credit: designatednaphour
Michael Stipe wrote a song that fits this moment. Well, sorta. Actually, if you understand a single idea in It’s the End of the World as We Know It, please: share.
But, right: our house. Our American house is crumbling. We’ve spent two centuries and a little more than a generation building our foundation and now it’s in shambles.
An outrageous claim? I think not.
Our American house has a foundation cemented upon three premises: fast food, whale-sized automobiles and the appearance of sex. The first has proven that movies like Super Size Me, diseases and the FDA are no match and its industry seems as unsinkable as Molly Brown. The other tenets are in danger, though.
We’ve all heard of the auto industry’s epic-fail performance. This week, GM is at center stage. And for all the jokes that have been made about how China owns us and how, if it ever called in our debt, we’d dodge that phone call like it was a student loan collector on the line, a Chinese manufacturer is buying Hummer.
Yes, that Hummer: the masturbatorial insignia stamped upon the self-celebrating American-life Hummer; the “if the roads and highways were like pants, then I would be too big for my britches” giant on wheels; and the “just in case I encounter enemy fire on the way to my daughter’s soccer practice” suburban tank. Like we are a child given a toy he then misuses, the Hummer has been taken away from us and placed high upon the shelf.
But there’s more.
The appearance of sex is a stand-alone industry here in America. We have a tease industry. Sure, we outlaw actual sex in all sorts of places and you certainly can’t do it for money unless you’re in Vegas or the San Fernando Valley. But we revel in flirtation: it’s legal, profitable and durable. Well, it was, until it started causing tingling thigh syndrome.
Yes: tingling thigh syndrome. Do not confuse this with restless leg syndrome. Tingling thigh syndrome (“TTS”) doesn’t interrupt you while you’re laying on your couch trying to do a crossword puzzle, unless you are laying on your couch in skinny jeans. Yes, skinny jeans are the culprit and stilettos are the accomplice. TTS “can happen when constant pressure… cuts off the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve, causing a numb, tingling or burning sensation along the thigh.” Apparently, the compression of the skinny in the jeans, especially if worn with steep shoes and a heavy handbag, can make your legs want to shrivel and die.
Remember this moment, kids. This is the moment when the American pharmaceutical industry’s efforts to tell you everything makes you sick and it has a cure confronts the tease industry head-on. Personally, I hope neither side backs down.
And another note: I bet there are a bunch of nations laughing hysterically at us, right now. And why not? I am.
[Note: as of approximately 1pm, WordPress has decided to just quit. Which is cool, which is cool. But if you've left a comment since then or just before then, chances are it's not showing below this post. Anything you wrote is on my WP dashboard and in my email, and I'll post them mySELF if WordPress decides to continue its shenanigans, but as of now, it's madness. Sorry.]
Let me be the first to say: Haha!
On that note, I wore impossibly high shoes today on the bus. Sadly, no tingling thighs were reported. Or perhaps that’s a good thing? But then, sometimes you want tingling thighs.
I have heard that the tingle is why people mingle; that the shake of the thigh puts a gleam in the eye.
You are an interesting nation to live beside, that’s for sure. There is no country on earth that spends more time watching Americans than Canadians.
Laughing hysterically? Maybe some are, but I think that most are hoping that you all collectively live up to your potential.
PS: I don’t have an accent, YOU have the accent.
Me, accent? I don’t know what you’re tawlking about.
Let the Chinese have their Hummers.
Yes, I know how that sounds.
Haha.
I won’t claim to understand what Michael Stipe and co. are getting at in that song, though I heard that the lyrics are rooted in a series of apocalyptic dreams (plus an entirely separate dream about a birthday party where everyone but him had the same initials) and that the dream-like imagery accounts for the stream-of-consciousness feel that the lyrics have.
In seriousness, though, you’re right – the great pillars of American society are coming crashing down around us. There will always be a junk food industry. There will always be a sex industry. And people will always need ways to get from A to B. But McDonalds is also selling salads, the “sex sells” ethos has been facing a great deal of backlash and the best selling cars in the nation are Japanese.
On top of which, the US has lost its standing as a financial, scientific and moral leader in the international community.
Ultimately, this country is going to need to undergo a massive paradigm shift. There will always be apple pie and baseball, there will always be Thanksgiving turkey and Fourth of July fireworks, but “the American way” is going to have to change.
The American way is going to have to loosen its belt, or at least its seams.
Tingling thighs? Really?
I didn’t believe – I had to click on the link. Oy.
I couldn’t have made it up if I tried.
Think I can go on disability for my tingling thigh syndrome?
Hell yeah. They’d love that. No, seriously: they would.
there are *definitely* lots of nations laughing at us right now
I’m thinking any country that doesn’t say jeans cause diseases/disorders.
It’s all true- and I fear for you guys. I have personally set aside a spot for you in Canada. (Yeah, we are the promise land, what can I say…)
I should’ve known Canada was the promised land. I should’ve known.
I must confess: I feel an overwhelming impulse to vandalize hummers when I see one.
Skinny jeans and high heels? I have not felt the tingling thigh just yet, but, do you know if its occurrence is in any form correlated with the levels of consumption of fast food?
Not that I at all condone or support vandalism, but, at times, I am willing to look the other way.
Now as for skinny jeans + high heels + fast food, well, I think you just found the equation for living the American dream.
I never knew the appearance of sex was so important in house building. huh.
and I felt slightly sick reading about TTS. Perhaps its really just all in our minds? I mean people make themselves sick every day, or maybe its something along the lines of that fructose corn syrup commercial (Im sure you’ve seen it). Yes, skinny jeans really do make you sick, but the industry wants us to think its good for us. (Hmm, i hate skinny jeans, if I’m going to show off my legs, id rather wear a skirt.)
Lol! I am laughing at us too. Makes you wonder how we survived back in the day without fancy pills. I mean can you imagine how people delt with restless leg problems WITHOUT pills. Oh man.
Haha. I read “fancy pills” as “pills that make you fancy.” So, no: I have no idea how we survived without fancy pills.
Hell, tingling thighs would almost be welcome right now!
Then squeeze into those jeans, strap on those shoes, and go make us proud! Do it for America.
shit. i tried posting but idk where it went to…my answer wont be as witty this time tho.
….
So weird. Your first one came through. And I tried editing it with my reply and it hugely failed and then everything disappeared.
If “they” are counting TSS as a real thing, then who do I need to contact to get “chub-rub” added? Nothing like a long day of wearing a skirt only to have an uncomfortable rash at the end of the day from your thighs rubbing together. NOT that that has ever happend to me obvi.
1. I’ve met you and you’re not chubby.
2. “Chubby” isn’t bad, anyway. Actually, it’s… Actually, I should just play it safe and move to #3.
3. I can’t give the contact info. Because if “the rub” means we’re banning skirts, too…
I think that to solve the whale car problem, we should look into simply training *actual* whales to replace cars. I know that if I rolled into a Best Buy riding a whale I am guaranteed a parking spot.
Plus, it’s just as ridiculous as the large car phenomena.
Brilliant. You are so guaranteed a parking spot. And if I was there, I’d ask for your autograph.
I’ve looked a bit into futurology for a research assignment I’m doing and they all predict that within 25 years, we’ll no long be a super power. I don’t think they factored in an effect from skinny jeans, though, so I wouldn’t trust their results.
American hegemony rises and falls on the tightness of jeans. That is the kind of fact we should be teaching our children.
Thank god I couldn’t be a hipster if I tried…
But I KNOW I will have carpal’s tunnel.
You’re way too legitimately and genuinely cool to be a hipster.
i wasn’t fishing, i swear. i forget that tone/sarcasm doesn’t translate well in writing.
see you tomorrow?
Oh, I didn’t think you were fishing at all. I was just being nice. And tomorrow: I think I can, I think I can.
[...] Clicky! [...]
I think the sad part is not that the pharmaceutical industry is trying to sell us diseases (though that is sad in and of itself), the truly sad part is we are creating so many more diseases because of our horrible lifestyles that include Hummers and skinny jeans.
Yes. The truth is that the environment is probably only so forgiving.
Tingling bad? Blasphemy!
Exactly. Jeans were made to be skinny. Unless I am wearing them. Then, not so much.
My understanding of how the pharmaceutical industry works these days is along the lines of: 1) create a new drug, 2) come up with a disease that it’ll cure–often by pathologizing some minor common problem or personality quirk. For years, of course, there’s been a name, and drug-based treatment for being shy at parties, but, just recently, I was amazed to find out that my tendency to get confused about right and left is also an official disorder. Will my inability to turn away from really awful reality TV be next?
Probably. There definitely is seasonal anxiety disorder, as in the next season of For the Love of Ray J or Real Housewives of NJ.
There should be a hunting season on skinny jean wearers. Seriously, we are weak as a country. I have been thinking of this lately and may do a post about how we are failing America, more particularly, men are failing the country.
Do it. Dooo it.