober.
There are no original ideas left apparently. Or so, that’s what they’d have you think seeing as they can’t come up with a SINGLE ONE.
I think it all (re)started with the comic book movies phase.
I somehow missed the Loonatics, and I’m not sad about that. I’m also anti the fact that they’re making all these children’s books into movies (“Where the Wild Things Are”, “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”)…just read to your kids!
And Battleship? Really? Watch out for Connect Four, next.
I will throw a tantrum if someone makes a Connect Four movie.
There’s been a couple of times I went back and watched something I adored as a kid, and it completely ruined it for me. Now I don’t even watch the ORIGINALS so as to preserve my memories the way they were… I’m sure as hell not going to watch something that’s been tampered with.
Like locking them away in your own personal vault? That might be a good idea.
Loonatics? Seriously?
Honestly, retro for movie industry is such an AWFUL fad. give to fashion and let people reminisce, but don’t ruin them for us Hollywood
Retro movies fail. Quote me on that, unless you can find reasonable exceptions. If you can, this never happened.
OMG, YES! I wrote about the movies being made from board games (AND Where’s Waldo!) a while ago. INSANITY! I was so against the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie, too, but then I watched it and actually enjoyed it a little… A LITTLE! To make up for it, my best friend and I watched The Chipmunk Adventure last night. Good to see my child-sized chipmunks back in cartoon form and not CGI!
Loonatics are fucking scary. WTF is that?!
The Loonatics might just give me nightmares.
Hannah- For the last few years there have been rumors of either a goonies sequel or a remake!! Scaryyyy!!
And Heman and She-ra movies are apparently in the works.. Jennifer Garner to play she-ra what???
And yes Marie…. WB is rumored to be working on a Lego freaking movie. I KNOW??!
I heard also Candy land and Hot Wheels?
I don’t know, I just don’t know anymore…
That can’t all be true, can it? Dear god.
noooo! they’ve also taken inspector gadget away from me; PLEASE leave he-man and she-ra alone!!
There are totally already movies based on various Lego products (Bionicle anyone?). And they’re remade just about every cartoon we grew up with.
This phenomenon that you speak of is rampant these days. One of my very most favorite John Mayer lyrics is from the end of 83 when he asks “Whatever happened to my lunch box? When came the day that it got thrown away? And don’t you think I should have had some say in that decision?”
They should not be allowed to tear up our childhood without our permission, damnit.
I had NO idea they remade Looney Tunes. The Loonatics? Seriously?! Those things are SCARY!
Let’s just sing the Fraggle Rock song and forget any of this other stuff ever happened.
Down in Fraggle Rock! clap clap
“But why?! Why are they doing this to me? Leave. my memories. alone”
I feel the exact same way and thank you for posting about it!
I almost gagged when I heard they were making am “Astroboy” movie and when it came out, it naturally was horrible.
Hollywood-Get some new ideas and stop bastardizing children’s classics from the 80s!
This really is great, my son really loves star wars lego and frequently bugging me about it – this page has clarified many of my concerns. Time for additional exploring!