You’ve heard about it, right? LG gave a 15-year-old 50k to text blindfolded for a few minutes.
In all fairness, there were some other teens vying for the cash, too. I guess that makes it more like some brand of stationary sport than simply an expedition in some tactile brilliance. But you can’t knock the hustle. If this girl’s demographic could convince LG that blindfolded texting was worth the cost of almost one year at GW, I tilt my brim to her. She apparently wants Coach purses and a pony. Hustle on.
More importantly, however, the story reminded me that there were a slew of things I could do as a kid/teen that, had some senior marketing exec decided to encourage me, would’ve generated some pretty handsome profits. Just ask Napoleon: everybody has to have some sweet skills. I’m no different. But since some of my sweet skills from yesteryear may still be marketable, here are just a few as a sampler:
1. I could consistently finish in second place.
Originally, AP photo / July 18, 2004.
That dude that’s circled? Me (figuratively, of course).
I was almost as good as the best at a lot. You name it: 50-yard dash, pull-ups, basketball, kickball, jail-ball¹, capture the flag… The list goes on. I was consistently a few pull-ups, or strides, or points away from glory. I could do anything, except for the sit and reach.²
But you know what they give you for second place? A pat on your back on their way to congratulate the champion.
2. I could avoid doing the chicken dance, despite being surrounded and peer-pressured at school-functions by children dancing like chickens.No one was going to make me do it. Nothing gave them that right.
3. I could use puberty to excuse my behavior.
Blame it on the test- te-te-test- testosterone.
Example #1:
her: *glares*
me: I assure you, while you may have caught me gazing upon your chest, the fault rests not with me, but with the changes I suffer silently inside… and occasionally visibly on the outside.
Example #2:
education professional: You were dancing way too close to her.
me: I assure you, while you may have found me pressed up close, my mind was telling me “no” but my body was telling me “yes” and, frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with a little bump and grind.
_________
¹We had two forms of dodgeball as kids: (1) the one DodgeBall made famous, which we called “jail ball” and (2) the one where kids form a circle around one other kid and attempt to drill him/her at close range with a ball.
²Actually, I consider asking a kid to do the sit and reach to be the mark of the devil. (edit)
If girls can blame everything on crazy hormones, so should you :p I’m kinda with you on being in the second place at a lot of things though.
Yeah… Second place is exactly what it’s cracked up to be.
hahaha i love example #1!!
i could do sit and reaches. i’m quite flexible. especially after taking martial art
You’re right. And you’re not evil at all. I should change that.
Does the sit and reach involve sitting on the couch and reaching for beer? …Maybe I am good at something.
Not “maybe;” definitely. You are a champion.
“I assure you, while you may have caught me gazing upon your chest, the fault rests not with me, but with the changes I suffer silently inside… and occasionally visibly on the outside.”
If only my colleagues/bosses had been able to come up with a line like that when caught talking into my chest. It may have persuaded me to overlook the transgression.
Maybe. But by then it’s no longer puberty. It’s a personality flaw.
consistently finish in second place? sounds like phil mickelson! (i am FORCED to watch golf against my will, but i can’t help but pick up on things.)
also this was my favorite No Fear t-shirt in 6th grade:
Second place is the first loser.
I’m following the last round of the Open this morning. Which is weird for me, but eh. Mickelson still has a shot.
Also, I think the first shirt I wore on the first day of high school was a No Fear t-shirt.
“Blame it on the test- te-te-test- testosterone.”
I was laughing my head off when I read this- that song is so stuck in my head!
Dude. You should make a spoof video of it. I would totally play the role of Ron Howard.
I’m still trying to get over the fact that they gave her 50K for texting blindfolded.
I mean, SERIOUSLY?!
50. K. 5% of one million dollars.
oooh, i’m a solid come-in-second-er myself. i’m going to start amassing burger king crowns so we can crown ourselves appropriately for everything in life that other people won’t salute us for.
I would wear it proudly. Next happy hour?
I could dominate the sit and reach like I was getting paid for it. I used to show off in middle school b/c I could do it the best. In high school, I just used my awesome ho-bag skills to show off.
Haha. “Awesome ho-bag?”
I think everyone should be able to use hormones as an excuse all the time.
Late for work? Sorry boss, had to jack off this morning. Blame it on the hormones.
Forgot an assignment? Sorry professor, was having drunken sex all weekend. Blame it on the hormones.
Drank too much at a wedding? Single bridesmaids/groomsmen are fair game. Blame it on the hormones!
Each of those is totally valid. I mean, it’s science. How could we be denied?
That Jay Z song is money!!!
Cash money. But not Cash Money (never really like the Big Tymers).
If I could have the phone I wanted and t9, I honestly believe I could cream that 15 year old.
Not that I thought about it. Not at all.
It’s understandable but dumb that they all had to use LG-sponsored phones. That’s phonism.
You really can blame just about everything on hormones.
Also, I *hated* the sit and reach. With a passion.
Sitting and reaching is just so hard. And why do it when I can sit and not reach?
Thank you, sir, for my daily dose of R. Kelly.
(If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the penicillin store.)
I know he’s been acquitted, and whatever, but I’ll still never forget the Chappelle Show skits about him.
It just occurred to me that my favorite part of your blog is that you always include footnotes.
It classes it up a little, no?
guess who came in 2nd at the US Open? yeah, i so called that.
Haha. Yeah, you did!