Well, not you, kids. I know I often call you “kids.” But today I mean my facial hairs; aka neck-sprouts; aka my-stache support system.
My beard is gone. And I better learn how to face it.
It’s a weird time to be beardless. At least two dudes1 with blogs of the highest repute — 12minds and JP — are starting, not ending, beard campaigns. November is National Beard Growing Month, partly to raise awareness for men’s health, mostly because dudes like growing beards. And so here I am, swimming against the tide.
I had “good” reason. Saturday was Halloween and we, as a spoof of HBO’s Big Love, were Big Black Love. Sure: you could argue that taking a shot at an entire group of people — those who play Mormons on TV and in real life — is insensitive and divisive. But since Mormon-celebrated Brigham Young once saw fit to aggressively preclude blacks from positions of power in the Church of Latter Day Saints, let’s just call this my attempt at a little balance.
Anyways.
I was a black Mormon and Miss Bianca was my wife-one-of-three. For her costume, we spent a whopping $7.90 at a thrift store for some of the frumpiest clothes seen since Laura Ingalls Wilder adorned her mother’s hand-me-downs.
For me, there’s a picture. I don’t think it does our idea justice so lemme ’splain.
No jewelry, contacts instead of glasses, backpack, super-pleated pants, gold-buckle belt, tie, name tag that read “Jebedias Pious,” The Big Black Book of Mormon and propaganda/spirituality cards that read either “Want God? We deliver,” “Ask me about our underwear,” or “More V for your P.” I handed a few of these cards out; one to a lady in nun’s clothing at a nearby table who looked like she’d understand the joke on a deeper level.
But to top it all off, I shaved the beard for that fresh-faced, full-of-joy look. Problem: I don’t even own a razor or shaving cream. I only have trimmers and clippers since, like Tim Taylor, I believe in power tools. So — *braces self for embarrassing admission* — I had to borrow shaving gear from Miss Bianca. That meant a purple razor and Skintimate. I’m not proud. I mean, my face now shimmers with the glow of lavender oil. At least it’s oh-so-touchable, though.
So I’m starting this month with a naked face; a face that hasn’t been truly naked in a year. And it’s a cold, cold world like this, kids (this time I do mean you). Sure: I look more “professional.” But I’m also probably going to start getting carded all the time, now; even when I only ask for beer-battered cheese fries.
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LMao come on you look super fresh!
Haha. Thanks. So fresh and so clean.
You look like you’re 12. But “More V for your P” just made me choke with laughter. Amazing. Worth it.
So 12. I can’t wait to walk into the office this morning.
Haven’t I seen you and someone dressed just like you on bicycles in my neighborhood?
You definitely look younger. I think it’s good to change it up now and then. You always have the option to regrow it if you want.
You have! I meant to knock, but something told me maybe you wouldn’t want what we were selling.
Aaaaamazing. Are you going to re-grow the beard or test the waters in a facialhair-less life? I’m at the 10 day mark with the beard. Thoughts? Itchy.
(I’ve had to use the skintimate shaving cream before. My face smelled like berries. I did not complain.)
I’m gonna re-grow. There’s all this hair on my head and none on my face. I need symmetry!
I will keep my “more v for your p” card forever. You should copyright that asap before the church steals it.
The church so would steal it. But I like ideas that make money, so look out for these at your nearest CVS.
You can follow my beard growing contest on DailyBooth: http://dailybooth.com/phampants
Also, BrandonZeman.com is joining in too! http://dailybooth.com/brandonzeman
The Chicago Guys are all in: http://www.thechicagoguys.com
Sweet. I have no idea why they pushed this into the “pending” category.
Who is that clean-cut fresh-faced young gentleman? So adorable.
He is an impostor!
I felt really odd around you all night, kinda like I didn’t know you at all. It does look lovely, though…just kinda weird at first.
It took me until Sunday morning to be “okay” with it. So I totally get it.
that is the most splendid costume EVER
Thank ya. Miss Bianca took one for the team and went frumpy in thrift store clothes.
you look VERY mormon-y! like, so mormony i’d avoid you at bars. (that’s a compliment! i think.)
You know, I was wondering why it was so easy to walk around in that crowded bar.
Awww..you look cute! Who were your other two “wives?”
Yeah. That’s the only part we didn’t have: actual multiple wives. We just said they were at home with the kids.
Hahahahahahahahaha! Awesome!
Now please grow it back.
Haha. Yes, ma’am.
Oh yeah, you’re so getting carded. But I support your dedication to the costume. Well played.
Total dedication. I fit right in with the “nuns” and “priest.”
I didn’t recognize YOU… and I was the one wearing the 80’s mullet.
I was incognegro.
While I applaud your commitment to what was unquestionably and awesome costume, I wholeheartedly support your decision to grow it back, and here’s why:
Dating someone who always gets carded SUCKS. I’m thinking of Miss Bianca here. She too, will now get carded all the time because you look 12. I once had to drive all the way back to a hotel for my ID because my date got carded and couldn’t buy me a beer.
If you love her, you’ll grow it back.
Everyone keeps saying 12. It’s hilarious that that age keeps coming up. But yeah: it’s coming back with a vengeance. Or not a vengeance. Because that is using words that don’t really fit the context.
Nice pocket protector.
Also, you look years younger without your beard.
At work, people said 18 and maybe even 12.
Not only do you look like a different man- you also look like a fifth grade prep schooler
Yeah. Biggest surprise was that I didn’t get carded that night.
That is such an awesome outfit!!! Love it!!!
I was very pleased with the idea, especially since we didn’t have any others.
Um, and by “outfit,” I mean costume. Bit of a difference there…
It’s cool. Maybe I will wear it more often and make it an outfit and not just a costume.
This reminds me of when I was a kid and my Dad shaved his mustache off and I ran away from him, because I didn’t recognize him. You look totally different! I don’t know what to say now. Good luck with the beard growing? You seem pretty good at it already. But, have fun!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad without a beard my whole life. And I look totally different. I feel like a child.
The backpack really pulls the whole thing together. I mean, where would you be without your missionary backpack?
It’s where I kept by Big Black Book of Mormon and extra spirituality cards.
Ah you like clean shaven! And I have to say, major props on such a creative costume idea. Love it!
Thanks! It was so last minute. Or last couple of hours. But still. Down to the wire.
I’d like to stop shaving my legs….can I play too? In my defense, it’s November in Chicago so I need a little extra insulation.
I have never been as cold as I was when I was in Chicago in November. Why stop at leg hair? In that cold, anything goes.
haha. what a unique costume
Thanks. We tried our best.
I was going to comment on the post itself, like any good commenter, but I saw the word “incognegro” in the comment thread and I had to draw attention to it.
Superhero alias, perhaps? I won’t tell anyone.
Absolutely an alias. Let’s me slip in and out of social situations at will.
That is so awesome!
Nice. really, I love it. No bike and helmet though? (sorry, had to pull my personal bias)
No bike. That would’ve nailed it!
ok. that group costume is amazeballs.
We gave it the good old college try. No regrets.
[...] 16, 2009 by brad My Halloween costume was apparently a premonition; of sorts. We’ll get to that, but first things [...]