credit: waffler
People watching: everybody does it.
I was walking down Fake Street, nearing Make Believe Avenue, and I passed the same café I pass several times a week. In spring and summer, the café’s owners put out some tables, chairs and umbrellas and turn their little corner into the only place with outdoor seating for about a mile in any direction.
I stood at the corner, waiting on the light to change. At one of the tables sat a guy and a girl sitting almost motionless, sharing what could only be interpreted as an inconvenient truth: neither of them wanted to be there. It was written all over their faces: she was bored and he was unwilling to impress.
It seemed obvious that they weren’t a couple having a fight or in a standoff. When established couples fight in public, they’re notably aware that everyone knows they’re a couple who just had a fight in public. There are usually only two ways that plays out: at least one of them stands and leaves or at least one pretends like nothing is wrong — yes, often the guy who doesn’t want the attention from neighboring diners — and continues eating or taking slow slips from a glass in silence.
No; this felt more like both were starting a new journey and neither was enjoying the adventure.
I just couldn’t understand why they suffered so insistently. Bad dates happen. You get gussied-up, walk through a cloud of your favorite fragrance, remember to wear a belt, leave the sneakers at home and head out hopeful, but bad dates happen anyway. I get that. It’s the kind of thing that makes you not want to leave the house some nights unless it’s with friends. But once you’re out there, and the date is a catastrophe for both of you, why not just… leave?
You have to do it politely, of course. But that isn’t that hard when the other person wants to run like Forrest Gump in the other direction. Lady: you had a look on your face that said, “I wish I had cross-scheduled a raw root canal.” Dude: you had a look that said, “I’d rather be constipated.” And I know you could tell what the other was thinking. I could, and I was 20 feet away.
You have to be willing to break the mold when dating; that’s just a rule. Hell, I’ve gone on some dates that were just straight-up risky.¹ But once it’s clear that neither of you has the energy to pretend, stop wasting each other’s time and end it. It’s painful to watch and it’s not like you get a merit badge for realizing your date is a sinkhole but diving in headfirst anyway. End it, shake hands and move on. Life is way too short to be willfully spent in infinite sadness.
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¹Like “thinking about how to file a restraining order” risky, before the appetizers even landed on the table.
Ah bad dates, I’m a bit familiar with it. I usually just take him to clubs where many people are so I don’t have to caught up in any convos.
That’s so much easier. Less pressure on both of you.
I love people watching
It’s so cheap and easy. People just show up everywhere I go.
Did you see me on a date?! Lol! I’ve had so many of those dates where I just wanted to say clearly this isn’t going to work, but I hate to be mean. I won’t have another one of those dates, nor will I ever hate to be mean again because all of my bad dates have taught me a lesson…if it doesn’t make me happy in the early stages, walk away, because I’m just wasting my time!
You don’t even have to be mean. It’s not mean to just admit it’s not clicking. If you’re on a date with someone’s who’s an adult, it should be pretty easy.
People watching is the best.
As far as bad dates, I haven’t really dated but I’m learning to walk away from situations if I’m unhappy…because nothing is worse than being stuck in a relationship rut.
Ruts suck. That rhymes.
I wish I took your advice back when I used to “suffer through” tons of bad dates. Its like you don’t want to admit how terrible the date is going, so you stick it out thinking maybe the other person will miraculously change.
The miracle change: it’s like a unicorn. It’s totally cool to hope to see one some day, but there’s a pretty low return on any investment toward making that dream come true.
I always meet someone informally for a drink. Makes for an easy escape. No guarantee that we’ll like each other – why suffer. A drink is quick and easy. You can have one and call it a day or conversely extend that into a nice conversation over a couple drinks. Win-Win.
Yep. Quick and easy. If starts dragging and gets difficult, just ask for the tab and it’s over.
Ok FB, it is time you started to write a book. People of the world need this sort of advice to counter “He is just not that into you” and all those other dating books out there.
The whole point is to find something that works for both. When it clearly isn’t working, what is there to wait for? But thanks. I would totally write a book if someone fronted me the cash. (Hear that publishers? I am available at a slightly-below-market price.)
Amen.
There’s just gotta be something else they could’ve done with the time.
I like your thinking f.B- straight forward and honest, why play through the motions just because that’s what you do? Your time is valuable and so is theirs!
Exactly. It only really works if both people are bored or whatever. But if it’s obvious that both people think the date sucks…
Risky is an understatement, Lol, I have had dates get a little “stabby.”
Haha. Stabby? Yeah, that’s no good.
I never dated in highschool or college and ended up with a serious boyfriend for the first time at 24. So, now that I’m back in the world of even thinking about dating, it’s horrifying. The whole thing is horrifying and I hate every minute of it. I wouldn’t know how to get up and leave. And I finally figured out that that’s why I ended up in bad relationships in the first place, because I simply could not get up and leave. So until I’m willing to do that? I’m staying off the market.
Totally get it. I didn’t really start until after high school, too.
How about do the old “oh look! it’s THAT time and I have to be rushing for THAT thing I scheduled!”
People watching is the best.
People-watching is probably the second-best free activity in the world.
This is when you have a friend ring your cell with a fake emergency. Problem solved.
Who knows, maybe you were watching a DateLab and they couldn’t leave before they took the pictures.
If they took pictures, they should’ve given copies to me. Don’t they know I blog what I see and settled for a non-specific Creative Commons photo?
You really learn so much by people watching. Or realize things that you never took the time to notice.
Also, I like this: Life is way too short to be willfully spent in infinite sadness.
I’m adopting it.
Do it. It’s all yours.
this makes me want to head to an outoor cafe in dupont, buy myself a prosecco, and people watch for a few hours.
or…. work. inside. WHATEVER.
Work inside. Right. I love doing that, too.
I once told a woman, after we finished the first round and she wanted to get another, “I’d be happy to get another round but only if we both dispense with the notion that there is even a hint of attraction on either of our parts.”
She didn’t really like my candor.
Hmm. I suppose you have to be absolutely sure she’s also disinterested.
As a sociologist, people watching is my forte.
As for bad dates, can’t say I went out to find girls to go on dates. All my gfs just kinda happened.
It’s been mostly a “just kinda happened” thing for me, too. But there have been a couple awkward nights.
People watching is so addicting. I could do it for hours. The worst is when you get an awkward glare back because they know you’ve been watching.
Life is way too short to sit in sadness or boredom.
The glare back is so awkward. My solution is usually to just keep looking, rather than turn sharply.
‘Best’ Worst date I ever had was actually *after* the date…. Dude called me 4 times, emailed twice and sent 5 texts within FOUR hours of the date! I did get a marriage proposal out of it.
11 attempts to contact in four hours?! Jebus.
Hmmm, the last real bad first date I had, the guy neglected to tell me he didn’t like dogs -total deal breaker, which I stated in my profile-. Then, despite apparently being a somewhat famous journalist, he just would not talk. After half and hour I left declaring that I needed to go feed my dogs.
Nothing gets on my nerves like a no-talker. I can eat in quiet at home by myself.
Sometimes, being alone seems harder than being miserable. I don’t get it but people seem to feel that way, right?
I do sense that. And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t felt that.
Please tell me the girl on the date wasn’t me. Um, you would have recognized me, right??!?!
Right, right. And, uh, I’d never simply not use names to protect people I know in real life. Uh huh. Thank god we’re on the same page.