Please don’t think too hard about that title; unless you’re laughing and can imagine Charlie quoting it as Article 9, Sec. 12, clause 4 of Bird Law or something. Then, by all means, snicker away. Your laughs, for me, are like peanuts to a hippo (the undisputed elephant of the river).
The only point behind that title is that the other night I lit a pipe and puffed out a dream to be a proverbial guru. Or a guru of proverbs. Whichever.
Two hundred years from now, when I am 226, as wrinkled as a California Raisin1 but finally at the peak of my sexual maturity, I would like to be the world’s foremost guru of proverbs. I would be called Guverb — pronounced “goo•vurb” — and people would travel lightyears to have me hear their problems and apply the wisdom of gems like this post’s title.
What? Don’t believe I’ve got it in me? You want samples? Fine. Here are a few.
Do not blank the monkey who lies at rest, lest you find a koala that likes your berries.
Please the zebra like you want to; don’t patronize the beast.
If the cookie tastes like a cracker, then it is not a cookie.
Don’t be a menace to South Central, while drinking your juice in the hood.2
You know what? As Guverb, I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. I shouldn’t have shared those with you; shouldn’t have shared those with you without charging! I’m off to call Quotable Cards right now and get my hands on my advance because I can smell the critical acclaim from here.
[Note: this post is valid as admissible evidence at any hearing re: my competence that I am, in fact, incompetent.]
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1I just realized how much they looked like turds.
2What’s that? That’s already been said? My fault.
I hear copyrighting lisences take awhile to procure. You might want to get on that now so as to protect this profound work of yours.
Right. And it’s gonna be 45 bucks a pop. Jeebs.
I love that you referenced the California Raisins. Holy crap. Oh, the random things that make my mornings.
I vaguely remember some family reunion when people dressed up in wrinkled Hefty bags pretending to be them.
So profound…I should probably print some of these up and put them around my cubicle. You know, for inspiration.
Let me know people in your office give you blank stares. I’m afraid of this backfiring.
So is there a class I can audit or something? And where do I sign up?
You can find me at either the third mountain past the sun, or at any number of Jersey diners.
I will send you a pic once the t-shirts are printed.
Hoorah!
My friend Trent likes to play this game where he just starts talking and then says whatever words come to mind, despite the fact that they make no sense. The goal is to use the inflection of normal speech but not actually communicate anything.
Reading this post feels a little bit like listening to that game
.
I think I would love that game. Actually, I should play it right now. Who will the lucky coworker be?
Where do I get one of said koalas?
What?
I smuggle koalas on Sundays before football starts. It’s my side job.
Now kids what do we say to a man that Mommy just met?
Are you my daddy?
That works every. single. time.
Somewhat related… do Poprocks go bad? And where can I find ‘em in DC (need them for … ahem… cooking)
I found them at a Safeway a couple years ago. Or was it a Giant…? I must research.
Your reference to the California Raisins is enough to let me deem you sane for the day.
That’s all it took? I was sure I was crazy.
Your reference to the California Raisins is enough to let me deem you insane for the day.
Insane just for the day? Or are you convinced that I am unreliable from this point on? I have asked too many questions.
Hahaha, I must find a way to use the cookie statement in a conversation… I’m sure that will take me all of five seconds to figure out.
I think you’ve got a great future as Guverb ahead of you.
Thank you. I hope so. It would be a beautiful life.
Article…section…
Haha gotta love it when you said something law-related. Reminds me I just memorized like, 30 articles of Vienna Convention today. Lucky enough not to shoot myself.
Life as a goo-verb will definitely be more satisfying.
30? Ugh. It’s almost the weekend. Hopefully you can party some of that away.
You truly are wise beyond your years.
I sweat wisdom.