Over the last few weeks, I’ve had to shake a lot of hands. I don’t usually like making assumptions, but I think it’s safe to assume you’ve shaken at least one hand in your life. You probably understand, then, that handshakes can often be just about as awkward as Homer and Barney’s shake.
Of the new people I’ve been meeting, I’ve met two of the three¹ greatest living threats to the sanctity of the normal handshake: the guy who knows how important he is and the guy who thinks he’s as important as he wants to be.
When either of these guys smell new blood, they pump up their chesticles² and thrust out their right arms like they’re torso-to-air missiles. You can see it all coming. But you gotta shake, right? So you do. And that’s when they try to crush every single bone in your hand. Because that’s what dudes with power — or misconceptions of it — do: they break stuff (rules, relationships, hands, spirits, trust, etc.).
So what do you do? For the first few tenths of a second you try to break him right back. But then you realize any bystander will know the two of you are in a pissing match. And the last thing you want to be is the possible “new guy” who pissed himself so hard in a pissing match that he wet his pants — figuratively, of course — and was embarrassed in front of the whole crew. So you loosen and let go.
And the ruh-tard who flashed a completely needless kung fu grip walks away thinking he won. He plans to meet another stranger. And the cycle goes on.
_________
¹ According to a poll of a few smart ladies, the third type is the creep who tries to bang your hand with his hand during a shake he holds onto for too long.
² chesticles : (chĕst-ĭk-əlz) : male pectorals that inflate and deflate according to levels of ego pumped into them; perform like male sexual organs which adapt to levels of arousal.
LOL. We’ve all met jerks like that before! We should just be like the Japanese and bow. No possible bone crushing injuries there. Though you’d have be careful not to headbutt people.
Haha. Besides, some people could use a good headbutt.
When I was in law school, we had to attend a seminar to learn how to shake hands. Cocktail party 101.
Sad, but true.
What? That’s ridiculous. I hope they at least gave you actual cocktails.
Um, yeah, girls don’t usually do that. At least not any I’ve met.
Also, chesticles made me giggle.
I’m such a four year old.
Haha. We’re all just four-year-olds underneath it all.
Dude. I’ve just always called chick’s boobs chesticles.
Learn somethin’ new every day
You’re right. Me, too. I just took a perfectly good slang and changed it for my own needs.
I hate those people. OTOH, yesterday, I was working with a day laborer to clear some stuff out of the Bookstore, and when all was done and he was departing, we shook hands and he nearly turned it into pulp — but I think that had more to do with him not being aware of how strong he was.
True. Some people are unaware. That’s forgiveable.
I have been known to politely opt out of a handshake. Too many germs.
It’s all about the Purel. It makes awkward meetings less contagious.
I actually don’t mind a good handshake- I mean I don’t try and kill a guy’s hand but I try and give a firm handshake. On the most I think people’s handshakes are limp like spaghetti… I don’t know if that means I’m a d-bag. I probably am.
Me neither. Firm is good. Steel claw is bad.
HAHA… too true. We can only hope the fist bump becomes standard practice.
So much better. Can’t try to show anyone up with a fist bump.
Perfectly acceptable response to that?????????
“Oh. Is it a contest?”
or
“Weird. I’ve always thought it was “shake” not “squeeze”
testosterone fuel asshats.
You’re right. I should’ve said something. And that something should’ve included “asshat.” Someone has to put a stop to this.
While I’m not a fan of getting my hand crushed, I do think that the limp handshake is worse. It’s just uncomfortable.
I’m with Matt – the fist bump might be the way to go.
Limp actually might be worse. It just feels so disinterested.
My dad has this handshake where you can tell his mood by it.
The harder he is trying to pretend that he likes you… the harder the squeeze. My boyfriends in highschool stopped coming around due to the rumored hand breaker that was my father.
FML.
Haha. You never get into a “who can shake harder” battle with a dad. Not smart.
Yeah you pretty much dont. HA.
Ohh i so know what you mean, this is why I stick with simple hug and hello.:) But i know men cant exactly do that a lot.
Am I really the first person who is going to explicit make the connection between aggressive handshakes and “snug-fit” trojans?
I think you could win by being the weird person who grabs the other person’s hand with both of your hands.
I’ll still take the bone crusher over the dead fish any day.
I swear it even SMELLS like Red Lobster.
I find this very amusing because I had a conversation exactly about this with the guy I’m seeing the other day, and he said almost the exact same things you just did.
HAHAHAHA! What you should do next time when you shake someone’s hand, go in for the man hug!
A firm grip w/ a pat on the back. That’ll show them.
I’m one of those people who usually grips just a little too hard when I shake someone’s hand. I have no idea why I do it. I’ve had people comment on it hurting.
I think I need to take this Hand-Shaking Seminar that Fearless mentioned…
The limp dick is almost worse than the kung fu grip. It’s not only uncomfortable, but it leaves you feeling inadequate. Like you didn’t do your job.
And yes, I meant to write D*ck… because that’s what it feels like. And it’s the same feeling of inadequacy as when you’re ready to *ehem* and your hand goes down there and you realize he’s not quite ready yet…. feelings.of.inadequacy.
Sorry about not editing the word out above though. I meant to then forgot.
I think we should all blurt something out loud when we get the kung fu grip. Make them feel stupid somehow. It must be stopped!
Chesticles! Consider it ganked.
I’m gonna hold you to that. You better drop it conversation next time I see you.
As usual, you are right on the money. We call it the “hand rape” because you can’t escape it and you come away violated. Just. Plain. Wrong.
So true. I couldn’t escape. You can’t not shake.