I’m not entirely sure what a gift horse is. I know I don’t consider myself one. But I still don’t like being looked in the mouth.
There’s this local neighboarish guy in our little neck of the hood.1 When we were checking out the now-not-so-new place early this summer, the current tenant said there was a local guy who’d sometimes come around to clean the yard a little, etc. About a month and a half after we’re settled in at our place, I meet this guy for the first time.
It’s 9:00 on a Saturday.2 The doorbell rings. Miss Bianca and I look at each other as Cody — our dog — audibly loses his mind. When I open the door, standing just outside the reach of our outside light is a dude, approximately six feet tall, haggard with a pair of gardening shears staring back at me from the shadows.
I step outside and close both the gate and the door behind me. His attempt to explain who he is is disappointing; a jarbled, incoherent series of short unresponsive phrases to my questions. Basically, he’s the guy we’d heard about and when he stopped by previously, Miss Bianca had asked him to come back another time.
He and I have a gentlemanly conversation about the propriety of arriving unannounced, after dark with scissors capable of decapitation.
Fast forward.
It’s now yesterday, and over the course of several weeks, he has randomly stopped by, claimed he did some yard work we never a) asked for or b) can confirm he did, rather than our neighbor whose yard stretches into ours. But we’ve given him some of the cash we’ve had, because, you know, whatever.
But yesterday, as I walk up to our door, he appears from nowhere and starts pointing to some weeds we’re 90% sure our neighbor pulled days ago. He asks for cash. I tell him to let me get inside a second, get the mail, etc.
When I come back out, I give him the only proportionate bill either MB or I had: a five. Actually, I hold out the five and he does nothing. Then he rolls his eyes. Then he sighs. Then he says, “I guess it’s better than nothing.” Then he reluctantly extends his hand.
And I don’t get it. Yes: we normally give him at least twice that. No: if I had actually spent all afternoon pulling weeds, five would not seem enough.
But.
Our “yard” is a DC yard. That means it’s approximately five by seven feet. Also, he never asks. He just, allegedly, does stuff to it without direction when no one is around and then sticks out his hand for a reward.
And we’re a little over it. He’ll just show up, point to the ground, say, “I did that” and wait for one of us to reach into our pocket. And we are starting to feel more and more sure that we’re being hustled. But maybe it’s just us.
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1Do hoods have necks? If not, they should. The woods get all the personifying features.
2How did Piano Man lyrics get here?
I wouldn’t give him anything. You never asked him to garden your “yard.” Nor did you ever offer to pay him for when he WOULD, without permission, pull your weeds and such.
Furthermore, couldn’t you call the guy on trespassing??
Clearly, I’m in a bad mood this morning. Some guy just wants a few bucks for tending grass, and I want you to call the cops on him. Ignore me.
I will not ignore you. Can’t make me. But he deserves at least one more conversation before we have to think about escalating.
I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. Hell, we may know the same fella.
Really? Any solutions?
That’s a little weird. I’m pretty sure the next time he stopped by I would tell him that we really appreciate that he’s willing to help out, but we’re no longer interested in his services. Heck, tell him you got laid off and you have to “cut back.” How’s he gonna know?
Mostly, this is just creepy. Especially for MB. I don’t think I would want to be home alone when this guy stopped by…
I don’t want him one on one with her either. She’s a tough cookie, but still. It’s why he and I had that talk.
This is the squeegee mentality: If I squeegee your windshield while you are (trapped) at a light, you’ll pay me for my kind, considerate (volunteered) and often smudgy service.
Um, no.
(Yeah, I’ve totally given squeegee guys money but do as I say, don’t do as I do. Oh my god, I’ve become my mother!)
That is exactly what it is. Squeegee mentality. You are a genius!
ew creepy. i can’t believe you gave him anything in the first place! also, went to the new Super Safeway in your neck of the hood for the first time. im in love.
Right? We really like it. It could be a little better with produce, but it’s so, so nice.
“He and I have a gentlemanly conversation about the propriety of arriving unannounced, after dark with scissors capable of decapitation.”
Oh no…that’s not creepy at all…
I’m thinking this is a “if you give a mouse a cookie” syndrome.
It definitely has the feeling of being a syndrome.
Start handing him classified ads for people actually looking for yard work.
That’s hilarious. I wonder if he’d get the joke.
PIANO MAN.
You know what is happening next Friday.
Uh oh. What have I done?
Yep, sounds like you’re being “hustled”.
Is there anyone living in your neighbourhood you don’t like? Perhaps you could refer him to them and let him know that he can let himself into their house “unannounced, after dark with scissors capable of decapitation.”
LOL. Man I’m evil! Eh, I’ll just blame it on the Halloween season!
I’d love to pass him off on someone else.
Mine did (but didn’t) do windows.
**Sigh**
The easiest way out of it without causing a future problem is to tell him your therapist suggested that you take up yard work to alleviate your internal rage. You’ll be doing your own weeding from now on.
Maybe I should just stand on our steps in nothing but bedroom slippers with a hoe and some gloves on?
Okay. Imma ‘splain the whole gift horse thing…
You can tell how old a horse is by looking at its teeth. So let’s say you get a horse as a gift from your super wealthy friend who likes to give away horses, and your weird-ass friend tells you the horse is 6. But you are skeptical because…who gives horses as presents? – and also because this horse looks older than 6 – maybe closer to 12. BUT. It was free. And you don’t want to be rude. So you would NOT look the gift horse in the mouth.
Because, hey, free horse!
I actually do get it now. Look at me, ma, I’m learning! But seriously, thanks. I had no idea.
This guy sounds like a real entrepreneur.
I wonder what his business plan is?
That’s scary actually. And people like him are very hard to get rid of and when you try cutting them off they become angry and volatile so please be very VERY careful.
Thanks. I will. But that is part of why I told him he couldn’t just show up at night for any reason.
You should just do yard work the next time he comes by. Tell him that the economy sucks and that you’re cutting back. Har har
Cutting back. Very nice. And I do have a pair of garden shears myself.
YES YES YES!!!!!!!
I think you’re definitely being hustled. But sometimes it’s easier to live with the hustle then to live with the consequences of stopping the hustle.
Maybe you should tell him you have your own gardener now so he should stop doing that. I’m kinda creeped out by people like that usually
give him a nice cold lemonade.
now that sounds equally awkward and frightening. oy!