They say¹ the Ten Commandments came about via a process of biblical proportions: a burning bush, a mountain, two guys who only went by first names², some tablets, etc.
Something tells me the creation of Man Law was a little more informal. I’m thinking: 8 beers; a series of compounded, bad decisions; woeful, woeful injury; and then another beer.
Don’t let this fool you, though. Man Law is just as sophisticated a system of rules as any the world has ever seen. Actually, since it’s mostly unspoken — until one guy in the group has to explain to the attending physician why Jack got his [any body part] stuck in [anything too small] — I could actually argue that it’s the most sophisticated social rubric ever. Ever.
But I’m not here to break Man Law down for you. Actually, I’m probably not supposed to. Putting a comprehensive list of Man Laws on the internet is probably a lot like breaking the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m here because I think Man Law needs help. We need a hero. There are a lot — a lot — of dudes who break Man Laws like they break wind³ For instance,
Man Law: Upon entering a public bathroom, if there are more than two urinals and at least one is empty, you may not — for no damn reason — occupy the urinal next to a dude putting in his own work (read: peeing).
This rule is broken far too often. Forget sexuality. What about some elbow room? You should not be standing close enough to me to get my backspray unless you have no choice. Also, if I wanted to tag team the urinal with you, I’m sure there’s a signal for that. But I’m not giving it.
I think rules such as this one would be broken less if more men respected the Law. And so, I think we need a spokesperson of high repute.
Lemme get one thing out of the way: it cannot be Chuck Norris. I may catch heat for this, but Chuck Norris is all brawn and no brains. The dude publicly supported Mike Huckabee for President. Sure: there is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. But that third fist is useless if the dumbass has to be told how to use it. Chuck Norris is a hired gun, not a leader.
My first instinct was Mr. Eko, from Lost. That dude was all business. But since that character died, well, that might be a hard sell.
So, seriously: ideas? Who would you respect as the spokesperson for Man Law? Keep in mind that this guy wouldn’t make Man Law or enforce it. He would just stand for it.
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¹Has anyone ever “They say’d” the Bible? I wonder…
²Not many people have ever been able to get away with just one name. I can think of God, Moses, Jesus and Prince. Oh, right: and Seal. Moving right along…
³”Break wind?” Excuse me while I try to remember when I turned 87 years old.
Jeremy Piven.
He is fuckable, speaks his mind, is allllllllllllllllllllllll man. And he would make each and every one of us hug it the fuck out.
Dude, I was raised Catholic, and I can tell you for a fact Jesus had three names: Jesus Fucking Christ.
Mr. Eko would have been beyond perfect! I say we find him and bring him back to life.
What about Madonna and Cher???? They are one-named wonders.
James Earl Jones might work…the voice of God and all.
Possibly Mr T.
Maybe Clint Eastwood.
Men’s Room Etiquette
Elmo. Yeah, Sesame Street Elmo.
Because experience has taught me that guys don’t remember anything useful unless it’s also funny, and I think few things could be funnier than Elmo as the Man Law Guy.
Oh, come on, too easy! It’s GOT to be Connery.
Phampants: that is an amazing video.
While man law hasn’t been widely published to my knowledge- remember that Barney has already come out with The Bro Code.
ooh, i like mr t. or maybe david boreanaz, from bones. i mean, dude has been a manly fbi agent AND a vampire. win!
Baron Von Trapp
He supported Huckabee for president? The same Huckabee who said, and STILL stands by the statement, that people who are HIV positive should be quarantined. You know, like lepers.
Ok so… while I luvz me sum Eko.. *ehem* he was a drug dealer wasn’t he?
I vote for the Marlboro man. The young version, not the one where he’s old and bald because of the chemo. I mean… He was the epitomy of a “real man” at one point, right?
Um. I think the appropriate phrase is, “Get away from my penis, you SICKO!”