As a Toys R Us kid, I didn’t want to grow up. A lot of that hasn’t changed. Thanks to personality traits like an affinity for a certain media giant’s animated movies, an irrepressible urge to snicker when someone says “balls” or “duty”¹ and a seemingly psychological inability to stay angry very long, I’m still a kid at heart. It’s why one of my heroes is Basil of Baker Street, the great mouse detective –
– and not grumpy, old, live-action Sherlock Holmes, for example.
But, damnit: I’m a big kid now. Some childhood delights have lost a little of their mystique for me.
There used to be a time when the sound of a shrill, sharp jingle from a poorly-shaped automobile coming down the street would make me — now a 26-year-old who only runs to fight cancer or to escape bears and armed-robbery — leap from the sofa and sprint for the street. This was a time when I probably wouldn’t have cared what noise an ice cream truck produced as long as it also produced ice cream.
Now, I’m older. Now, I have a vendetta.
My local ice cream truck plays Christmas music and I want to carjack it.
In case you didn’t know, it is JUNE. On Sunday, it was “Silent Night,” “Joy to the World” and “Oh, Christmas Tree².” Last night, it was “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Rudolph. the-Blitzen-humping.³ Reindeer.
I guess I can’t be sure it’s any of those songs. There are no lyrics, after all, just high-pitched, synthesized tunes. But unless anyone knows of any non-seasonal songs to the tune of “Rudolph…,” I’m gonna trust my instincts. And my instincts say that shrilly, Christmas songs played on repeat every day for the next 60 days is going to drive me absolutely insane, ice cream sandwiches or not.
And yes: I tried to just leave the house. But you know what that jackhole did? HE FOLLOWED ME, in the truck. I tried to escape his aural grasp, and he followed me; for blocks. So it’s clear I’m going to have to pull a Wayne Brady and carjack truckjack the ice cream man.
As far as I’m concerned, it’ll be a community service. Plus, guess which people would be getting free ice cream delivered to their house/apartment? Yep: you.
_________
¹Duty. Get it?
²Or “Oh, Tannenbaum,” if you prefer.
³I must note, when trying to think of the 8 reindeer names, I, of course, tried reciting them in song. When I got stuck, I turned to Miss Bianca:
me: The reindeers. There’s Dasher and Dancer and Donner and Fixin.. What’s next?
MB: I’m Jewish.
I’m dreaming of a white ice cream cone…
Nice. And though it has nothing to do with anything, I’ve always preferred a waffle cone.
The sound of ice cream trucks still make me all excited. I giess I still have to grow up.
No way. If your ice cream truck still plays normal music, you should never, never, never grow up.
No wonder you want to move- the Ice Cream truck stalks you?!?! Only in DC…
STALKED. About 4 blocks past my house. I kept turning and looking back at the driver, and he’d look back at me. He’d slow up and sometimes come to a stop. But there were never any potential customers around.
If you hijack the ice cream truck, you can have as many of those red white and blue popcycles as you like…
Yes I can. And I can have infinite ice cream sandwiches… and a criminal record.
We have an ice cream truck that comes to the end of my street and hangs out there for a while…because it’s not only an ice cream truck but they have special treats just for adults!
Ice cream and candy…
Only on 6th & Crack of course
Uh huh. “Candy.” I’ve seen trucks like that.
How long does the truck stick around? Not that I am questioning your rage, but don’t they usually only drive by?
For a little while. I live on a block with a lot of kids; probably about 30 or so just on this block. The family directly behind me has 6 kids. So the truck just hangs out for a few minutes, feeling pretty certain that a child will come running, at some point, from somewhere.
Yes, please. The ice cream truck that comes through our neighborhood plays the same ridiculous play list. And we have a neighbor that buys a boatload of ice cream from him so the guy stops and chats with the neighbor and leaves the damn music playing for 20 minutes. I’m sure he doesn’t even hear it anymore. It’s way more annoying than power tools.
Way more annoying. I just don’t get it. Of all the songs, in all the world, he chooses those.
I don’t have one that drives by my apartment, but one came while I was at a friend’s bbq. I didn’t notice the Christmas songs, but I *did* notice the fact that only one side had ice cream pictures on it, and the other side looked like a blank kidnapping van. You know what I mean. It sketched me out.
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. Never get to close to the van.
Ok, let me get this strait. You are mad because someone comes to your house EVERYday with a truck’s worth of ice cream for your picking because they happen to play crappy music? My dear FB, for the most part I think you walk on water but you are on your own with this one. I listen to crappy Christmas music from October to January and do you know what I get for my troubles? A big truck full of nothing; no ice cream, no paper dots, no gumballs or pop rocks for purchase, just lots of bad commercials for Kay jewelers and electronics.
On a complete tangent, it took me years — YEARS — to get that “every kiss begins with K” commercial. File that under more proof that he is dumber than he looks.
But you make an excellent point: I need to separate play angst from actual angst. I wrote this just after thinking about a Seinfeld episode. This was so a post about nothing. But I think if I actually acquired the vehicle, I’d make a special long distance trip to make sure you finally got some ice cream.
sometimes that horrible tingy noise of the ice cream truck just gives me nightmares.
Thank god ice cream makes nightmares easier to handle. Otherwise it would be lose-lose.
Lol, just thinking about Wayne Brady carjacking someone made me laugh! I say we team up and jack a fool.
That episode is so classic. I didn’t think Wayne Brady had it in him.
Ice cream trucks in DC? Where?
Over by Dunbar High School, just a few blocks north and east of Gallery Place/Chinatown.
Oh, FB I was just giving you a hard time because I think you are spectacular. You make a pretty good point about the Christmas music in June thing. Heck, they did not even wait until the Christmas in July Sales to start.
(Oh, I know.) But that’s exactly what Miss Bianca said: early even for Christmas in July. Great minds.
Dude I love that episode of the chapelle show
Wish he never cancelled the show.
Kill him. Seriously, as someone who has worked in retail during the holiday season and suffered through hours of feckin’ jingles about Santa, Rudolph, dreidels, etc, it is the best course of action.
LOL.
I feel for you. Just 10 minutes at a time is enough for me. When I take over the truck, I’m going to totally change the playlist.
ice cream truck music makes me STABBY. even if it’s not christmas music. that tinny music on repeat should definitely be qualified as an aural assault, with jail time.
uh, also, isn’t the reindeer’s name VIXEN?
You are the only person to mention the “Fixin” thing. I should get you a prize or something.
You could bring it to my ice cream party. (I’ll send you details about that once I get the permit.)
Yes! Though I might look a little sure of myself arriving at an ice cream party with my own ice cream truck. Or is it more like showing up at a house party with beer? Because, obviously, that’s totally acceptable and even encouraged.
I love footnote 3. Classic.
I just told The Mister that I have a special skill of hearing the ice cream man from miles away. But if he played Christmas music I’d have a fit.
In a tough economy, that is a marketable, employable skill. Run with it. This is my worst advice of the week.
Dasher & Dancer & prancer & Vixen & Comet & Cupid & Donner & Blitzen.
This Jew grew up in Bible-belt Ohio. Jealous of Christmas pageants.
Also: AT LEAST YOU GET THE ICE CREAM TRUCK, which is more than I can say for my neighborhood!
You don’t get an ice cream truck either? I honestly didn’t know we were so lucky.
I wish the ice cream truck in our neightborhood only drove by. At least the dang thing should have a playlist longer than one song. I forget what this week’s song is. Some song that children sing. Either way. 15+ minutes is too damn long for an icecream truck to sit in one spot and play the same song. Unless they felt like coming all the way up to my apartment to give me free icecream.
Exactly. All ice cream trucks should deliver to our doors, too. This is what I believe.
Everytime I think of an ice cream truck I think of the Yemeni ice cream dudes out of Bakersfield, CA that were arrested for being spies. LOL So yes, while they sold innocent little children overpriced ice cream cones on the corner of Chester and H st they were buying and selling semi automatic weapons to terrorists around the corner, in the alley! LOL OK.. I don’t know why I just laughed. Defense mechanism, I guess?
They also arrested a Minimart owner for the same thing in Porterville that year. (I live in one of the two cities I mentioned) They both are within an hour from each other.
Other than that? I think the choice of music for some of these ice cream trucks is funny. HEY they should blare out Madonna or something and appeal to the demographic that actually HAS money! LOL
you know what MY neighborhood needs? The “Panadero”… YES .. the Mexican bread van. No song, just a big BEEEEPPPPP honking of a horn that sorta sang..
“la cucaracha.. la cucaracha..
lla no puede caminar..
porque le falta
porque no tiene
marijuana que fumar…”
MAN I miss that van. Yummy YUMMY bread!!