So, um, I don’t know much about cars.1 I know this is a shocker. Everything about this blog says I should be well-versed in automotive technology. But I was raised by a parent who leased rather than purchased and so took the car right back to the dealer for it to worry about if something went wrong. Everything I know about cars comes from having watched Mona Lisa Vito’s critical testimony in My Cousin Vinny.
All that said, I think I know more than the guy whose testimonial is featured in one of the latest Ford commercials for its 2010-model Flex.
The dude is all excited that the Flex has keyless entry, which comes in handy if he locks his keys inside. But then he spends the remainder of the commercial — a clear majority of it — praising the Flex’s comfort level for dudes who wear skinny jeans.
Skinny jeans.2
The guy is excited that he can leave his keys in the car and still get in and out of it, thereby allowing him to wear skinny jeans when he drives. Obviously, if he had to carry his keys while wearing skinny jeans, they’d create a bulge in his pocket and press against his thigh and who wants that? Obviously.
And we needn’t even talk about just how good of an idea skinny jeans are for men generally. Why stop at slim fit jeans when you can just squeeze your balls like oranges?3 Nothing says “confidence” like self-induced eunuchism. But far be it from me to tell another man what he should wear. I used to think that fashion only played a role in choosing a car if you were a) vain or b) “wearing” a prosthetic leg or a wheelchair. Now, I know better.
Naturally, I’ve now added “whether it will allow me to commit fashion errors” to the top of my wishlist for car features. Actually, I should probably go call Zipcar and thank them for making all of their cars so skinny-jeans-friendly, since I can unlock them with a card or my phone. I’ll remember to complain, though, that their seat belts wrinkle my ties.
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1I do know everything about hovercrafts, though — hoverbikes, hoverboards, whatever.
2Is making commercials really this easy?
3passerby: “Hey! That guy pissed himself! Look at the wet spot on his skinny jeans! What a tool.”
guy in skinnies: “Huh? No; it’s cool. Just juiced m’scrotes.”
This is a sad, sad day that just might turn into a good thing. Perhaps all of those precious, precious hipsters will realize that gnad grabbing jeans can, by definition, no longer be cool because they’re in a Ford commercial? Oh, one can dream.
Nothing says “trendy” like selling Ford cars.
Seriously no matter how expensive and awesome a guy’s car is, if I see him wearing skinny jeans I’ll be seriously disturbed.
I don’t know how expensive the Flex is. I just can’t imagine liking it because of jeans.
It’s the Flex. All about flexibility, I’m thinking. Key to the name. Or the keys. Or something.
Yeah, it’s just bad.
Right. Flexible. You can wear whatever you want in it. That was the best I could do, too.
I’m really just looking for a car what will shield my crotchal area from other drivers as I sit with one knee up on the seat. It is comfortable for me to sit this way, skirt or not… and I try to offend as little people as possible. If you find a car that fits my fashion needs, please let me know!
I think the good people at Honda have a Del Sol with your name on it.
Zoicks, and I thought the stereotypical poor little rich girl “I had to exchange my Mercedes because it clashed with my nail polish!” was the be-all, end-all of vanity dictating automotive choices. Oh hipsters. Always proving me wrong.
Except when I call them d-nozzles. In which case. We seem to be like pretty much in agreement.
Also, dude, check out my new band, Keyless Entry and the Just-Juiced M’Scrotes.
That is a GREAT band name.
i have been trying to think of a way to write a comment for 30 minutes to try and give me an excuse for owning a pair of skinny jeans, but the truth is there is no excuse. BUT the material is kinda stretchy, not sturdy jean-like, and kind of feels like i’m not wearing pants at all. tights that look like jeans, let’s say. do i make them work? i don’t care. i’m the one who can feel the nice breeze.
doesn’t make me want this car.
Really — breezy? Maybe I spoke too soon about the jeans themselves. I always imagined they’d be like wearing a boa constrictor. Had no idea they might actually be comfortable.
FALSE.
If I was wearing skinny jeans I would NOT be able to climb up into that car.
Brilliant point. The whole thing is disingenuous.
THANK YOU.
We saw that commercial last night and were all, SERIOUSLY!? and I maybe would have thought about posting about it except that I might have worn aqua skinny jeans on Saturday night, and even if it WAS for a Halloween costume I’m pretty sure that means I can’t make fun of them.
But Ford? You are still fair game, my friend.
Your costume and this dude = not even close. You didn’t tell us you wore them because you could get in and out of cabs with more style.
While I was walking home from work the other day, I thought to myself: “What kind of man wears skinny jeans?”
The kind of man who chooses his car to suit his need to wear skinny jeans. It’s all so clear now.
Thank you.
This is an educational forum.
Oh yeah…not a fan of Ford’s new ads. I mean, I like my skinny jeans, too, but I’m not a guy. And if he’s that worried about carrying his keys…what’s he gonna do with his wallet?
Exactly. Or his phone. He didn’t think it through very well.
This skinny jeaned insanity must end. It is so unattractive.
Also, now all I can think of is:
“Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear blue water…..BAM! A FUCKIN’ BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YOUR HEAD! YOUR BRAIN ARE LAYING ON THE GROUND IN LITTLE BLOODY PIECES. Now, I ax ya. Would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?”
Seriously, that may be my favorite scene from any movie ever.
I can’t argue. I love that scene. I hope no one even dares to remake that movie in 30 years, or whatever.
i work for Ford. the target demographic for the flex is NOT, i repeat, NOT for dudes who wear skinny jeans. it’s just… NOT.
also, i think every engineer in my office right now would love to beat that dudes ass.
That’s so much of why the commercial didn’t make any sense.
Skinny jeans on people in general irritate me. Only 9.54% of the population can handle skinny jeans. The rest should be left to the imagination.
And many of us have very good imaginations. We could make it work.
Ok, see I read the skinny jeans thing from the Michael Kelso angle…”the keys distract from my natural bulge!”
It’s still an absolutely retarded premise on which to advertise a car, but I get where they were (trying to) coming from.
That’s true. Nothing should ever out-shine the bulge.
You lost me at skinny jeans.
And I didn’t get you back at “m’scrotes?”
That sounds all sorts of wrong.
i’m sort of sad i haven’t seen this commericial before, because i suspect the look on my face when coming across it with no warning would have been special.
Oh, definitely. Mine probably was.
My daughter is 15 and wears skinny jeans. Ok. Then I drop her off at high school and see high school guys wearing skinny jeans. What? Now this…and adult male wearing them? WTF? I must be getting old. I don’t get it. **scratching head**
I just always thought they were skinny because they were really tight. And that sounded like a bad idea. But I’ve never worn them. So I could obviously be very wrong.
That is wrong. Men wearing skinny jeans are wrong. And disturbing. I am going to have nightmares tonight.
I’ll work on something for tomorrow maybe that gives better dreams.
Now I want to go watch this commercial, which says to me that the advertiser’s won!
I don’t wear skinny jeans ‘cuz my knotz dont fit.
I love prvcy jeans! They are the best jeans I’ve ever worn. All of the hot stars including Carrie Underwood are wearing them too!