My fight swag is atrocious. However, it is also invisible. I blame a couple of underreported diseases: full-blown literacy and severe rationalatosis. Combined, the two completely mask my fight swag and shatter my roughneck image. Underneath it all, though, I beast people.
Now, there are a handful of you reading this who have actually met me. I will deal with your side-splitting laughter at the mere idea of me as a fighter in a moment.
But, for those of you I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting, allow me to reintroduce myself: I am a bruiser of legend. In fact, I’m so infamous, my battles with the foes I have vanquished have become the inspiration for well-known conflicts. I present three irrefutable examples:
1. Itchy vs. Scratchy.
2. Peter Griffin vs. The Chicken.
3. Man vs. Wild.
Epic.
For any of those who still doubt my fisticuffed prowess, know this: I carry the warrior gene. That’s right: the warrior gene. You may think this is just conjecture. However, since the warrior gene is fact, that makes this factual conjecture. So there.
And just how do I know I have this gene? Well, I did an experiment, of course. And not just any experiment: the exact same experiment real scientists did. I pretended that someone stole my money and then asked myself to cause physical pain to this imaginary thief by administering varying amounts of hot sauce.
Hot sauce. I administered hot sauce. What more proof do you need?
The results were always the same, whether I used Frank’s RedHot, Tabasco or your basic store brand. I even used Sriracha. Think this is all a joke? Well, the laugh’s on you. Check out that link again. It’s real. Science agrees: I am a bad man.
um, i want the warrior gene. actually i think i have it, two of my grandparents were born in sparta, greece.
’nuff said.
SPARTA!
SPARTA! Does this mean I’m now part Spartan?
I want the warrior gene too.
Will you share?
For you? Of course.
OMFG that turtle picture is so gross.
So. Gross.
That man v wild guy pisses me off. And yet, every time the show is on I just can’t seem to turn it off. Reminds me a lot of old relationships actually…
Pisses you off because he kills animals that he doesn’t really need to kill to “survive” since there’s a full camera crew along with him that would never let him die? Or is there something else?
I’ve always had a secret thing for the bad boys (especially the ones who have a library card….)
I have a Library of Congress library card.
You used the phrase, “fisticuffed prowess,”… No man in their right mind will throw down with you!
Exactly. I’ve drawn a line in the sand.
i had to read that first paragraph three times in order to make sense of it. so i don’t think i have one of your diseases, that full blown literacy one.
Oh, it’s not you. Trust me. It’s my inability to even pretend I’m that tough. The words just feel awkward.
That Man Vs. Wild show looks horrible! People already kill way too many animals, we don’t need to see a jackass do it for “entertainment”!
Hot sauce as punishment? I guess I eat too much of the damn stuff, because it sounds like a pleasant reward to me.
It is so tasty. I love putting a little in a red sauce with pasta.
I usually feel that hot sauce can resolve most of my issues. Perhaps I’m a fighter, too
You are what you choose as a condiment.
Wait were you actually in this experiment or did you recreate it with some unlucky dinner guest?
The article I linked to isn’t about me. But “unlucky” doesn’t even begin to describe.
I had a tussle with Verizon today. I could have used a warrior gene.
Maybe there’s a warrior gene donation bank? No, no. That sounds gross even though I didn’t want it to.
I’m glad the story clarified that no hot sauce was actually eaten. Cause clearly that was the first question I had after reading about that study.
Still, maybe I should purge the house just in case.
Do it. I’m dangerous.
Peter vs Chicken is EPIC!!! But seriously bro, we need to get you on the Habanero sauce.
So epic. I want to see them fight right now.
And now I know why you and B get along so well.
Sigh.
It’s the whole first names start with “B” thing.
I’m a gatherer more than a hunter, thus the warrior gene is definitely in not my stream. I nearly cried today as my mother callously speared a small minnow on the end of her fishing line. Clearly this whole ‘food chain’ business is not for me.
Oh my god. What? Um… I may need to reconsider my warrior status.
I have it, too, but this is typically not a desirable trait in a lady. Not that I ever claimed to be a lady or anything, but yanno… Anyway, last week I posted those potential TMI titles. And at least two of them were about fistfights.
Don’t cross me, son, & I won’t cross you.
Since when is the warrior gene not desirable in a lady?