I do not care for couples humor in my TV viewing blocks. I like to stay on the cutting edge of funny1 and couples jokes are about as sharp as the little utensils that came with your Play-Doh set when you were a kid.
You know what I mean. Often, it’s about the absurdity of trash pickup day being so early in the week or it’s Jane remarking about how what she thinks is foreplay Tom thinks is hesitation/cold feet and what Tom thinks is foreplay she thinks is just the interlude of an orgasm.
But it isn’t always that recognizable. Sometimes it’s not that the joke is about any one thing but that the joke is so motherhumping corny that you just want to strangle everyone in the scene; so corny that if you had only one hand to pull off this mass-strangling initiative, you’d still git er dun with sheer willpower and MacGyver-like resourcefulness.
I had a case in point.2 It was that never-ending pasta bowl Olive Garden commercial; the one where two perfectly-balanced, intra-racial, hetero couples walk in, with one guy being oh-so-sure that he knows what he wants until he learns he can have it all.
Oh, snap, yo! Give my word to your mother!
Then all comedic hell breaks loose.
There’s some hearty chuckling, some “Oh, that Bob!” smiles and some quick shuffling through realization and a menu by Bob. And you know it just had to end with Bob genuinely bashful about just how wrong he was about the limitations of Olive Garden’s menu.
I hate this commercial like Nietzsche hated syphilis.3
And since I can’t replay it for you anyway, I figured I’d script the way I imagine it should’ve gone.4
Four friends — couple #1, Lisa and James; couple #2, Sue and Bob — are entering an Olive Garden.
Bob: I know what I’m getting!
Sue: That’s because you change your mind about as often as Al Bundy changed underwear.
Lisa: I heard you’ve got one and only one move in the bedroom, too.
James: If I have any balls, they haven’t dropped yet!
Bob, Sue, Lisa: *slow blink* *Sue pats Lisa on the back*
[once seated...]
Lisa: Everything looks… exactly as it did last Tuesday.
James: I hope they have garlic bread here!
Sue: Lisa, I think your husband is a full-blown ruh-tard. You should ask our server for a high-chair or booster seat or an annulment or something.
Bob: *!!* They’ve got a never-ending pasta bowl!
Lisa: Which only means you’ll order the chicken and broccoli alfredo 7 times.
James: I’ll be back. *stands and leaves*
Bob: I don’t see why–
Sue: Honeybumps, don’t worry. Give me your menu. I’ll order for you.
Lisa: Eh. Bob’s a stronger reader, Sue.
Server (to Lisa): Ma’am, would you come get your husband? He ran across the parking lot to the Red Lobster and he’s now swimming with the lobsters.
Lisa: Til death! Woot! *takes a sip of her chardonnay and leaves*
Bob: You think they can do any better than us, you know, with other friends?
Sue: If they could, they wouldn’t be here every Tuesday night.
(Note: no Olive Garden was actually harmed in the spoofing of this commercial.)
_____________
1Self-serving joke? Uh, yeah.
2But thanks to a blocked YouTube clip, you’ll have to trust me.
3What? I was a philosophy major in college.
4The commercial; not the syphilis.
I hope someone isn’t capable of eating more than two helping of the pasta bowls (Reason #837 of why Americans are overweight). It’s seemingly a good deal because it’s actually cheaper than any of their other dishes at $8.95 plus you get the salad and breadsticks that I always fill up on no
matter how many times I tell myself to slow the eff down and wait for my meal.
I have seen that commerial a few times already (hence the quotation of the price) and was irritated by that Bob character.
I haven’t seen the bowls in person, but I feel like I could do some Man vs. Food style eating there. I am greedy.
When I was in college my then boyfriend used to take me to Olive Garden as our “fancy” date night. When I see those commercials now, I totally imagine him being one of those douchetastic guys ordering the never-ending pasta bowl.
But there’s so much romance. It’s a marvelous night for a moondance and a pasta bowl that never ends.
Gawd I hate their commercials! So freakishly Pleasantville like. I like your take on it though. WAY better.
Yes! Pleasantville! That is exactly the idea I was looking for.
This would be why I don’t ever watch tv. I can’t stand what passes for comedy.
There’s a lot of good stuff. But there’s way more appeal to people who don’t mind horrible comedy.
“I hate this commercial like Nietzsche hated syphilis”
Yeah, I’m totally stealing…er…borrowing… this.
Do it. Steal, borrow, appropriate…
“motherhumping corny”: poetic. I am stealing this one…
Haha. Poetic. It’s all yours.
I’m done with commercials. Period.
And I still argue that Tecate Light makes the worst ones (radio), though Natty Light is clearly trying to knock them off that pedestal and take the seat as the beer I already wouldn’t drink, but now want to burn down all the “breweries” where they make it.
Radio commercials start headaches, and they happen so often. But if you know where the “breweries” are, I’ve got some matches.
Damn Olive Garden and their deceptive ads about comedic couplehood and their damn policies about the second bowl of pasta in that so-called “never ending” bowl of pasta. Damn them straight to hell forever.
As long as they leave the breadsticks for us.
I thought this commercial was cheesy when I saw it too- it almost sold me til I realized it’s just pasta and sauce.
I don’t even know if I’ve paid enough attention to know what they’re actually selling. Just sauce? No additional proteins?
The commercial is NOT funny, but Olive Garden traditionally has horrible ones. Remember the time they had the boy buying his mom dinner now that he was finally an adult and could afford it?
LAME
I still love their soup, salad, and breadsticks deal though.
That kid one is WORSE.
Oof. I love your rendition – the original drives me nuts. It also doesn’t help that it’s on ALL THE FREAKING TIME.
All. The freaking. Time.
I will hire you to make all of my future commercials. You are a freaking genius my dear.
(and if that were the actual commercial- I would eat there despite my moral allergy to chain restaurants.)
Hear that, Olive Garden? Hear that?
I’m always amazed that places like the OG can survive in a city with 5,000 good places to eat. The last time I ate at an OG was when I lived in Texas and it was – with the exception of several BBQ joints – the best place to eat in town. Yes, sad, I know.
Also, I’m getting kinda tired of the whole “Guys are dimwits” concept running through many commercials these days. I hate it with the burning passion of a thousand stars about to go nova.
I haven’t been to an OG in years. I just remember it being surrounded by asphalt, Red Lobster and The Ground Round.
And the dimwit thing is so popular. I even borrowed it a little. But you’re right: the idea of us not being able to do anything other than scratch and sniff is a little dated.
People still watch commercials? I don’t own a television so I’ve been out of the loop.
Also, this post explains why I hang out with single people. Because I don’t go to Olive Garden – I go to bars.
Good point. I watch almost everything on DVR, so I skip commercials when I can.
Couples and “family” commercials can be so annoying!Personally, I like this ‘Olive Garden’ commercial!
Let’s have another box of wine! LOL
That was hilarious. The hamburger Italy? Oh my god.
I hate EVERY SINGLE OLIVE GARDEN COMMERCIAL. They’re all like that. Every time one comes on I yell.
I love that. I’m gonna just start yelling, too. I don’t even care if it doesn’t make them disappear any faster.
Can we please go reenact this and make someone film it?! The Ruby Tuesday’s in Chinatown is just CALLING our name…
And now I have a phone with video capture. This just might be a YouTube smash.
Holy crap. Are your footnotes actually LINKED to the exact point they appear in the post?????
Mannnnn… That is SKILL. You’re gonna have to show me that trick.
(Sorry this comment is so wholly unrelated to what you actually wrote about.)
They ARE. And I’ll email you.
I see so many commercials that make me go “they think this will make me want to BUY something?! This makes me want to shoot myself in the face.” Olive Garden commercials being the perfect example. Fastest way to turn me OFF your product is to advertise at idiots. For I am not an idiot.
Loved the reenactment. Hilarious
.
Haha. “For I am not an idiot.” So true. Commercials that insult my intelligence bore me.
I’ll have what Bob’s having. He seems like a winner.
Part of me really like’s Bob’s certainty. He knows what he wants and doesn’t think anything else matters.
I like their breadsticks.
Wait, what point were you making?
The breadsticks are distracting. I don’t remember my point either.