I have a confession to make.
I don’t–
Wait. I should probably lay some groundwork. I’ve got to build up to this.
I’m a pretty smart dude. I’ve spent almost 85% of my years as a student. I can do long division and F.O.I.L.1 I also played sports as a kid. I’ve already mentioned my basketball days, but I played baseball, too, so I’ve got great hand-eye coordination. And I’ve even played a bunch of instruments — violin, trumpet, harmonica, guitar — so I’m not club-handed; I can display gentle, controlled energy with these fingers. When it comes to brushing my teeth, I exert the proper amount of pressure — enough to lift stains, not so much that I erode enamel — every single time. Yet, there’s a skill that evades my grasp.
I do not know how to use chopsticks.
It feels weird admitting that. I feel like I just told you that I’m completely incapable of surviving in this society, like a never-nude born into a nudist colony, or like Snuffleupagus, a mammoth from a time long passed, out of his element in the multicultural modernity of city life on Sesame Street.
Okay. Yes: that analogy was forced. But man do I miss me some Snuffleupagus.2
The point: all this “refinement” and I’m still skewing, stabbing, spearing and spilling any Chinese, Thai or Burmese food I eat. Don’t even get me started on the atrocity that is me eating Vietnamese food.
Perhaps the strangest thing is that I own a set of 10 chopsticks. They’re in the house all the time. And so you’d think, free from the judging gaze of eatersby at adjacent tables, I’d practice practice practice until I got it right. But it’s like I’ve already given up.
I hope we can still be friends.
_____________
1First, outer, inner, last (baby). I even have the Urban Outfitters’ t-shirt to prove it.
2Did you ever know there’s a Disney World-like place for Sesame Street? It’s Sesame Place. It was amazing (and not just because it’s owned by Anheuser-Busch).
I will help you my young grasshopper.
I need all the help I can get.
ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT REFERENCE!!!!
I may not be all caught on my Always Sunny, but I do love me some AD.
And don’t worry, I don’t know how to use chopsticks either. Why bother when a fork is so much more efficient?
I wish you had seen the dude who went as Tobias on Saturday. Actually, maybe LiLu has a picture..
LiLu DOES have a picture, but the asshole was covering up his body.
NEVER NUDE!!!
Covering? But he was so committed..
Dude. Chopsticks kick my ass every time.
And I am officially gangster. Like, officially.
Forks are totally more efficient. AND you can get more food on it securely that is more guaranteed to hit your lips.
You know what you can’t eat with chopsticks? A steak.
You also cannot eat a fried chicken leg.
If I use chopsticks, it’s like I’m in some sort of endurance test… can I do this long enough to get food to my mouth? (A great means of dieting.)
And First, Outer, Inner, Last sounds dirty. Based on it’s proximity to long division, I’m guessing it’s not.
Oh, it’s dirty. But that’s how I like my math.
chopsticks are the devil
They at least have a “devil may care” attitude with me. They just refuse to be controlled.
Fuck chopsticks.
Ha. Sounds like we’ve hit a nerve. Have chopsticks wronged you?
I do not know you!
I’m.. I’m so sorry. This was a hard post to write.
I didn’t learn how to master my chopsticks until I went to get sushi with a friend post-college. She was appalled that I couldn’t even pick up SUSHI, which, let’s face it, is like the basic arithmetic of chopsticking. (Does that make sense?) Anyway, she spent the entire dinner coaching me until, finally, I could feed myself without spraying the entire restaurant with rice and raw fish. It was a life-changing dinner, to say the least.
She just gave you a crash course? Nothing like a little public shame. I think that would definitely work for me.
I usually end up stabbing things with them.
It’s so much easier. Except for rice.
Just for you, Jenn…
The Tobias!!!
I knew it!
You know what helped me? I started eating popcorn with chopsticks. Once you master the popcorn, sushi is no big deal.
Huh. I like a challenge. Okay.
Stupid chopsticks. I quit fighting them.
They just won’t give in and let me win.
but can you play chopsticks on the piano? Also, I think FOIL is the only algebraic thing that ever stuck with me. I always look for an oppurtunity to use it… but mostly learned that FOIL doesnt come up very often.
Me, too. All that I remember; well, that and how to calculate 20% for tips.
I actually love eating with chopsticks. I have about three or four pairs at home and use them constantly. (Though, admittedly, if it’s been a long day, sometimes I stab as well.)
It’s all about baby steps.
My baby steps are like ugly-baby steps.
I, too, am chopstick-challenged. But I’m also just generally a klutz, so I prefer to spare people the inevitable mess that would ensue if I tried to eat with them.
I eat sushi with my fingers. Who’s judging who now?
I could never judge finger-eating. Fingers are the forks of the body.
P.S. – LOVED the Snuffleupagus reference.
Really do miss that guy.
Want me to make you some of those kiddie ones with the rubber bands?
If you make them and send them, I will use them. Promise.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. You use those chopsticks to stir drinks all the time.
And that is what they’re best for.
I’m just impressed you could spell “Snuffleupagus”. (I had to copy and paste that by the way.)
Don’t tell, but I had to check online.
Good. You were sounding WAY too perfect. Kinda scary perfect…. And I think it’s ok, I still like you
Aw, shucks. Thanks.
I’m Asian & I fake it. (TWSS)
Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m using chopsticks properly or not
I guess there’s a chance I’m doing it correctly. I think it’s a very, very small chance.
a) i had to look at that FOIL link and then i STILL had no idea what it was. we, uh, apparently skipped that day in my school.
b) OMG SESAME PLACE! we went there every summer!
Really?! True story: never met anyone who remembered/had ever been to Sesame Place.
http://www.cb2.com/family.aspx?c=224&f=1349&q=chopsticks&fromLocation=Search&DIMID=400001&SearchPage=1
You’re welcome.
Those are like training wheels for chopsticks? Oddly, I’m not embarrassed to consider that.
I have a strange affinity for FOIL, Snuffy and chopsticks, so this post is perfect. Seriously though, practice with those chopsticks. It’s an amazing feeling when you can finally do it. I’d imagine it’s like winning the Super Bowl.
I’m imagining it would be exactly like that. That’s why I’m still pushing.
Well, I am right there with you. And sushi is one of my favorite foods in the world. Me, attempting to eat. sushi with chopsticks, is bound to be entertainment. I try and try and try, and drop it in the soy sauce, and down my chin, and by the time it gets in my mouth, its a soggy mess, meddled mess. I now only use a fork.
You’ve given up hope? I think I have a little hope left. I have to be able to figure it out. I just have to.
FOIL!
blast from the friggin past.
From my heart to yours.
Are you the person who has the FOIL tshirt. Someone I know has one.
Also, I am superior because I am EXCELLENT at using chopsticks. And playing chopsticks on the piano.
I so am. But I can’t play Chopsticks.
Lots of yummy practice makes perfect!
I did really, really want to eat after I wrote the post.
I’m not that good with them either. Sake helps though.
I like how you think.
A minute’s success pays the failure of years.
I suppose that is the price of reinvention.