I would like to be scared.
I probably shouldn’t have said that. It implies that I, a dude, can get scared, when we all know that real dudes don’t get scared unless there’s a threat of a testicular nature. I am a Real Man of Genius1 and I should carry myself accordingly at all times.
However, I would still like to be scared.
It’s that time of year. There’s something amongst us. I can feel it coming in the air tonight. Oh, lord.2 And I want to celebrate it. So I’ve started looking for movies.
I haven’t had a good run with “scary” movies. I remember that I thought The Blair Witch Project was decidedly not scary. Actually, I watched it with my mom, aunt and little brother and we all shared laughter, not fear. I tried to watch The Others, but fell asleep. I just had to know why there was a Saw IV a few years ago, so I made Miss Bianca sit with me through the first three and then went to the theater to see the fourth. We were disgusted — seriously, seriously disgusted — but not really scared.
Now it’s 2009, there’s yet another Saw movie and I don’t really know where to turn.
Maybe Paranormal Activity? Would that make me shrink in my seat like a willfully-single dude during the garter toss at a wedding reception? I don’t know. I hope so. Because I’m out of ideas.
I remember how spooked The Exorcist had me for months. At that point in life, I was still going to church under the religious watch of my father. Church instills all sorts of impressions of what Satan is, but rarely visions. And so that scene where the devil is dancing on the end of her bed was a complete metaphysical disaster for 8 year-old me. I’ve grown far apart from that specific fear, but I’d still love to doubt whether I should turn out the lights for a few nights.
I could just adjust my Netflix queue, pushing a bunch of movies on “top ten scariest…” lists toward the top, but with less than a week before Halloween and a TV week featuring Community, Always Sunny, MNF, SYTYCD (twice), Top Chef, Cougar Town, Modern Family and playoff baseball, there’s no way I’ll have time to sift through supposedly scary movies. I’d have to luck my way into a diamond in the rough. I need one, solid scary movie that I can count on.
But it’s like movie houses are afraid of genuine fear. Everywhere I look, there’s nothing but ironic fright and poor attempts at mysteries with disconnected plot lines.
Also, this has little to do with anything, but I’ve got a pretty serious hankering for some Ecto Cooler. Eh?
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Me no likey scary movies.
I have heard from other men folk that Paranormal Activity is in fact scary as hell.
Not bitchmade men folk either.
Then that’s what it’s gonna be. I think this problem is solved.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre is my diamond in the rough. I used to love scary movies, but I saw that one a couple years ago and can’t stand anything scarier than Hocus Pocus now. I didn’t sleep for weeks after it and even when I did, I made the bf leave his phone connected to mine so he would wake up and hear the chainsaw and be able to call the police.
I don’t know why, but I really liked Hocus Pocus. Kathy Najimy was hilarious… then.
To say nothing of the scary movie portion of this (I’m weak), I laughed out loud at the “I can feel it coming in the air tonight” comment. And Ecto Cooler? Heck yes.
To this day, I don’t know what Ecto Cooler actually looks like. I’ve only ever seen the outside of the box. I’m cool with this.
I LOVE scary movies!!!!!!
I’ve heard “Paranormal Activity” is pretty damn freaky. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” scared the living daylights out of me. “The Strangers” did a number on me for a few days—those masks!!! As did “The Ring.” And “Poltergeist”—although, that one falls into the camp of “It” and “The Watcher in the Woods” for being horrifying when I was kid but somewhat laughable now, as an adult.
Hmmm… Man. This is going to bug me now: what are some really, truly scary movies?? Hmmm…
Texas Chainsaw Massacre was pretty good; and Poltergeist. But other than Paranormal Activity and Saw VI, the only new movie I can even think about is that new alien abduction/therapy one with the woman from the Resident Evil series.
You’re on your own with the scary movie genre. I peed my pants at Sixth Sense.
<— WUSS
I still wish I had been able to see that movie. Stupid people and they’re ruining the whole secret/plot.
Try The Others again – it’s pretty spooky. Then again, I scare easily. Also, have you seen The Wicker Man? The original British 1970s, I mean — it’s not really scary, per se, but the ending just STAYS with you: it’s just, like, sneaks under the radar and then you’re up at like 3am like “Holy jesus shit.” It’s a combination musical, soft-core porn, horror film. It’s great.
Also, bits of Clue still freak me the fuck out. I totally agree with Professor Plum: I’d be as scared as his car!
I think I love Clue too much to be scared. But I will take this The Wicker Man recommendation and run with it.
Ecto-Cooler= greatest HI-C ever made!
Haven’t had it in so long. I’m sure they’ve got it at Giant.
The Others was creepy, but not scary.
Silence of the Lambs was scary as hell because it wasn’t ghosts and demons, which I don’t believe in, but just really twisted people doing bad things…which can.
True. I have Silence of the Lambs. That was definitely disturbing.
Did “The Ring” not do it for you? I still can’t close my eyes when I’m in the shower, because that movie is so profoundly under my dang skin. (See also: serious shampoo-related retina damage.)
Then again, I also get wake-up-screaming nightmares from episodes of Law & Order: SVU, so maybe I’m not the most reliable authority.
I haven’t seen The Ring. I actually feel silly saying that out loud. I will fix this.
Ecto Cooler was the best. By far.
I don’t even really remember how it tastes. I just remember “delicious.”
a) i’ve never SEEN the guy who sings in those Real Men Of Genius commercials, and he is JUST AS AWESOME as he sounds, so this made my morning.
b) “the shining” scared the shit out of me when i saw it in college, in the “PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME ALONE IN MY ROOM NOW” sort of way, and “the grudge” was the only movie i’ve seen in theaters that had the same effect. (i’ve been told by everyone who’s seen it on dvd, though, that it is just plain ol’ not scary on tv. apparently it only worked on the big screen.)
c) i really want to watch a scary movie now! uh, if my boyfriend is staying over my house, i mean.
The dude behind the voice of the Real Men of Genius was perfectly casted; perfectly. And right.: you can’t really watch scary movies alone.
I also DO NOT do scary movies. A friend dragged me to the theater to see Drag Me to Hell and I spent most of the movie checking the weather on my phone and trying not to jump. (That movie is more funny/campy than scary, btw…I’m that big of a wuss).
Good luck on your quest though!
Thanks. I will be victorious. I must be.
GOD, I LOVED ECTO COOLER!!! That was the shiznit.
I’m hard to scare when it comes to movies as well. One movie that kind of had me was The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Something about religious dogma gets me.
Me, too. That’s why The Exorcist was so rough.
When I was 11 or 12 I sneaked in to see Candyman with my sister and then I ran out because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t walk into a dark bathroom for months…ok… years.
The scariest I’ll go is Shawn of the Dead… I’m such a p*ssy.
Haha. Yeah. More funny than scary.
Try watching some of the “The Making of” The Exorcist. Now THAT’S some scary shit.
The making?? I just got scared thinking about that.
I love scary movies – as long as I’m watching with someone. A few years ago on Halloween I watched “Gothika” with a couple friends and was so sufficiently creeped out that I couldn’t fall asleep for hours after.
It’s usually the surprise factor and the twists that get me the most.
Right. I’m big on surprises. I don’t want to see it coming.
Have you ever visit the Exorcist stairs? I mean you are in DC and all.
Oh yeah! Craziest thing? They lead down to an Exxon now. Weird.
So called horror movies SUCK these days. Nothing but blood and gore. Those old freak the crap out of you for months on end scary movies are sitting in the past.
If you haven’t already, check out Rosemary’s Baby and Omen. That should give you a good fright.
The Omen. I have always wanted to see that. 10 points for you!
Oh did you not even think Blair Witch was scary when you thought it was real? Am I the only one who really believed that nonsense. Sad…
I didn’t see it right away. I think it was a few months later? But no, sorry, we just didn’t get it.
So, all this time Led Zeppelin was singing about “You need coolin”, they were really talking about Hi-C?
Of course. Hi-C is actually at the root of all things music. It’s the original liquid inspiration.
“House on Haunted Hill” remains the only movie that scared me so terribly that I couldn’t sleep right for days.
I remember the title, but can’t place a face or plot. Off to answer these questions.
I think you’re sadly going to have to resort to non-American movies for a real good scare.
Look into Ju-On from Japan. Definitely Netflixable.
Will do. Horizons expanded.
i think paranormal activity is going to be sick scared. and i actually want to check it out.
ok but I come across this blog looking for totally other things. Probably that this page has visibility for a word that actually doesn’t seem to be appropriate to the content I’m reading in your blog