[Note: for purposes of this conversation, you should imagine my voice sounds like the bass dude from a mid-90s R&B boy band]1
*ringring*
you (collectively): hehroh?
[Wait; stop. Cut post. I forgot to mention I imagine you say "hello" like Scooby-Doo. Okay. Let's start this from the top.]
*ringring*
you: hehroh?
me: hey. it’s Effbee.
you: yeah, right. i’d recognize that voice anywhere.
me: look, we need to talk. you might want to sit down for this.
you: it’s not mine.
me: what?
you: the baby you’re about to tell me about. i don’t have time for a–
me: i can’t even have babies. you know i’m a dude, right?
you: …
me: the point: we’ve been cool for a while now. like, over a year.
you: yeah..
me: but i have a secret. i feel like i’ve been living a double life. my name isn’t actually “f.B” or “Franco Beans.”
you: excuse me while i struggle under the weight of my surprise.
me: you knew?
you: if you are asking whether i knew your parents didn’t put a name with a period and blatant miscapitalization on your birth certificate, i’m saying “yes.”
me: and you didn’t say anything?
you: i figured you’d tell me when you were ready.
me: well, i’m ready. it’s Brad.
you: B-Rad! like that wack-ass dude in Malibu’s Most Wanted!
me: no. stop that.
you: then “Brad” like the brunette chick on Hey Dude?
me: nonotlikethatbrunettechickonHeyDude!
you: whoa.
me: sorry. childhood nomenclatural trauma. anyway, the thing is, it hasn’t been a total secret. some of you knew and some of you didn’t. so i’ve been kinda going behind some of your backs, giving up the real name goods.
you: wait. who’s “you?” am i “you?” or is there some other “you?” this is getting confusing.
me: you you. well, some of you, you. you’re a collective.
you: whatever. slut.
me: what?
you: just felt right.
me: i guess that’s fair.
you: …
me: …
you: so is that it?
me: yeah. i guess so. it doesn’t sound nearly as momentous as it did in my head.
you: because it wasn’t. like, at all.
me: oh, well. it was nice to finally talk to you and not, like, at you.
you: we done?
me: huh? oh, yeah. sure.
you: cool. holla.
*click*
*click*
_____________
1Yes, even if you know better.
Ahhh, the unveiling of The Real Name. I’m impressed, man. Proud of ya.
Love the dialogue, too. Is that what things sound like in your head sometimes? Because, if so, that’s freaking awesome.
That is what things sound like in my head almost all of the time. Absolutely.
This was very entertaining. Congratulations on reaching a new level of comfort with the internet.
Haha. That is a great way to put it. I am at home with the internet; cozy, even.
*Had no idea what your name was*
…
*Totally lying*
Nuh uh. You’re totally just covering for the fact that you forgot my name until this post.
Nice to meet you and I promise never to call you “B-Rad”.
He was just so lame! And not very funny. So thanks.
I like it. I’d say nice to meet you, but um, we’ve already met so that would be weird because then you’d think I forgot who you are and you’d think I was weird and all and it gets awkward….
…so all I wanted to say is awesome introduction to your real name.
Thanks. I tried to hide the actual point behind jokes and stuff. Glad it worked. Well, sorta. I guess I didn’t hide the point at all. At least there were jokes, though.
As far as name reveals go, this is definitely one of the best I’ve seen. Muy bien.
(And, for the record, I’d noticed that you’d started leaving comments with “brad” instead of “f.B” and I thought, good for him! I’m still not there yet.)
I realized I never really say anything I’m ashamed of. It felt like it was time to stop flirting with being open.
Hehroh. (Again.
)
What brought about this sudden exhibitionist streak?
A few projects in mind; realizing as I move forward that I don’t need the veil and it actually probably works against me. I’d rather things be seamless.
I can’t believe you’re cheating on me, with another “you”. It took you long enough to give it up! I spilled the beans long ago.
Cheating? Ha! So you did mean to call me a slut. I knew it.
Its liberating, isn’t it?
I wonder why I waited so long. Nice to have you join us.
Just got to a point where I realized there isn’t any real separation anyway.
Hey Dude! I loved that show!
Not the point? Right. Congrats on your newfound…freedom?
Thanks. And I loved the show, too. When I looked on IMDB, I couldn’t believe it only ran for three seasons.
3 seasons? That’s it? I was totally into the will they or won’t they thing they had going on with Ted and Brad. Ah, young love.
Only 3: 1989-1991. Yet it seemed so epic.
hahahaha I literally had this exact conversation with you in my head when I saw that you were Brad the other day.
Michael McCary’s voice and all.
and speaking of voices and Brads. Is it weird that growing up I reallly wanted to talk like Brad from Hey Dude? She had this throaty scratchy thing going on, and she had brown hair like me.. and I’m a big weirdo.
But, nice to meet you!
Throaty/scratchy is hot. Like Angie Harmon, who was on Law and Order for a few years.
not only do you have the boy-band-bass voice for this whole convo in my head, there’s background music playing, because it’s that section in the middle of a boy band song where the other members start to hum and the bass guy starts off with “baby..” and goes on to explain the depth of his love / why they can’t be together / his real name.
Oh, yeah. That’s my part. Don’t forget the aromatherapy candles around the bathtub.
Oh Christine Taylor. Oh David Lascher. What? Everyone doesn’t know their real names? Man, I loved that show.
I really like calling you effBee in my head. Even though I already knew better.
You can keep calling me Effbee. Still fits.
I feel like somehow, I already knew your name. Weird.
I know. Twilight Zone material.
you never cease to bring the laughs. i quite like that.
I try; very hard.
You could still use f.B. effectively, with the B standing for Brad. But Franco-Brad kind of sounds like a Bavarian sausage, especially if you put an umlaut over the “a”.
That was a dumb comment, but take from that what you will.
hahahahaha, that was great, Brad (that felt great to write)… I am not spilling my beans yet though, maybe I am shy
I noticed you started leaving your comments under “Brad” instead of “f.B” and I figured something was up.
It has been a mystery so far to me, sir. Hahaha thanks for unveiling it, Brad.:) B-Rad!
[...] just not Franco Beans anymore. Pretending that I am stifles me. I have an actual name certified since birth and real goals that this façade doesn’t serve. I had always wanted [...]