I usually can’t stand when people start a sentence with “I don’t do” and end it with an inanimate object or concept, like “showers,” or “mornings.” Nonetheless…
I don’t do open water.
So it should it go without saying that I’ve never seen the movie by that name:
Yet for reasons unknown, I’m fascinated by the causes for the fear: the bigdamnfish that live beneath the surface. For example, I’m always glued to my TV during shark week on the Discovery Channel and can’t wait until late this July when the Discovery building in nearby Silver Spring will be adorned with its annual shark head, tail and fins:
credit: adrants.com
This same fascination led to me watching something like seven episodes of River Monsters on Animal Planet yesterday. The entire, outward point of this show is to freak people like me out. Actually, I think it said “Here’s f***ing with you, f.B” in the credits. The host, Jeremy Wade, gets paid to assure people like me that despite what we may have considered our worst fears about open water in seas and oceans, there are actually man-eating, flesh-craving beasts of unimaginable sizes in the fresh water we assumed was safer. These fresh water fish don’t play by the rules and, due to the oft murky water in which they live, can’t tell their anal fins from their pectoral fins, let alone my leg from a meal.
So what did I learn after seven hours?
1. Jeremy Wade is a heartless bastard.
2. I now also don’t do closed water, fresh water or any other collection of water not in a bathtub or loaded with safe-levels of chlorine.
3. Grey’s Anatomy actually bases some of its shows on fact.
Remember? There was that Grey’s episode featuring a guy with a fish in his penis two years ago. And guess who thought it was just some sort of Amazonian myth. Yep: me. But it’s not.
On episode number seven, yesterday — notice, it was the last episode I decided to watch — a guy was trying to urinate in the river. And guess what? A candirú swam up his urine stream and into his happy branch. Frightened beyond belief, he looked down and the damn thing was hanging out. By the time he got to the hospital, this 5-6 inches long fish was trying to gnaw its way out through the sphincter; through, the, sphincter.
So.
Don’t judge me if, this summer and for the rest of my life, I avoid the kinds of adventures and experiences that include “risk of fish in penis.” I fully plan to take some time here and there and have fun. And hopefully that’ll include a resort or some beach-side vacationing. But I will not — I stress, will not — allow my urethra to become a link in the food chain. I’m just not that kind of guy.
I remember that episode of Grey’s.
I cringed then and I cringed now.
I love the ocean but I love the Mediterranean more…calmer waters…
You love the ocean and the killer creatures? Or just the ocean and hope the killer creatures leave you alone?
Just the ocean and hope the killer creatures leave me alone.
I’ll hope for you, too.
The canderu fish is creepy! I watched some of those “big fish in river” shows yesterday too. The one swallowed a guy whole… that’s ridiculous!
I saw that! These fresh water fish cheat the game of life. They shove a square peg into the circle of life. What does that even mean? You tell me.
Yeah… No.
Right? No.
I almost had to clean a combination of snot and coffee off my computer screen. I should have known better.
Grey’s bases a lot of their medical stuff on actual cases… they have a consultant or two who do all the research.
I figured they checked some things. But that scenario just seemed so wild.
Aw, man. And I had just gotten over the picture of the nasty looking foot.
If it doesn’t have whirlpool jets, I’m not getting in.
I like how you think.
My mom lives in Florida and one time we were swimming and completely freaked the fuck out because we were sure we saw a shark.
It was a wave.
Better safe than sorry.
That reminds me of the time I got “forced” to kayak off Cape Cod in seal-infested waters. Seals eat people, too.
This is why I prefer clear water (lots of the Caribbean, Maya Riviera, etc.). At least I can see the stuff that’s about to kill me.
Clear water sounds better. Gives me time to push children in the way of the oncoming water-beast.
Are you kidding me? They actually put a shark on the building? I’d pay to see that.
Oh, yeah. And if you’re here in late July, I’ll show you for free!
I’m cringing in my chair right now. I already don’t do the ocean. Thanks a lot.
You are welcome. Between your cringing and my openly crying at just watching this on TV, we’ve got quite the team.
At some point soon, your blog will get a hit from a Google search for ‘fish in penis’, and you will have to see that every time you look at your stats page for two weeks.
Just sayin’.
At some point. Though, the hits I get now are ridiculous enough.
Of course the penis fish is fact. Stuff like that is just too good to have been made up. And yes, I believe everything I see on TV.
As well you should. It’s not a lie if it’s entertaining.
I watched that show once and I had enough. Now I’m concerned about fish swimming up girl body parts. Ugh.
See? Nature is not as friendly as it pretends.
We think VERY much alike. After watching shark week several years ago and seeing a story on how a fisherman caught a shark IN THE MISSISSIPPI IN ST LOUIS i now only go in clorinated water. that is my rule.
I like your rule. In the Mississippi? That’s way too close to home.
fish in penis?
FISH IN PENIS?!?
i just wanted to type penis.
penis.
Yeah, you did. Dreams coming true.
You don’t do open water? You need to read this blog series of mine, Swimming w/ Nemo. I do not know how to swim but somehow I’m still alive after scuba diving
http://phampants.wordpress.com/2008/12/12/swimming-w-nemo-pt-1/
I can swim. Not well enough to avoid a great white, but who can?
Have you ever seen the show “Sea Monsters”? :
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sn/prehistoric_life/tv_radio/wwseamonsters/deadliest_seas1.shtml
The creatures we have in our bodies of water currently are nothing compared to the beasts that used to lurk our oceans!
As for the fish swimming up the guy’s urethra, ouch! I’ve heard about those fish before though when I volunteered at a zoo and a zookeeper told me about them! That’ll teach somebody to pee in the water rather than in an outhouse or behind a tree! LOL
Definitely seen it. And sea monsters are so why I don’t like bridges and boats.
I’m okay with pools, but the ocean freaks me OUT unless it’s crystal clear and I can see EVERYTHING. Even then, the slightest tickle on my leg will have me squealing like Kevin James.
I got dragged under because of the current once and pulled way out. Not again. Never again.
yikes. well i hate to say it, but that guy shouldnt have been peeing in the river…I mean i know its a river, but thats like peeing in the pool. im sure he learned his lesson on that.
and i REFUSED to watch open water…only because I am scared of sharks and the deep seas. I’m fine with a crystal blue shallow areas…but once you start to get out there and cant see…oh the heebee gees start to kick in and I get nervous.
Your brain works like my brain. Can’t see = no go.
Maybe you could try “doing” open water with a condom…
Very, very, very nice. Well played. And that’s all I have to say about that.
I just… couldn’t help it
Good. It was awesome.