I would never wish death on anyone.
But…
… there are definitely a few people who could take an absence of unending permanence.
With the sad news of the passing of Ted Kennedy last night, it seems like this summer has seen the deaths of a lot of people of massive celebrity and social importance. I don’t know anything about death. So I don’t know if it really is like on Family Guy — with the voice of Adam Corolla — but if it is, then it definitely seems like we should set up an exchange policy and give up a few people¹ in order to get back some of the ones we’ve lost.
Some people whose services are no longer needed:
1. Ray-J
This is the only picture I could find of you quickly that didn’t involve you a) shirtless, b) giving the camera the same sex eye you gave Kim Kardashian and Whitney Houston or c) doing both a and b.
You have contributed forgettable music, a wack sitcom and the only thing good about For the Love of Ray J was Tom Green’s freestyle that Danger smashed the homie. Up until the part when he married Mariah, we could’ve just substituted your entire life for that of Nick Cannon. You are replaceable.
Kindly exit stage left. Your services are no longer needed.
2. Mika Brzezinski
Being as objective as I can be, I simply do not enjoy the “don’t know much, but I’m trying” approach to the news you use on MSNBC.
Please join Ray J to the left of the stage.
3. Mel. Gibson.
How many times must we tell this joke, Mel?
Unless you are making a Braveheart sequel — which you couldn’t possibly be, because even Braveheart knew when to die — please exit Earth immediately. Your life — a debt you owe to humanity — is now 30 years delinquent and is in collections.
You don’t even get a picture.
4. Jon and Kate
You hate yourselves but love your lives. You hate your lives but love the exposure. I can’t keep up.
Get off of everything I see — pop-up ads, magazines, the news, TV trailer-commercials during shows I actually want to watch…
Between the two of you, you’ve contributed two bad haircuts and eight emotionally-wrecked children.
Actually, there’s your reprieve. Get back together for good and be the anti-Duggars. Pump out 37 badass mofos and shift the social balance. You could be heroes.
Or, stage left.²
_________
¹Obviously, only in cartoon-like fashion. Do not harm any of these people.
²But leave the kids behind. Maybe we can help them. Plus, I wouldn’t want them to meet Mel.
I didn’t even know who the hell Jon and Kate were for about the first, ohhh, MONTH they were on the cover of all the tabloids. I still don’t know; I just can’t avoid their damn pictures everywhere. I hate that kind of shit.
Can I also add Paris Hilton to this list? Oh, and Ann Coulter? Yes, and Miley Cyrus?
Hmm… Celebrity purging is kind of addictive…
MILEY CYRUS. That is all.
Not the anti-Duggars!
These people do all need to exit stage left…or right…I don’t really care. Ray J especially. I don’t get what his purpose is.
Haha. Yes, the anti-Duggars. I worry about those children. I think they might be a little sheltered.
Mel Gibson, however, gave us “sugar tits”.
I can’t stand Lindsay Lohan anymore. I loved mean girls but I’m done with her.
What happened since Mean Girls? It just… fell apart.
I agree with the other Hannah’s suggestions as well as think we could all do well without:
-Octomom-Her kids should go to people who aren’t completely selfish and insane
-Bill O’Reilly-He never really served any purpose other than being a massive douche
-Kim Jong Ill
-Canada’s current Prime Minister-Stephen Harper. Us Canadians are tired of him and his conservative drones.
Please leave now so we can make positive changes in this country.
Great choices. Especially O’Reilly. Why does he still have a show? His ratings can’t be that good still, can they?
You forgot Tom Cruise. Can’t stand that man. Ugh. And Lindsay Lohan.
And so many more.
(Oh and p.s. a poster of Jon and Kate for your new digs are not ok then???)
Haha. You are wise. And how could I forget Tom?!
Octomom makes me sick. I’m not on welfare. Only Food Stamps and medical. Oh yeah, and disability.
I’ve never watched Jon and Kate Plus 8 but when the promo’s first came out for the show I remember thinking, “pssshhhtt… yeah, like THAT show is gonna last. A couple that has 8 kids? zzzzzschnnooooooozzzzeee fest.”
Next thing I know they are all over the tabs.
Hifreakenlarious.
I thought the same thing. Their fame reminds me that I should start being completely absurd on a national level if I’m gonna have any chance at being rich fast.
Wait, Jon & Kate split???
No, I knew that, but it’s a good example of how out of touch I’ve been with life outside of Surgeon’s offices, Pharmacies and pill bottles.
LOL love what you wrote about Ray J! Although I have around one or two songs of his in my ipod *hung head in shame*
Jon&Kate really frustate me too.
oh my list for this would be un-ending. that’s probably not a good thing. but i’m with everyone else…… what about lindsay lohan?
Look to the left of Jon and Kate. There’s one of two people that need to exit stage left. I actually haven’t heard much about them in the last month until I saw a tweet about Heidi performing at the Miss Universe pageant (spelling?). Twas a lovely month.
Moreso than Speidi, tabloids need to just go away. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about Jon and Kate and their never-ending drama.
I second Jon and Kate – they need to get out NOW!
see ya ray-j!
i’d say john and kate but those kids need some kind of parent! maybe we can just get rid of john.
What a great way to describe Mika. That whole show drives me nuts.