I just saw a commercial that reminded me that I haven’t told you something.
I am a fool.
As a fool, I commit a lot of dumbtrocities. This is one of those stories.
I have a beard. I haven’t always been bearded, though. There were… awkward years. Those are the years when a guy looks at his father, realizes he will one day also be able to grow a beard, but for the meantime decides to hold on ever so dearly to a few scraggly hairs littered across his face. He looks a little like this:
You know these hairs as face pubes. There are approximately seven strands of them and the dude who owns them lets them grow long enough to almost be mistaken for shoelaces, with the hope that seven really long hairs will trick hot chicks into thinking he’s just one last bout with puberty away from being a woolly mammoth in all the right places.
It was during this face-pubular time that I birthed my hatred of shaving. Since I left high school, no razor — nor eight-bladed, Mach 5, razor-machine of death — has touched my face. I have only used clippers, trimmers and one other method of facial grooming.
I have used… I have used Nair. There. I said it. Rather than carve hair off of my face with a razor, I once used Nair to remove my beard when I needed to look clean-shaven.
Have you ever Naired your face? Maybe you have. But I didn’t use the stuff Nair specifically makes for faces. No, no. I used the stuff Nair specifically tells you not to put on your face, because that’s all they had at the store.
I’ll just go right ahead and answer your question: of course it burned. Secret deodorant is strong enough for a man but made for a woman. Nair body cream is strong enough for back hair but likely to chemically burn your face.
Now, thank jebus, I was not permanently deformed by my own stupidity. But it still stung pretty bad. It was like stepping barefoot on a jellyfish… with my face.
Perhaps the dumbest detail of all is how recently I did this. Let’s just say it’s recent enough that I’m going to keep that detail for myself, lest you think me so dumb that you don’t even come back to read tomorrow.
All I can say is at least it was Nair and not Nad’s. Then I would’ve had to admit a time I put Nad’s on my face.
Ewww face pubes!!! sometimes I think men choose to forget that most women prefer all facial hair non existent. Most men choose not to care anyway :p
Ps. My friend borrowed his gf’s leg shaving cream to shave his beard. Ouch.
I apparently know his pain. Though I used the Nair for men stuff. I don’t know which is worse.
AHAHAHA you naired your face. and it felt like stepping on a jellyfish with your face.
just thought i’d repeat everything you said because it was so funny!!!
p.s. NADS
NADS. I know. That would’ve been so much worse.
Not to mention: Nair stinks. Perhaps you should look into waxing?
I just couldn’t do it. The clippers/trimmer get it close enough for me. Also, thanks to Steve Carell in 40 Year Old Virgin, I’m not curious about what waxing feels like.
I don’t blame you. I’m scared to death of shaving my legs, much less my face.
I rarely ever cut myself, but if I used a razor with enough blades to get close, it always felt like someone had peeled my face when it was all done.
Uhm. I often refer to balls (aka nutsacks) as nads… so I am pretty glad that you didn’t put nads on your face too.
I mean, unless you’re really into that kinda thing. In which case I can’t say much.
Something tells me that putting nads on the face doesn’t actually do much in the hair-removal department.
Wow, I totally forgot about Nads. And now I need to work it into a sentence today.
Also, did this happen last night? Because it’s OK if it did.
I probably need to upload a recent pic to prove my current beardedness.
i literally just checked my outlook calendar because your post made me think it was tmi thursday. and as much as we bitch about having to shave our legs (MUCH greater area to cover) y’all def have it worse shaving your face.
You definitely have more surface area. But you can DIE from a bad shave of your face. Just not worth it.
Oh, man, don’t give B any ideas… he’s already put Murray’s in his hair…
I would never encourage. It was so bad and it really was only for a few seconds. And I think that’s what she said.
AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH! I have a great mental picture of you hopping around on one foot screaming, ‘IT BURNS! IT BURNS!’
You saw me?!
2 Things:
1. I used to not be able to grow facial hair, I blamed it on being Asian (which is what I also blame my love for numbers and stringed instruments.) Now I’m ok, not great but ok (I must of turned white.)
2. I have a feeling you are beardless now aren’t you.
Haha. No, no. This was not “yesterday.”
Go for the wax next time.
Trust me.
I just don’t think… No. I know I could never wax my face. I like my beard. But even if I didn’t, I couldn’t wax it.
Ummm, yeahhhh, stick to shaving. Don’t even try waxing.
The idea of hot wax on my face frightens me. Can I admit that? Yeah, frightens.
Nair to the face…there is nothing about that that sounds like a good idea. But, lesson learned. Right? *Right?*
Lesson learned. I’d even teach a class about worst grooming ideas ever.
The lesson you should have learned is to leave well enough alone. But I love facial hair on men.
That is exactly what I learned. Unless I enlist, there’s really no reason that I’ll ever have to get rid of the beard.
did it even work?? i tried to nair my legs one time and all that happened was my leg hair turned weird and dark and icky… but was still attached to my leg. at least that would make the beard hair look fuller, maybe?
Best question yet. No. It did not actually even work. It removed some, but not at all what I had hoped for.
speaking of hair, when’s that frohawk happening?
I missed my window of opportunity. I’m clean-headed, now, if that makes any sense.
Nad’s? Seriously? I so have to go out and buy some now, just to say I have it.
I think Nair is hit or miss- it does nothing or it burns you straight through to the bone- stupid fucking crap. It also smells like cancer.
Very seriously. I think it works sorta like wax. I just remember the infomercials for it years ago.
really, it could be worse. You could have put it someplace even more delicate than your face.
i’m not sayin.. i’m just sayin.
Don’t worry, f.B. We all have awkward hair removal stories. I had an ex-boyfriend who once put that on his nipple. Suffice it to say he looked a little like this: http://giveeverybodyeat.blogspot.com/2008/05/horrors-of-nipple-chafing.html
Oh, your poor poor face. My legs couldn’t even stand up to that stuff. I’m pretty sure it removed the hair by removing the skin.
wow. I am thinking about you in a whole different light now. nair on your face?? i never would’ve thought to put it on my face. other places, but not that area.
and if it makes you feel any better I have some rather dumb moments too…for example the first time I ever used nair, I left it on my legs waaaaay too long (ok fine I forgot! sue me)…oh i had red patches of skin on my legs at a wedding where I was wearing a dress…i laughed, but everyone else stared. I wont EVER do that again. so in a way I know your pain. *hugs*
ps- one of these days I’m going to be the first to comment on one of your posts…
i’m such a nerd.
you nair your face??!?!?! im kinda impressed!
do you also wear short shorts?
hey-o!
Owww! What a brave mistake. Facial sacrifice, even. Note to self, do not Nair eyebrows.
Well at least you only have to worry about your face and its still socially acceptable for men to have beards. Women have to remove hair from multiple areas.
But speaking of products to never use-NEVER use Veet! I put that stuff on my legs once and it burned like a bitch!
I have a suggestion. Next time you Nair your face try using the “sensitive skin” version. It doesn’t burn (almost) at all! Still has that funny smell though.
I’m kind of sad you beat us all to the Nad’s joke before we could comment.
But on the bright side, I have proudly adopted “pubular” into my everyday lexicon. Much thanks.
Very welcome. Spread “pubular” around. Make it famous.
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