Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…
Welcome, to TMI Thursday!
LiLu has changed the world with her TMI series and today I’m playing along.
The rules: share “some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, ‘how many readers can I estrange THIS week??’ TMI story about your life.”
The breakdown: a blog-based, group-love brand of humiliation.
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“The birds and the bees.”
I still don’t know why we call it that. Which one is what I have? But either way, it can fly — is that right?
But that’s not what I asked when my mom gave us the sex talk.
I couldn’t have been any older than ten, which means my brother couldn’t have been any older than six. Six. My mom was getting us started pretty early. And this wasn’t an anomaly. A few years later, a friend would “accidentally” order pay-per-view porn at my house. When I called my mom as a preemptive defense, knowing she’d see it on the bill, she said in complete seriousness, “Well, watch it. You might learn something.”
But back to the sex talk…
Mom called us down to the kitchen and the three of us gathered around our wooden easel. It was a flip easel: on one side a dry erase board, on the other a chalkboard. She had been drawing. It was incredibly accurate, now that I think about it. Some flaccidity here, a patch of hair there, an oval in the corner and a shaft approaching the oval… There were two full-bodied, naked people, complete with facial expressions and a zoom-in view of their happy zones.
Mom started explaining that when the lady said, “Yes,”¹ we put our pee-pee in, we pulled our pee-pee out, we put our pee-pee in and we moved it all about. She warned us, though, that if it felt dry inside it was because we were doing it wrong.
I loved learning. And I never held back a question. And at this point, a question was rumbling in my belly.
me: mom…
mom: yes?
me: what if we have to pee when we’re in there?
mom: …
me: can we just pee inside her?
The look on her face… I have never seen her face that blank since that night. You know how plain, white light is actually a blend of various colors? Well, it was like she was thinking “horror + fear + disgust + disappointment” and it just showed blank, expressionless.
mom: make sure you go beforehand.
me: but what if, mom?
mom: then you politely say, “Excuse me,” get up and go to the bathroom. You do not pee inside her.
She paused and waited for this to sink in for me. At some point, I nodded and she nodded and then she went back to the talk as planned. We’ve never brought up the question since.
I learned a valuable lesson that night, kids; one that I’ve carried with me for almost two decades: the vagina is not just some container. You can’t just stuff things in there like it’s a hallway closet. It has many purposes. It just has one less than I first thought as a kid.
__________
¹To this day, I will not put the key in the ignition without this exact keyword.
HAHAHAHA! WOW. The really funny part was that I thought the same thing as a pubescent teen.
Oh, no. No one gave you the “don’t pee in her” speech?
I’m a girl and I’ve always wondered if a guy could do that. I never had anyone to ask though.
Welcome. And yeah: it’s possible, but I’m a firm believer (now) that it should never happen.
LMFAO!
That is hilarious…
the vagina is not just some container. You can’t just stuff things in there like it’s a hallway closet.
This made me laugh out loud, only because I can see the expression on your face as you say it…LOL
I make this teaching face. I twist my face all incredulously, like “How you could you not know this?” whenever I’m trying to teach important life lessons.
wow. inspired. your mom fucking rocks. also, GREAT QUESTION! i think when i got the sex talk, it was all mean girls’ coach whatever who was schtupping the asian girls. “don’t have sex! you’ll get preggo and stds! here are some condoms.”
and i love that she was like, after the girl says yes. your mama raised you right.
“Here are some condoms.” Brilliant. Naturally. No one ever believes the warnings they give before that.
Hahahaha that’s awesome. Your mom rules! Especially the polite yet firm answer to your query. And the illustrations. And the “maybe you’ll learn something” from porn.
Seriously awesome.
She’s amazing. And I just remember thinking, “Mom can’t draw.” But there it was: an anatomy lesson in chalk.
Much more informative than my sex talk where my father said “Lexa, do not EVER let a man put his penis inside your vagina until you are married”.
Sorry, Pops.
Yeah. My dad’s given me a lot of advice I’ve had to skip. Keeping dad proud; keeping dad proud.
bwahahaha! that’s awesome that you have such a clear memory of something so hilarious! my sister and i just got a picture book and i’m sure it was accompanied by an awkwardly funny talk but i can’t remember it.
also instead of porn i would HIGHLY RECOMMEND romance novels as a fantastic learning tool.
A whole picture book on the sex talk? I’ve heard of these, but never seen one. Like pop-up pictures?
“the vagina is not just some container”
Why am I imagining a Ted Stevens viral video to this tune…
a very cute (kinda) story- the birds and the bees at ten, wow! My parents never told me anything- I had to learn it on the streets like all the disenfranchised kids.
On the streets? Really? Seriously — I thought the talk was normal at the time… and until today. Whatever. It’s still normal.
OMG.. I asked my mom the exact same question when I got the sex talk !
I said “Mommy, can the man pee in there ?”
To which she answered : “No, he can’t ..”
And that was that, we moved on to more important things
LOL I didn’t care about the sex, I was just wondering if he could pee .. hehehe !
That’s awesome. I just want to know what goes through a mom’s head when the child asks that.
Wait, are you sure your mom wasn’t hoping you would grow up to be a porn star?
…
I am not.
You’re a true gentleman for respecting the ignition, f.B.
It’s like a palace of wonders. Respect, indeed.
You are fantastic!
“the vagina is not just some container. You can’t just stuff things in there like it’s a hallway closet” Yeah, tell that to the Duggars.
They wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t listen. She’s got kids coming out of her ears. Well, kids and 16th century hair.
Your mom is officially awesome.
And I’ve known a few people who were very much hallway closets and liked it that way.
To each her own. The key is asking.
Oh my god…I’m dying at my desk. Hilarious. What an inquisitive child…
I still ask the dumbest of questions. The dumbest.
Words to live by, my friend. Words to live by.
Maybe I could put them inside a card? Start my own line of greeting cards centered on sex talks?
This was good in real life… even more delicious the second time around.
Only you, my friend, only you.
Score. I worried it would be dull repeated.
(But probably me too, if I was a guy. If we’re being honest here.)
Yeah, you would.
sage advice
This is a teaching blog. A useless-lesson teaching blog.
Haha excellent!!! No one ever gave me the talk. I had to figure it out myself. When I was about 11 an older friend told me in lurid detail about “goings on in the Netherlands” (as it were) and I stood there with a look on my face as if someone had told me that Santa Claus fornicated with pigs and said, “EWWW who’d want to do THAT?”
Yep.
The image of Santa Claus fornicating with pigs will haunt me today. Those poor pigs. Oh wait. We hate pigs because of pig flu. That poor Santa…
no it was black and white drawings and only like 8 pages long. they didn’t really draw “the act” as i recall it, just sort of “here what a man looks like” and “here is what a woman looks like” and they go together.
the only drawing that vividly stuck with me was the one showing how men get hairy. i was sooooo scared of the chest/armpit/leg hair. *shudder* i still remember being freaked out and thinking that body hair was the grossest thing.
clearly i had a lot to learn about men being gross.
Body hair can still be the grossest thing. And for exactly that reason, I will say no more.
Wow. My moms sex talk to me was more like “DONTHAVESEXORYOUWILLDIE.” My dads was “if you ever have sex, show me the guy who did it to you so I can cut off his dick in his sleep.”
Parents are so much more protective of their daughters. My parents preached responsibility really, really heavily. But my mom, at least, just let us make our own decisions.
Your mom is way cooler to give this kind of sex talk.
Mine simply said “Don’t have sex. Ever.”
That’s what my dad said. And then I think he quoted the Bible.
omg. i’m totally new here, but that was hilarious!
idk if my parents ever gave me the sex talk…my dad pretty much said if I brought boys home he’d bring out his gun.
you’re mom is so funny, and considering how young you were, could you imagine how mortified you would have felt if she did that talk when you were 14 or 15??
and watching porn with your mom saying watch it you’ll learn something? totally. priceless.
If we did that at 14… Yes. “Mortified” is so the right word.
I think I just fell in love with your little boy self.
And he loves you. The sharing you do on your blog is incredible.
Awww! This is cute – in a weird TMI way!
Also. My parents never told me anything. Thank GOD I loved reading from an early age.
Really? Nothing? I always thought everyone got these. Well, maybe not exactly like this.
oh it HURTS! I AM LAUGHING SO HARD IT HURTS
MY FACE! MY STOMACH! MY AAABBSS!!
BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*SNORT*
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Easily one of the best five comments ever. We will talk about how awesome you are tomorrow.
Hands down, best birds and bees story ever. You win. Everything.
Since I never win at anything, I’m actually smiling pretty hugely right now. Thanks.
You’re a better man than I…
*grin*
Uh oh. I think I know what that means.
This had me cracking up. We never got a talk or anything even remotely related to sex ed; my parents were apparently of the belief that if you don’t tell them about it, they won’t figure it out. Um yeah, so sorry to disappoint…
Does that theory still work? Because there a lot of things I don’t talk about with my dad…