Let’s say I don’t want to. Let’s say that pedestrians have the privilege to survive crossing the street but not the right. Let’s say that as the man behind the wheel of the vehicle, I have all the power that actually matters and I want to flex some muscle; that the only reason I Zipcar’d this pimpmobile Scion xB in the first place was so I could play a little game called “Just the Vehicular Tip” and I just wanna nudge a crosswalker with the grill of my ride. What then?
Then we’re at an impasse, I guess.
Maybe it’s just DC. Or maybe it’s just cities. I don’t remember pedestrians being this bastardly in my small Jersey hometown.1 DC pedestrians need a little humbling or at least a refresher on how to cross the street.
Three hundred fifty days of the year, I’m a pedestrian, too. But on those other fifteen days, the scenario usually plays out this way:
I’m driving — probably faster than the speed limit but not irresponsibly. Then a pack of wild pubescents step out of the shadows into the middle of the street and start crossing.2 But they’re not rude about it. Oh, god, no. No; the appointed pubescent pack leader sticks up her hand and informs me that I am to stop so that they might make it across. Like it’s 1995, I have basically just been told to talk to the hand.
Annoyed at their lack of consideration for my Zipcar, my driving record and my conscience and at the return of an inane gesture I hated at its inception, I curse unprotected sex for being such an easy skill to learn and mumble under my breath that I wish they’d never been conceived or at least that one day someone would teach them a lesson.
My question is simple: why not make that “someone” me?
The problem, to me, seems obvious. These brats are just so sure that I won’t hit them. They just know it (thanks to “driving laws”). They look through my windshield and actually think they recognize weakness.
To you, pubescent pedestrians, I say, “Call my bluff.”
Maybe I’m having a really bad day. Maybe I just got fired at work. Maybe I don’t like the looks on your faces. Hell: maybe it’s Tuesday, I’m bored and this is one of those “might as well” moments.
The point is that you know less than you think you do. So maybe I don’t hit the gas and roll through you like a rack of bowling pins. But maybe — just maybe — I’m a little, you know, slow getting to the brake and I put bumper-like wrinkles in your skinny jeans.
And yeah: I’m likely to end up with a scheduled court appearance for it. But maybe — and again, this is only a “maybe” — I pay my fine and walk out of court wearing a smirk anyway because satisfaction is priceless and $250 was a bargain for the humility on your faces.
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1Other cities and towns, feel free to chime in.
2How closely they cross in front of me is, of course, relative to how fast I’m moving: the faster I’m going, the closer they’re crossing.
Man oh man. Ohmanohmanohmanohman.
That taunting confidence of pubescent pedestrians is a huge reason why I have been crowned the road rage queen of the world.
Furthermore, fuck driving laws. I see people breaking driving laws all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME.
Ever said: “Where is a cop when you need one?”
Well you can bet your ass that pesky fucking cop would appear out of nowhere like “SHA-ZAM” if you hit that little talk-to-the-hand fucker in the crosswalk.
So. true. It’s like the police have radar for people who deserve a little bit of revenge.
As a driver, I hate pedestrians.
As a pedestrian, I hate drivers.
But, as either a driver or a pedestrian, I HATE cyclists. Whether on foot or in the car, I usually want to yell profanties at those two-wheeling people.
You are wise. Cyclists are the worst. When I’m a pedestrian, they’re running over me on the sidewalk. When I’m a driver, they’re skirting between traffic.
I work (and will go to school soon) on a college campus and the pedestrians here are out of control. They’ll just step out and expect you to come to a screeching halt because they’re in the crosswalk. Guess what, folks? My brakes aren’t superhero-powered. They have limits!
Limits. Reasonable limits. They do not work like magic.
omg– in cleveland they just run out in the fucking street no matter what’s going on. I swear I almost ran over some whores in cropped tube tops when we visited.
watch out if you ever come to my hometown. we have a local guy that waits until people are obviously not going to stop at the cross walk, runs out into the road and does this weird THIS IS A CROSSWALK dance/song.
It’s entertaining.
Haha. Well, it is a crosswalk. What’s he supposed to do, let it just sit there unrecognized by interpretative dance?
I hear suburban teenagers are 250 points.
Can I cash those points in somewhere? Like for prizes?
I have to say…when I’m driving, I hate those pedestrians. I clearly see you, there’s no need for you to glare at me through my windshield and throw up your hand.
But when I’m a pedestrian? I totally take my sweet time sauntering across the intersection – if I have the right of way, of course. It’s the little things.
I’m the same. I go back and forth. But when I’m behind the wheel, I’m more aware because if I make a wrong decision it costs more.
Ugh. I was never one for jaywalking before, but had to pick up the habit when I moved to Boston: jaywalking is basically the second most common form of exercise here (hot on the tail of “drunkenly rioting in the streets after a Sox victory”). Still, at least have the courtesy to time your crossing so nobody has to slam on breaks — or even do more than perhaps gently tap them. And have the courtesy to run across the street to lessen the jaywalking time!
Bumper-wrinkle them tween jeans, is my verdict, and do so with pride!
With pride and enthusiasm!
Next time, you should just keep on nudging forward and be like Moses & spread the Red Sea of Tweens girls. (+2 pts if you get the red sea ref)
My imaginary attorney has informed me that parting a sea of teens is something I’m only allowed to do in video games.
There were too many hilarious lines in this post. I wanted to quote one and then there were 10 and I thought that might be a little overboard.
You know what’s worse than pedestrians? Other CARS that pull out in front of you and make you break. If I have to touch my breaks, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO ENTER TRAFFIC.
Bitter? Me? Never.
Bitter? Not in the slightest. Why would you be?
I think Randy Moss had that very same urge while driving in Minneapolis a few years back…
Hmm. Good point. This is definitely an idea better left in the “never actually done” category.
GAH. PEDESTRIANS. just this weekend i apparently didn’t stop SOON ENOUGH for the folks that darted out into a crosswalk directly in front of my car, and i got glared at (WHILE I WAS STOPPED, LET’S NOT FORGET) by the guy crossing. i guess i should have come to a stop before they even entered the crosswalk?
Of course. Yeah. Because it’s easier to stop a car then a leg. Totally fair.
Just of this: in a few year (or months?) they will be the one sitting in the driver’s seat forced to deal with bratty pedestrians such as themselves.
Yes! Balance is everything.
I am crosser. I walk out confidently, know that if i get hit, it will make a very large dent in someone’s vehicle. Being confident with that knowledge, I politely wave and mutter, “hitting me=bad day for you, so you better make it count.”
Right. But you’re not a 105 lb. teenager in purple skinny jeans.
The nobel prize winner, John Mather, said “We think we know what’s going on and nature doesn’t care what we think!”
Several tons of steel > squishy pubescent bodies. The idea that we can trump nature just by saying so is bogus. This is why, when it comes to cross-country skiing, the person on the downhill has the right of way. Nature tells us this is a good idea. Nature wins every time.
On the other hand, vehicular homicide is so un-chic to have on your resume.
Very. It wouldn’t fit on a cover letter, either.
I lived in Europe for a year & the driving/pedestrian relationship there is VERY different. Rome was my favorite- middle of the city, few or no painted lane markers with cars & vespas zipping around each other at random. Crossing as a pedestrian…. it’s understood that it’s YOUR job to not get hit by a car. You dart, you weave, and you stay the hell out of the way.
I loved that.
I love that, too. The idea of your safety as your own job.
If anyone could use a driver’s right of way amendment, it’s my city: Los Angeles. Walkers here are pariahs.
This one time, however, I did accidentally hit someone because I was turning right, and they stepped in front of my car during my green light. My car rolled forward from a complete stop but it still knocked her over.
I feel bad she was hurt and I’m not proud of not paying complete attention to idiots. But frankly, if she’s walking into streets during green lights without looking, she should know what it’s like to get hit. And now she does.
Swear to god, true story.
Jebus. Yeah. Ultimately, it’s not that funny; at all. And that’s a lot of why I wish they’d take it a little more seriously.
Yeah some pedestrians (just like some drivers and cyclists) are obnoxious and inconsiderate. I’ve had two instances where I’m turning and some prick purposefully takes their time crossing the road, while making hand gestures at me.
Jerks.
The hand gestures are the worst part. We all know we’re supposed to stop for walkers. We don’t need gestures as reminders.
ohMygawd.. ok so true story, I “bumped/tapped” an older lady once. She was power walking. I was leaving the Target shopping center. I looked left. Then right. Then left again for good measure and slowly let go of the gas to start to get/merge into traffic. That’s when I hear a THUMP and a body look like she’s about to fall. She regained her footing look over and GLARED AT ME then proceeded to power walk. hahahahah I should NOT think this is as funny as I think it is, but I do. She GLARED at me. THEN? She kept power walking. hahahahaha
I feel a lot of frustration here- play some GTA and you’ll feel better!
Nice! Way to tie in yesterday’s frustration with today’s. Dude: awesome. Seriously. Because after yesterday’s post, GTA was exactly what I was thinking.
We really need to have Miss. B review the laws on this so we can experiment.
And by experiment, I of course mean “take some of those fockers OUT.”
She knows her way around the law and has a mean right cross.