This weekend, I saw a Fox 5 tease for an upcoming segment on Monday night’s 11 pm broadcast. It was about dropping everything and becoming a full-time blogger, starring none other than local blogger The Prince of Petworth.
Obviously, I didn’t watch it Monday night. What am I, desperate and bored? I DVR’d it and watched it last night. You know, when it fit my schedule.
While watching, I couldn’t help but think a few things.
1. What ever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas? I hated how all the girls would rather kiss his poster than me.
2. If I was on the A-Team, there’s no question that I’d be Murdock.
3. How do you become a blogger in ten days?
Day 1
Quit.
Seriously. Over any respectable blogging career, you are going to hate blogging. But you’ll insist you should never just take a week (or a month) and not write because the whole damn internet could pass you by.
That is false. The internet is a slow, dull-witted hippo that has nothing better to do than be there when you get back.
Get that guilty nonsense out of your system right away and quit to prove you can do it.
Days 2 and 3
Pimp out yo layout.
Spend all weekend on the couch sifting through the muck of free blogger templates online only to find that 90% were created for bloggers with readerships that are mostly blind (translation: hideous). Then, pick one of these templates.
This is key. And the test to see if you’ve picked the right one for your first theme is simple. Does it induce headaches? Will readers strain to read it because it is literally illegible? Is there auto-music? If the answer to any of that is “no,” try again. Your later templates will look better in time, but your first must fail.
Day 4
Find a baby daddy/mommy.
If you haven’t got a blogger whose blogging impregnated you with the desire to blog, now is the time. For a fee, I know some who’d be glad to inseminate you with the wisdom of hundreds of posts and I’d be glad to get you that hook up.
Day 5
Name your baby.
Every baby needs a name. Even ugly babies have names. Your baby needs two names: one for your URL and another for your signature/footprint on others’ blogs. At least one of these should not suck like a bathroom-wall of fame-inducted toothless hooker or gigolo.
Day 6
You are a lone wolf.
Tell no one you exist. No one. Your blog may be on its way to becoming an internet sensation, but right now it is a real life secret best kept… secret. Even though it’s damn near 2010, 90% of the people you’d tell wouldn’t really know what a blog was. Half of those who would would mock you.
Plus, the down-the-road surprise of your mom/sister/girlfriend/boss/cat finding your blog is a rite of passage we all share in due time.
Day 7
Pop your culture-collar.
Don’t watch much TV? Get over to Hulu right now. Don’t know much about movies? Get a Netflix subscription.1
This is a world dominated by media and entertainment. You don’t have to write about it yourself, but you damn sure better be prepared to read about it and get the obscure references people put in their posts and leave in comments.
I’ll get you started with the most fundamental of blog pop culture references. Watch The Princess Bride and fall in love with Rick Astley.
Day 8
What’s your flava? Tell me, what’s your flava?
Now is the time to decide if you’re gonna have a running theme or just do what feels good. Despite what you may have heard, neither is any better than the other.
Day 9
You are not a beggar.
Prepare yourself to never, ever, ask — with or without subtlety — for comments, page views or links to your little corner of the world. It is unbecoming of a burgeoning superstar. Blogs are like html-coded fields of dreams. If you build it (the right way), they will come.
Day 10
Act naturally.
Last but most importantly, do not actually try to be a blogger. What does that mean? Lemme ’splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up.2
Nothing is more obvious than an attempt to sound special. We’re all special. Our moms and grandmas made that clear to each of us at an early age. But we are also a closely-knit pack of wolves. And we will sniff you out as a poser and it will get awkward.
Just have an idea and use your words. You’re on your own for Day 11.
_____________
1Tell them I sent you so I can get a referral and we can raid each other’s queues.
2Day 7 in practice.
Good advice. I am on Day 2. Do you know where I can find a template that makes copious use of the Blink tag?
Ah, the Blink tag. Only at the classiest of joints. I’ll have to do some digging to find it.
“Pop your culture-collar.” You are too funny.
I can’t believe I managed to get started without this sage advice. Does that make me a genius?
It does. No question about it. I didn’t follow these either. But not because I’m a genius; more because I am so not a genius.
But begging is SO MUCH FUN.
Not.
Like so much, when it’s ironic it’s fun.
I think I just saw my entire intro to blogging in this post. Complete with baby daddy. (Though I didn’t know the proper term until I read this.)
I love it.
Does it get to be a proper term now? I would love that. I just have to ask my baby mama first.
I will have another bloggers babies for pennies on the dollar.
I’m not really sure what that means other than I’M CHEAP.
It’s a recession. You gotta cut prices.
You are so wise… So very, very wise…
I would’ve said “ridiculous.” You are so kind.
what DID happen to JTT?? haha.
this was great! i would suggest NOT blogging professionally. it’s hard to make it as a full-time blogger…
Where is that kid? Or I guess “grown up” now. Whatevs. I bet he still has the bowl cut.
So, your request for me to link to you is now null and void? (I never did get the free merch, anyway.)
Shh. Don’t tell anyone I asked. It will totally undermine the credibility I don’t even have.
You wouldn’t be Baracus? Huh.
I didnt see that one coming.
I know. But Murdock. Easy.
I can’t even beg for a link, because LA just beat me to the snarky link comment. COMMENT FAIL.
I love this post.
There’s always room for more snark. (And thanks.)
But I AM special!!!
Yes you are! If anyone says different, we will teach them a lesson or two.
Damn… I never had a baby daddy or mommy. I had to bust my butt to get some followers. And comment a lot. Commenting is a big deal.
Also, can I raid your netflix queue?
Definitely! I’ll email you.
Please come comment on my blog! Please please please!
Oh wait, I’m doing this wrong…
You almost got it, though. Thank god you’re in my reader and I was headed there anyway.
“…fall in love with Rick Astley.”
Foreshadowing much?
Haha. A little? Not too, too much.
Dude, can I be your A-Team’s Face?
It would be an honor and a privilege.
this was AWESOME. i would second your advice number six, because dayyyammm it sucks when people you know in real life are all “omg i read about that time your towel fell off in front of the neighbor kids” and you’re like “wait…how did you know…”
know what i’m sayin’?
Exactly. When that happens, you know your blog is for real. But you can’t set yourself up out of the gate to get screwed.
I had a hell of a time deciding on a blog title. Turns out “Crazy Cat Lady” just doesn’t bring in a lot of readers.
Ha. Me, too. I even want to change this URL sometimes. But I actually really like my title.
“we will sniff you out as a poser and it will get awkward.”
So damn true — it’s strange, I keep explaining to people who try to get professional with blogging that readers (and freaders) have highly sophisticated bullshit sensors. I believe everyone should have the opportunity to blog, but I also believe everyone should know which communities they need to be a part of, too.
Absolutely. It’s about communities. It’s not like there’s an initiation to get in or anything, but like any other social setting, there are some silent rules that if broken raise red flags.
i wish i had realized at the time how much of a part of the blog the url is back when i started mine. i don’t think it ever occured to me that anyone other than the 3 friends i told about it at the time would read it, so the lame url seemed irrelevant. OH, 20/20 HINDSIGHT.
You forgot this essential step: after you write your first post, make sure you create a Faebook Fan Page, Twitter Account, Flickr Pool, and custom domain e-mails for your blog.
Don’t forget to keep it up for a week before you quit blogging altogether.
i always surprised when i get an email from a blogger asking me to put them on my blog roll. i’m like bitch, you have to earn that shit!
I pretty sure it’s more pathetic that you DVRed it. The internet is full of useless how to lists, but this one was gold.
Love it! Great advice.