credit: C1ssou
Miss Bianca, her trusty Orville and I are moving.¹ We’re not quite at the packing boxes stage, though maybe we should be. Actually, we’re still at the “looking for a place” stage. And that brings me to the point of this post.
Lessors, landlords and property managers alike, take heed.
1. When you don’t include pictures in a listing, we assume it’s because the place advertised actually looks like this:
credit: Bee Skutch
2. If you provide an ambiguous address, we assume it’s because the actual location contains horrors we wouldn’t even wish upon our worst enemy; you know, the kind of fate equaling death the Griffins wouldn’t even wish upon Meg.
Everybody spitting on Meg in a panic room.
3. If we show up for a walk-through, do us the courtesy of a courtesy flush.
We showed up at one place and stepped into the bathroom. That’s a pretty standard thing to do. No surprises there, right? Well we were surprised by the stains inside the toilet bowl and the rolled, used, shreds of TP on the seat. Apparently the property manager had gotten bored or bloated and sloppily used the show-apartment to solve that problem.
4. If you don’t want pets, just say so.
If you can say “no” to this face –
– so be it. But there’s no need to scream it by writing it in all caps. Also, if you don’t want pets, just say it upfront. If you leave it out, thinking maybe it’ll come up and maybe it won’t, trust me: it will, except not until after we’ve wasted our time by pursuing your place.
5. Do not tell us the house has “character.” Tell us it has exposed brick, or a fireplace, or a reading nook, but don’t say it has “character.” Seeing apartments and houses is like going on a blind date and everyone knows what it’s like when the matchmaker stresses that your blind date has “character.”²
6. Tell your current tenants that we’re coming.
This is easy. We don’t want to walk in on anything by surprise any more than you do. Actually, we want it even less. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if the place wasn’t a complete sty. That way, we could get a sense for how the space actually feels and it wouldn’t smell so weird.
Have we forgotten anything? We’re definitely taking any advice you’ve got.
_________
¹The Rescuers? Anyone?
²Ugly. It means the date (or house) is ugly.
I didn’t hunt for too long because I got lucky and moved in with a friend but yeaaaaaaaaaaah. I’m gonna have to do this in a year…
I think you got it all covered. I agree with the no picture and the vague address.
Oh and my favorites used to be the “No credit check required”…Because I really want to live in the same building as those doesn’t even HAVE credit.
Good luck to you guys.
“No credit check” means they don’t actually own the house and therefore don’t care if you can pay because it’s a windfall profit for them anyway.
Where are you thinking about moving to?
We’re staying in the city. I should probably clarify that. But as to which neighborhood, we’re open.
First time here and loved the way you wrote it!
Hehehe @ the post .. So very true.. esp the ones about vague addresses.
Good luck with the moving!
Welcomes welcomes! The vague addresses are just silly. You’re gonna have to tell us at one point. It’s not like we’re just gonna send you money and personal info without having seen the place, so you might as well just tell us.
that whole thing about the TP just grosses me OUT!
eeeewww
It was unbelievable. I just… Just unbelievable.
If you need help moving … I can be paid in beer
Sweet. We love to barter for services.
how about “warn us if your ailing grandmother is going to be laying in the bed of one of the rooms. we won’t be there, but she will. and she moans really loud and has alzheimers and freaks out a lot. just FYI.”
little tidbits of info like that make house/apartment hunting MUCH less awkward for you and your friends.
good luck!
What? You didn’t… you didn’t think the moaning grandmother added any value to the place?
I had the same issue with the lack of pictures included in craigslist ads when I was looking to move down here. It’s frustrating and it doesn’t help the person with the ad, either.
In my parents defense, who rent out condos, a lot of people don’t read the lease agreement and it’s necessary to have the no pets thing in all caps. Even then people are stupid enough to bring a cat into the apartment, which is why I ended up helping my parents remove a cat-pissed covered carpet, that stank to high heaven, from one of the condos on my summer vacation.
I like cats, and I love dogs even more, and that is a cute dog you got there so I think you and Miss Bianca should just move to the Alexandria area so that I come over and play with your dog because I’m really pet deprived these days. (hello run-on sentence)
Haha. Cody, aka Orville, loves making new friends.
But let’s be honest, what WOULDN’T the Griffins wish upon poor Meg?
Make sure to carry this list around with you wherever you go by the way.
You’re so right: Meg just can’t catch a break.
Great list! And no one can rightfully resist that face.
Right? Look at all the emotion in those eyes.
I think I’m moving in August. It’s taken so long to find a place with “character” that matches my own.
I know. I joked about the character idea, but it’s so hard to find something that feels right. It’s just something you have to see to know. It can’t be proclaimed in an ad.
Nobody can resist that face. No one. But now, I am the crazy animal lady (2 dogs and 2 birds), so this is why I ended up buying a house in the wilderness on MD (a.k.a. Takoma Park)
Having 4 pets doesn’t make you crazy. It makes you an animal-lover and we need more of those.
i LOVED the rescuers when i was growing up! miss bianca was so beautiful
i would also add counting a “nook” or a “den” or anything that is not actually its own room as a “bedroom,” without qualifying it as such. if i’m looking for a 2 bedroom apartment, there’s a reason, and having a “space you can fit another bed and maybe hang a curtain next to for privacy” does not = bedroom.
Yes! Seriously: there are laws re: what can actually be a bedroom. People should stop breaking those laws.
Um, I think we may be meant to be best friends. The Rescuers (and its boomerang-themed sequel) were amaaazing movies that, in my opinion, never got the credit they deserved.
I own both Rescuers movies. BOTH. And yes: they were totally underrated. As soon as we settle in the new place, the invitation is open.
How about good communication skills?
When my hubby and I were shopping around for an apartment ages ago (long before we finally moved into a house), we went to one listing and ‘surprised’ the landlord living there.
Apparently he lived with his mother upstairs and after greeting us at the front door in his robe (eek!), he said “wait here!” and proceeded to go upstairs and loudly berate his mother for not telling him that we were coming. (I made the appointment with her on the phone)
It felt a little like listening to a conversation from the movie “Psycho” and after waiting forever, we decided we didn’t need to see the apartment THAT badly.
For some reason, this reminded me of that scene in Wedding Crashers when Will Ferrell is yelling at his mom about some meatloaf or something. But your scenario is so much weirder because it was real.
After moving twice a year for college, I’m glad I settled in my first apartment in Chicago for the last 3 years. However, now I’m tired w/ it and the neighborhood. I’m looking for something more fun. So I’m in the same boat as you. I haven’t even packed, found a place yet, but I know I need to be out by July 31st.
One thing to remember is to check the water pressure of the place. Flush the toilet & check the showers for hot water.
July 31st is our date, too. And yes: water pressure is key. Though, we weren’t gonna touch the toilet at that place that wasn’t flushed.
When I was searching through CL, I literally chose only to show postings with pictures. Why on EARTH would I waste a half hour + of my time on something I can’t see first??
For surrious. It’s not supposed to be a surprise. I’m not doing it for the “didn’t see THAT coming” element.
Best of luck finding a new place, I know how hard it is. I would definitely not say no to that gorgeous face.
Yeah, it’s hard. We just saw a place yesterday that would’ve been nice… if it had one more bedroom, or even just a den.
Character:Apartments::Nice:Unattractive members of the opposite sex
It just feels like a promise destined to disappoint if it comes true.