Throw your hands in the air!
*crowd thrusts hands*
And wave ‘em around like you’re screaming for your life!
*crowd drops hands, wonders wtf is going on*
Cuz it’s Shark Week, mofos!
*crowd catches on, recommences hand-waving*
That’s right: Shark Week. It’s the week when the Discovery Channel strives to convince us that sharks are just misunderstood, intelligent killing machines and not just, well, mere killing machines, I guess. It’s the week when the Discovery building in nearby Silver Spring, MD is adorned with huge shark-like features.
credit: adrants.com
It’s also the week when I sit and stare at it all on my TV screen like it’s a three-car pile-up on the highway. I don’t know why, but learning in explicit detail about all the ways a shark could interrupt my life expectancy is riveting.
After years of having watched the week-long infotainment special, I know exactly how to avoid/survive a shark attack:
- Stay on land.
- Do not go in any non-human-made water; not even to retrieve a loved one. A real loved one would understand.
- Chivalry is not dead. When it comes to shark-infested water, women and children go first.
- The only fool-proof flotation device is a continent. Find one and stay on it.
- If all else fails and you are in the water with a shark because you have ignored rules 1-4, punch that bastard in the eye until it lets go or eats your hand.
Now that I saved your life, in honor of Shark Week, I would like to share with you another of my biggest fears.
Yep. E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial.
Not E.T. himself, but the movie. I own it, but I can’t watch it. It’s not because I have separation anxiety or anything, such that the symbolism strikes at any childhood issues. Nope. It’s that scene where they’ve got the whole house on lockdown and it looks like they’ve moved in the United Nations’ weapons of mass destruction inspectors to search the premises.
See? See how I can’t even really describe the scene? I remember them in some sort of bee keeper suits; but not your average bee keeper suits. They were like suits for keepers who kept radioactive, alien bees. And I hate bees. And I remember them trying to quarantine everything in sight. And the horror. I remember the horror.
Am I anywhere near right on this? Did this scene even actually happen? I know I could just reach to my right about 5 feet, grab the movie and solve this. Chances are that even if I am right, I wouldn’t be scared anymore if I watched it. But that’s what Steven Spielberg would want me to think. I’m not taking that chance.
I completely agree with your shark rules.. I’ll barely go into a swimming pool without looking for sharks.
I am absolutely terrified of ET. ever since i was little i’ve never been able to watch it. i’ll wrestle a shark before i go anywhere near that creepy ass alien. *shudder*
Yes, you’re remembering it right. Alien bees kill everybody but E.T. at the end, who transmogrifies into a HUGE alien bee for the (should have been) sequel.
And sharks? Cute, with their fins and chewiness. This is why I don’t like to watch them be exploited by the DC.
Not bee keeper suits… They looked more like astronaut suits. I watched it a few weeks ago and I’m pretty convinced Spielberg asked NASA for some space suits.
I don’t know if this has lessened your fears or awakened a fear in astronauts.
I have a completely irrational fear of my hand getting mangled in a garbage disposal. If I drop a spoon down there, I shudder as I stick my hand down there, as if it could spring to life any second. This is a problem for someone who spends as much time in the kitchen as me.
My irrational fear is spiders. Like, I freeze and break out in a cold sweat and start hyperventilating if I see one from across the room. It’s pretty ridiculous.
But, I also remember having a similar reaction to the ending of “E.T.” Scary shit for sure.
Sharks, on the other hand. Bring ‘em on.
Here’s what I know about sharks: stay out of their living quarters. And I respect that rule.
Sharks are why I don’t like the ocean. I like the beach, but I’ll barely go out in the water up to my waist.
Also, E.T. was scary. You’re not wrong.
That’s right. You remembered it correctly. I hope you didn’t watch the X-Files because stuff like that was all over the place in that show.
i feel like maybe i have left a comment on here about this before, but on last years shark week they told a story of a man who was fishing in ST LOUIS and caught a shark in the Mississippi that far north! this is reason # 987324 i only swim in chlorinated water. if sharks are in st louis they could be ANYWHERE
oh i wish i was as witty as you
“A real loved one would understand”
Preach.
2) ET the movie creeps me out. If I were Drew Barrymore, there woulda been NO MFING HUGS given to that slimey fucking thing. None.
Also, that whole part of the movie where there is essentially a motherfucking bubble around the house?! Nah. I am straight.
This bitch had nightmares. ET should have been rated NC 17. Fucking Spielberg.
I’m so excited to actually be able to watch Shark Week again, having cable now and all. Hope someone here solves your E.T. mystery. I can’t say I’ve watched that movie in years and years.
When my parents had central air installed in their ancient little house, there were massive tubes and plastic sheilds up everywhere. It looked just like that scene from ET and I had to leave the house until they were done. Incidentally one of the guys installing it said they get that comment a lot and a lot of people get freaked out by it.
Also, I love shark week. And I love to swim in the ocean. I’m stupid. Go figure.
My irrational fear of sharks actually extends to all fish. Those eyes… those vacant, soulless eyes!!!
(Yet we watched two hours of SW last night…)
The Discovery Channel building decorated as a shark is so amazing I might die. Right now.
the reason you remember the terror in that scene is ET mother effing DIES (but then comes back to life later) and it’s the saddest thing EVER AND I HATE THAT MOVIE BECAUSE OF IT
You know what is even more scary? A floating bicycle with an alien on it. Sounds like something I could have nightmares about.
And Discovery should make an octopus week or something. Because we all know Octopus > than anything else.
my sister has been TERRIFIED of that movie ever since she was little. so it was pretty awesome when the 20th anniversary stuff came out, and everything from like cheez-its to fruit snacks were shaped like ET. i would buy it all and send her packages of entirely ET-themed foods. i’m an awesome sister.
awww…. that scene where he dies makes me “cry ugly” to this day. Which incidentally, is MY reason for NOT EVERY WATCHING IT even though we also own it.
HELL YEA it’s shark week! I even made a banner for it: http://nicopolitan.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/shark-week.jpg
I will work on an anti-radioactive-bee-keeper one, too, if you’d like.
I didn’t realize it was Shark Week til I saw it on my friend’s TV this weekend.
It was a reenactment of the real life story that inspired Jaws.
I saw a guy die on a table.
Great stuff.
confession: i don’t like shark week.
(ducks head)
Oh, no! But you’re forgiven. I’ve met you and your awesomeness is not indicted by not liking shark week.