After reading this, yesterday, I had a memory.
As a kid, I imagined that by this point in life I’d have a wealth of treasures to my name. At the top of that list were:
a) a set of Power Wheels; one for use inside and one for outside the house, since if Danny Tanner taught me anything, it was that your house will only be full of people who love and care for you if you keep it obsessively clean (read: 65% of all broken homes are due to muddy Power Wheels tracks in the foyer, not infidelity);
b) a Mazda Miata, because, apparently, my mid-life crisis came at the age of 9 (which I suppose means I’m now deep into the twilight of my years); and
c) three wishes and a monkey named “Abu.”
None of these have come true. The Power Wheels one came the closest to being actualized. The girl who asked my parents for my hand in marriage in kindergarten had one. I wasn’t ready to commit, but I dangled my bachelor status for those keys, yo, and “put out” for a few drives. I’ve always been a whore for new technology.
But why am I still waiting on my wishlist? Mostly because I have yet to amass the Scrooge McDuck-like riches I so poorly deserve. One day, I will get mine, but in the meantime, I’ll just judge people who get theirs and then blow it all away.
Case in point: Antoine Walker. After a basketball career in which he made an estimated $110 million over 12 years, he is now the newest MC Hammer protégé at $4 million in the hole.
Why? An example:
And speaking of his mother, he built her a mansion in the Chicago suburbs, complete with an indoor pool, 10 bathrooms, and a full-size basketball court.
He built his mom a house with a full-sized basketball court. I’m sure she’s captain of her very own geriatric intramural league, but that still seems a bit excessive. A half-sized court would’ve been fine. But a full?
And 10 places to pee? None of which include corners, potted plants or dark stairwells? Ten bathrooms. Really.
Yet, here I am with no wishes and no Power Wheels. The world is uneven, kids. Uneven.
The only way to get back at the universe is to play its game. I’m going to scrap my childhood dreams for a wishlist of irresponsible proportions. It will be egregiously excessive and will probably include some of the following:
1. Lit’rally set money on fire.
2. Purchase 6, personality-disordered tigers from Bengal. Why with disorders? I dunno. Seems like it would make taking care of them more expensive.
3. Fill with water, and take baths in, my Bentley.
4. “Ride a white stallion from my bedroom to my toilet.”
5. Produce a musical based on The Smurfs, run it only in the off-Broadway wing of my house and make it everything Cats wished it was. Pay people to come.
1) Hell yeah I still want that power wheel!
2) don’t get the whole blowing $110 million dollars. I am sure I could do it and do it with style and white tigers, but come on?
Great post!
Where does it go? $110 million?
Man, I wanted a Power Wheels soooooo bad as a kid. It was a status symbol for sure.
I still kind of want one.
I wonder what it would say about my status now to roll to work in one.
“Three wishes – no substitutes, exchanges, or refunds.”
I wanted…well, since we’re among friends, I may as well be honest – I want a tiger named Rajah.
Yes. One of the best pets ever. Tender, but firm.
This got gross.
I totally thought I’d have a horse—coincidentally named Spirit—that could turn into a unicorn with wings. (She-Ra, princess of power!!) That or work a job where I could play with a cash register all day.
Now that I think about it, probably a good thing neither of those dreams came true…
Sometimes expectations are better left unmet. But, a unicorn? C’mon. That would still be amazing.
“Case in point: Antoine Walker. After a basketball career in which he made an estimated $110 million over 12 years, he is now the newest MC Hammer protégé at $4 million in the hole.”
Why exactly are sports players paid this kind of money while schools and hospitals are so underfunded and so many people get no social assistance at all?
It boggles the mind and shows how fucked up our society is.
We value being entertained over the basics? That’s my best guess.
Oh I got my powerwheels, I had it for about 1 week. Then my dad backed into with his real truck, and it apparently didn’t have insurance because I never got another one.
And oh my gosh I love your plan to get tigers with personality disorders. What other kind would ya get?
Exactly. What good is an animal that should never, ever, be domesticated, unless it is also stark raving mad?
I thought I’d be a married princess by the time I was 24, and therefore have pretty much anything I could ever dream of. Like one of those Powerwheels.
(Note: I’m now 24. And neither married, nor a princess. And no Powerwheels, either.)
These twentysomething years. I mean, they’re cool and all. Just nothing like we imagined.
You dream big.
I wanted things like Spin Art and that foam shampoo that you could shape into weird stuff on your head. Never got either one. But, once in a while, when I pass the Spin Art in the Toys R Us (where is the backwards R on this keyboard?!), I slow down and think about it.
I had to contend myself with playing with my friend’s Lite Brite. (Lite Brite, Making things with light, Outta sight, Making things with Lite Brite.)
And that basketball court? He says it’s for mom, but it’s totally for him.
I wanted a backwards R earlier today, too! No luck. But you’re probably right. He’s probably using her for the basketball court.
I’m pretty sure everyone wanted a mazda miata at some point. Thank god you didn’t get one though– just… no.
They looked like hot wheels. Actually, they weren’t much bigger at all.
I remember wanting a Mazda Miata. It was yesterday.
Kidding!
(Maybe)
It’s okay. This is a no-judging zone; or a plenty-of-judging zone. Hard to say.
My exboyfriend drove a Mazda Miata! I’m pretty sure you’d have a hard time getting yourself in there…he was a lot…shorter than you are.
I wanted a karaoke machine SO BAD when I was a kid! Now you have to get me really drunk to karaoke. What happened?
Shame. Damn shame; that’s what happened. Now we care about ourselves and have self-esteem. Nonsense, I say.
Can I be in your Smurfs musical? I’m short enough for it.
Absolutely. I have to warn you, though. I’m gonna to have to pay you extravagantly.
LOLLL I’m sure you’ll get it some day.
Awesome post.
I think so, too. Those tigers are waiting for me; somewhere.
mazda miata!!! oh my god, those cars used to be SO cool.
My neighbor two doors down has a Miata. I don’t know how he gets into it every day considering he’s about 6 feet tall and probably about 350 pounds. But he does. Devotion, that’s what that is. Get on your goals. Oh and I am so in for the Smurf musical. I’d even pay for it (but you could send me a 200% rebate to make your wishlist come true). Do they sing anything other than “la la lalalala la la la la laaaaaa”?
Can I just say that I wish I had your wit & humor?
My dreams were small. I wanted a pink barbie bike and when I got it, I realised I’m not the bike-riding type. I pushed that mofo to school, uphill, more times than I can count.
How is an old lady supposed to clean a house that size? Is he trying to kill her?
The off-Broadway wing of your house.
Oh f.B. Oh. You have no idea how much my heart overrunneth with love for this crazy, mixed-up universe after reading that phrase (which is clearly one of the greatest in recent cultural memory.)
$110 mil just doesnt go as far as it used to. Do you know how much it costs to fill up a full size yacht with one tank of gas?
Alot.
i literally do not know HOW to spend $110M. during a summer job one year, my coworkers and i split a bunch of lottery tickets where we’d each end up with like $117M if we won, and started talking about how to spend it. i could do better now, but at the time i could only come up with about $500k worth of ways to blow the cash. now, i’d do a ton of travel – but, like, high-end and stuff! in first class maybe! – but i STILL think it would be hard to get through $110M..
Question. Can the monkey be named “Abed” and think it’s Batman? Because if so, I will get you one in Costa Rica.