Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…
Welcome, to TMI Thursday!
LiLu has changed the world with her TMI series and today I’m playing along.
The rules: share “some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, ‘how many readers can I estrange THIS week??’ TMI story about your life” or the life of someone else you don’t mind putting on blast.
The breakdown: a blog-based, group-love brand of humiliation.
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For decades, people have tried to figure out the meaning behind the lyrics of Don McLean’s “American Pie.” Well, I’m no Don McLean. I don’t like to keep the people guessing. So as soon as I’m done “singing” today’s TMI Thursday story to you, I’m gonna just tell you exactly what it means.
It goes a little something like this:
A long, long time ago
I can still remember¹
how cleaning used to make me smile.
And I knew if I ruled the day
I’d clean the Danny Tanner way
and, maybe, I’d be happy for a while.
But one day a sight made me shiver
an unexpected crimson river.
Bad news on the toilet;
cleaning: I can’t enjoy it.
I can’t remember if I cried,
when I saw the red-stained menstrual side,
but I dry-heaved and groaned inside
the day my toilet died.
So “Hi, there, Miss American Pie.
I didn’t think I’d see you,
I hate being surprised.
So excuse me while I drink some whiskey and rye,
because I just died a little inside.
I just died a little inside.
Translation:
I love cleaning; weird, I know. But like Bob Saget’s character on Full House, I get a kick out of my place being as close to spotless as I can get it without OCD’ing about it and, for instance, scrubbing floors until I’ve worked my fingertips to nubs.
This used to include the bathroom, until this one day. On this wretched, wretched day, I lifted the toilet seat to clean underneath it and noticed that a female visitor had left a surprise for me on the underside of the toilet seat. The entire underside was coated with dried-on period blood.
Now, ladies, generally I’m a pretty understanding guy when it comes to stuff I don’t understand about your bodies. However, I do not understand how that much tissue and fluid could be lost without you knowing it happened (read: she damn well knew what she did and didn’t care). Also, honestly? I thought it just, you know, fell out, sorta. But unless she was sitting sideways and under the seat, apparently the discharge was more like a menstrual explosion in all directions.
Please forgive me while I pause and heave.
…
Right. Okay. As I was saying, gross. I’m done.
_________
¹Though, I won’t use real names…
Um.
Ew.
Um. ABSOLUTELY.
You’d be surprised how stuff tends to accumulate on the underside of the toilet seat but from what you described it does sound like an explosion (*gag*) and it’s nothing that I’ve ever seen cleaning my toilet, thank goodness.
I was laughing at this post a mere minute ago but now I’m slightly nauseous. Definitely tmi.
I know, right? The lighter moment fades so fast.
Wow. I think that’s enough to make Danny Tanner flinch.
I think Danny Tanner would’ve lost his mind.
This was brilliant, and on behalf of menstruating women everywhere, I apologize. I’m not sure how something like that happens, and I don’t want to know.
Now, can you do something about male visitors who pee on my bathroom floor?
Re: male visitors… one of the worst places to clean is the underside and rear base of a toilet. It’s just horrible, for the reason you mentioned. I’ve found, though, that there’s only one solution: early prevention. You have to get to us early in life so that even on the occasions when we honestly miss, we at least clean it up. It’s a lesson that can’t be learned after the age of 11.
Ewwwwwwwww!
No clue whatsoever how that is even possible!
Gross, gross, gross, gross, gross.
[...] f.B’s unAmerican Pie [...]
How could it even happen? OMG so vomit-worthy!
Right? It should be impossible. It should be impossible.
Yeah, definitely just heaved myself too.
It just wasn’t fair.
Cleaning is one of the healthiest ways I have found to experience instant gratification. Nothing weird about that my friend.
It is pretty instant. Eating is great, for instance, but cooking obviously takes time.
Nasty! Some women are gross! Many cannot “aim” at all!
How hard can it be? It involves sitting over a very generously-sized opening.
The visual that I now have of what position she would have to be in to get it there is very to Cirque du Soleil-ish. In which case- you should be bragging about the acrobat in your bathroom.
Oh, god. Now I’m imagining a Cirque du Soleil show gone horribly wrong.
I don’t *really* want to know – but how is that even possible?
Quick – I need to think about something else.
Me, too. By the end of the post I was very, very uncomfortable.
That is fucking RUDE.
When I was in the military, I lived in a space with 80 other females who all didnt seem to understand the fucking rules of living with other females.
Nasty bitches.
Everyone has rules. Even guys have rules. There’s just some stuff you can’t do.
As disgusting as that it, calling it an explosion made me laugh out loud. The lady friend must have the worst. periods. ever.
Oh, god: the worst.
Also, at this point I should say the lady in question is not my special lady friend — Miss Bianca would never — but another lady who was only an acquaintance.
I cleaned my bathroom last weekend and when I went to the toilet- THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I FOUND.
Gross.
That is weirdly awesome. Not your “discovery,” but that we’re brothers in wretched disgust.
GAH. YEEUCK. I can’t even think of a witty quip for this. TMI for sure.
Exactly. That’s why I ended with “I’m done.” I had nothing.
Oh my god. NO ONE has a vagina that works that way. NO ONE.
CREEPY. And gross.
You should talk to her so she knows it’s not supposed to work that way.
are you absolutely certain it was just poo splatters?
Unfortunately, yeah. It was really, really red. If that color came from another, uh, location, then this story actually may have just gotten worse.
I.have.no.words.
How about “horror,” or “infinite sadness?”
OK so I know this is supposed to be really gross. I get it. But after the intial “ewwww” factor? I just can’t stop laughing. Poor you! LOL
Haha. It’s totally cool. It is hilariously disgusting.
I’m so glad you did this. I was going to beg you to let me write it in your honor if you didn’t.
You’re so right. I couldn’t just let it slide.
What.the…how.the…
Gross…
OMG…smh at nasty ass women…
ARRRGHHHHHH…. no more comments, need to puke now