This picture has virtually nothing to do with this post.
Let's assume Ron's measuring something culinary.
But I thought it was funny. So it made the cut.
Moving right along.
So there’s this little show that doesn’t get enough exposure. But maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called Top Chef. In high school, I had an idea for a show that would become wildly successful. I didn’t have a premise, character sketches or storylines; only great expectations. Little did I know that 5 years later, I’d see my idea in full bloom as Bravo’s big kitchen-based success. But since I didn’t pitch my idea to any networks or even mention it to any friends, and forgot about it for years, I can only take 70% of the credit for the wonder that is Top Chef.
However, if I actually did have licensing and creative control over the show, there are a few things I’d have to change. I’ll give you the top 3.
It would be broadcast in HD.
Everywhere. And regardless of whether your TV was HD-ready, it would magically be shown in HD. Actually, if you only had a transistor radio, there would be a way to turn that radio into an HD projector that could shoot out Top Chef on the surface of your choosing.
I don’t know who your providers are, but here, with Comcast in DC, the show for which seeing is so much of believing is not shown at the height of its visible potential. It’s not like we can actually taste the food they make. That brings me to the second idea.
Taste-o-vision à la Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Viewers must have the option to have any food plated on the show magically transported through the TV into their living rooms. For a flat fee of $10, that dish that made you drool on your remote or that you bet your roommate would taste like ass is now in the palm of your hands.
Finally, less Survivor-like tasks.
See that picture on the right? That’s Ash in last week’s episode. Can you tell what he’s doing? He’s cooking on top of a chair.
They put all the chefs into one homestyle kitchen — granted, a large one — paired them up, and told them to make dishes worthy of competition while using only certain provided ingredients.
It was a horrible idea. At one point, Ash and Michael got screwed because the key element to successful use of any plug-in kitchen appliance — electricity — disappeared from the socket they were using.1
When Michael explained that he struggled because he unexpectedly had no electricity to the wok he had balanced on a chair, Tyler Florence — guest judge — reminded him that a top chef controls the situation rather than the other way around.
My Top Chef would ban guest judges who say dumbass nonsense.
I’ve never worked in a kitchen, but sure: I imagine you have to learn to roll with the punches. But I also imagine that while that rolling may be literal, the punches are figurative; that if a customer came in and actually started punching a chef in the face, for example, other reasonable customers would understand why their dish was a little late.
On my Top Chef, the focus would be on making good food in functional kitchens under above par conditions. Because, honestly, that’s what I’d be paying for if I went to a restaurant. Maybe that makes me a little fundamentalist with my patronage. But I’m okay with that.
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1Arguably a result of stuffing 8 chefs into one kitchen.
I was on-tilt with how much blame Michael & Ash got for the power outage. Even the real, famous chefs on Top Chef Masters were thrown for a loop by the draconian restrictions in the Top Chef format. A couple of them sent out food that was over-cooked or badly seasoned, and certainly not for a reason as good as, oh, I dunno, a friggin’ power outage while they were forced to cook in the living room?!
Also, totally 100% agree with the taste-o-vision. My Ex had a pretty good idea when I used to make him watch the show: he always said that Bravo should get in bed with some restaurant line and release the ingredients and recipes of the dishes that got cooked to the restaurant, so the restaurant could do a Top Chef episode tasting menu and we could all try the food. I mean, for logistical reasons, maybe they could limit it to the top three or something, or only the easiest-made items, but seriously, wouldn’t that be fun?
I actually really like that idea. I would definitely make reservations at a place that was having a “dishes featured on Top Chef” night.
Or at least a few times per season… I know I’d be willing to make the investment to make Top Chef all the more lovable!
Seeing delicious food in HD could never be wrong.
Also, what the hell are they supposed to do when they have no electricity? Someone should have punched that judge in his face.
They already had to use plug-in woks because there was only one stove.
I know. I’m still in love with this season, but I’m sorry, you do not determine WHO THE BETTER CHEF IS by making them cook vegan and no wheat without electricity on a farm in Ethiopia with one arm cut off.
That is exactly what the next episode is going to be.
70% of the success is still a great deal of the success. So congrats on your brainchild.
Thanks! That 70% number might be a little on the low side, but I didn’t want to sound delusional.
I don’t watch that often because when I do, I start drooling. Also, as soon as you mentioned HD picture shooting out of a transistor radio, I thought of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory scene. We’ve got so much technology now…why can’t we make that happen?
Because we are lazy. Or maybe someone has already perfected it and won’t share.
I would never EVER have to make dinner again if we could have a slice of the yumminess they make!
Right? 10$ would be so reasonable.
I hate that Top Chef is not in HD.
It just doesn’t make any sense. I want, to see, the food.
I love watching top chefs, although they make me hungry all the time just watching it. I wish I could cook. Slim chance though, seeing I burnt microwave popcorn the other day and it’s supposed to be the easiest thing EVER to make.
Oh, no. I remember in college how popcorn would get burn in the microwave almost everyday. And each time, we’d have to evacuate the building and wait for the fire department to show up.
That was absolute bullshit that they berated him over that electricity issue that he had no control over.
“What? Padma came in the kitchen and shat diarrhea all in your Bérnaise sauce? Sounds like a poor excuse to me!”