So I’m writing a novel.
No, not really. I lie for a hobby.
I’d love to be a novelist. But remember what Mrs. Lieberman wrote in my progress report in 3rd grade: I take pride in a job well done. So I wouldn’t want to just write a book. I’d want to be the next great American novelist. And then I’d want to live in seclusion, forgotten, in my apartment, overwhelmed by the burden of success until a neighborhood kid just happened to stop by one day and make me realize how much life was still out there to be lived.¹
But I wouldn’t be that guy. I couldn’t be that guy. It’s a talent I just don’t have. I tried NaNoWriMo last November. And not only did I only write for one weekend (rather than everyday for four weeks), what I wrote was really, really boring.
Someone taught me a long time ago that situations like this call for forced sports analogies. So, with that, writing is probably a lot like running. Some runners do it for the glory; others for the challenge. Some prefer distance while others feel a need — the need for speed.² And the rest, like me, only run when it is entertaining in short bursts (read: involves a sport that features a ball) or when it is a necessity (read: emergencies).
I have forgotten my point.
Oh, right. It’s that Howie Mandel will bare-handedly shake a stranger’s hand³ before I write a novel.
I know a few of you are writing books/novels. And, honestly, I envy you like I did Ryan Phillippe when I was 17 (the word I’m looking for is “idolize”). It’s a really natural thing for a blogger to do. But it seems like there are two basic kinds of novelists: those with a story and those who think writing a novel would be “a good idea.” I’m not even really amongst the latter.
I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. And that, right there, is proof that I would lose focus, initiative and motivation about 400 words into any novel.
_________
¹Say what? That’s the exact plot for Finding Forrester with Sean Connery? Well that’s unfortunate.
²
³I kid, Howie. In all fairness, neither you nor your fear of germs is funny.
A fear of germs is kind of funny. I don’t care what anyone says.
Writing a novel is either a mission of passion or a passionate mission. I haven’t decided yet.
I thought about you when writing this. Please, please share an Amazon link when yours is out.
I love this. Most bloggers for some reason want to write novels. They think it is a good idea to mention. None of them have the true passion, but rather post weekend updates and goals for the future.
I love to write, but I don’t have the passion to write a novel.
I think some of them can do it. I can name a few I believe in. But I definitely do think that a lot of talk about novel-writing is less about the actual writing.
When I was younger I thought for sure I’d be a famous author. Now? Not so much.
I’m pretty sure I’d lose focus, too.
I thought the same. Oh how times have changed.
I used to want to be a novelist—when I was 17 and didn’t know any better.
These days, I’ve decided I’d like to be a freelance essayist. Shorter pieces, greater readership (i.e., magazines, newspapers, etc.), and no worry about plot lines, character development, and the like. Doesn’t that sound perfect? Yes, some call me wise beyond my years…
Plot lines: I am deathly afraid of plot lines. My attention span can follow them but I haven’t learned to create them yet.
Since none of us can focus, we should write a group novel. Maybe each take a paragraph. It would be a great blog experiment right up there with the strangest performance art.
We could comment obsessively in between paragraphs because, let’s face it: we need a lot of feedback.
It would take, oh, 7 years but we’d crank that sucker out.
7 years? Isn’t that, like, nothing, in novel-writing years? Totally doable.
Oh, and I lived with (housed with is more like it) a guy who’s favorite movie was Top Gun. He would put it through the stereo speakers and blast the whole movie but especially Danger Zone. I never need to see that movie again.
My best friend loves the movie. I don’t get it. But we’re still cool.
Ryan Phillippe? Really?
I too, am writing a novel. Except not really. But I’m loving lacochran’s idea.
Yep. Ryan Phillippe. In that movie, and — let’s admit — probably that movie alone, he was a hero. Every high school-aged dude I knew thought his boastful, confident swagger was what we were missing in our lives.
I wish I could write a novel! I’ve got lots of ideas and can think up a start and an ending to a story but have a hell of a time sitting down and writing out the middle. How does someone take an idea and fill 200 plus pages with it?
I have no idea. Part of me really wishes I could do it. I just know myself too well to actually think I’ve got enough to say or want to say that much.
There is no such thing as a “Great American Novelist” without a great editor. If you ever decide to make the attempt, I’m available
. And I might be one of those few bloggers that is well aware that my talents do not lie with writing long pieces of fiction. I was a creative writing minor in college and the thing I liked best about writing workshops was editing and critiquing my colleagues stuff. Which is how I decided to become an editor instead of a writer. I’m not a book editor yet, but as soon as they create a cliche of the “Great American Editor,” I will be striving to be that 
I would love an editor. I don’t know if I have any “great American” material for you, but you can use that “Great American Editor” title if you want.
As soon as I stopped giving myself deadlines I finished my first one.
My inner rebel doesn’t like to be told what to do.
If I can do it, you can to. Also, NaNoWriMo is stupid. Yep I said it. It is fucking STUPID.
And, Mr. Phillippe has been invited to many a menagedream. Hot boy. HOT BOY.
NaNoWriMo: one month, one novel. It just, did, not, work. It was not made for rebels. Wait. SO if I failed at it, that means I’m a rebel, too?
Are you new? OF COURSE THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS.
I think Howie made up his germ-a-phobia for attention. I went to a filming of his game show, Deal Or No Deal and it seems like he’d sometimes forget he feared germs and he hugged some of the contestants. Then he’d remember again and they’d try to hug them and he would do that “bump” thing. Not trying to start any rumors here. Just sayin’….*cough*bullshit*cough…
About writing a novel in groups? I actually have a friend who did that with another fellow. All online. It’s called Morning Coffee and it had a guy and girl character and so he would write the guy chapters and she wrote the girl chapters. Interesting concept. Not the best romance I’ve ever read but it was still a good story.
I think romance needs to be told by only person. Sure, it’s probably biased. But written by two people, it seems like they’re be so much chance for compromise in the storytelling; so much chance for it not to really be anyone’s story.
I’ve been “writing a novel” for about eight years. It’s terrible. But even worse than the content is the Stewie voice that people use when they find out. It was funny the first time. The hundredth time… not so much.
I should post what I wrote it my paper diary last night… it was hilarious and kind of relates to this. (My best diary entries are the ones fueled by Jim Beam.)
The Stewie voice? Really? Every single time? Unacceptable.
Oh, and post it. Do it.
I’m really good at starting, hitting my stride, tripping over a roadblock, and crumbling. I’m still determined to finish one eventually!
Try it anyway! You’d be surprised at what comes out of your imagination, I think.
And really, it doesn’t matter if it takes you one year to write Your Book, or twenty. The finished product is what it is no matter what it took to get it out there.
I admire those who write novels, or aspire to write one. The research and knowledge and intense dedication are just mind blowing to me. All I write are just articles and blogs.
Ps. Am I so wrong for still liking Ryan Philippe? I mean those lips and those curls..ok you don’t need to hear this :p