credit: SOLENT
Based on the box office numbers, one out of every 4 beings in the universe saw J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek this weekend. We were two of those.
Four things stood out:
1. crystal-clear character distinction and development
2. special effects
3. the failure-of-conception (aka “accidental womb dropping”) in front of us who stood and screamed for his friends during the previews
4. flying utility vehicles (“FUVs”)
I was mesmerized by the FUVs. They were like small capacity, futuristic Zipcars. And I want one. In fact, if I remember elementary school correctly, I was promised one. We were told that by the time the year 2000 started we’d have flying cars. Here we are, though, nearly a decade deep into the new millennium, and not only do we not have flying cars, we don’t even really have marketable, fuel-efficient cars.
But since I only paid about as much attention in school to physics and engineering as could be expected of a young, American male interested in music, I don’t have the skill set to fill this void with my own invention. So, I guess I’ll just work on a draft of a medium-strength-worded letter to send the automotive industry and to forward to the Better Business Bureau.
What I’ve got, so far:
Automakers,
You know why the automobile industry is failing? You know why experts say GM’s bankruptcy is almost inevitable? It’s not because you didn’t go green. It’s because you didn’t go black; as in space; as in where are our flying cars?! If Heather Graham, Matt LeBlanc and Lacey Chabert could get Lost in Space in a 1998 remake, then — dammit — I should have a flying car in 2009.
I wanted to tell you that this is your Final Countdown to get us to the final frontier. I’m pretty sure, though, that the final countdown has expired. I’m also pretty sure, though, that no one has ever understood what Europe was talking about in that song.¹ So let me break it down for you cartoon style.
Meet George Jetson; his boy, Elroy; daughter, Judy; Jane, his wife.
See also Rosey and Astro.
You know what they had, in 1962? That’s right: a flying car. Actually, all of their friends had flying cars. You know how many of my friends have flying cars? Zero.² That’s, like, an infinizillion times less flying cars in our real lives than in their cartoon lives.
And before you get all factual on me, and start clamoring about how the Jetsons were just fantasy, let me remind you that I don’t care. My expectations may be unreasonable, but I only have them because you said I could 15 years ago. You planted the seed, but now you don’t want to have to water the plant. You’re a deadbeat dream-gardener. You poorly garden dreams you plant with seeds of hope. You leave the dreams to wilt and die.
Sick of waiting,
f.B
P.S. — Most of this letter also applies to hovercrafts.
_________
¹”We’re heading for Venus and still we stand tall.” Nope. No clue.
²Unless they’re holding out on me. And I will get them for that.
What is up with the people who act like inbreds in the theater? This is why I wait to see most things at home; I fear one day I will snap and just commit homicide.
I think they’re theater-babies. I think like babies raised by wolves in the wild, parents dropped these kids off at the movies and never returned. So, theater-babies have been raised in the creepy underbellies of dark theaters. They don’t know any better.
I’m pretty sure I was promised a flying car, too. Remember when the year 2000 was this magical, so-far-in-the-future, hi-tech promise?
What a letdown.
2000 was supposed to be the promised land. We should have a “Letdown by the Millennium” party. Because it’s an excuse to complain and drink.
If a medium-strength worded letter doesn’t get ‘em, nothing will.
I’d let you in my flying car but the last pal I let in insisted on yakking all over the place when we did a loop. So, um, no.
I’m no ordinary pal, though. I clean up after I yak.
so weird that “the future is now” and these crazy, futuristic sounding years are upon us, sans flying cars. i’m nervous about next year. i don’t know how to say 2010 out loud. twenty-ten??? AWKWARD. and what is VH1 going to do for their “I Love the 90′s????” continuation? “I love the twenty-teens?”
Oh, god. What is VH1 going to do? “Twenty-teens” will not work. It just won’t.
I’m pretty pissed that we have no flying cars OR flying skateboard doo-hickies like in Back to the Future.
I feel totally vamboozled.
Flying skateboards!
You guys seriously don’t have flying cars? Wow! You can borrow mine anytime.
I knew you’d come through for us.
We were two, as well. It was spectacular, especially because we didn’t have any theatre babies. We did have some HARD CORE Trekkies who laughed just a little too hard at the references to the original movies, but I forgive them. You would, too, if you’d heard their laughs…
You gotta forgive them. They’re living their dream.
I suspect that if I owned a flying car, I would have air rage instead of road rage. I’ll just wait for the air taxi.
The human condition. You’re right: apparently we can’t just leave it on the ground.
I saw the movie this weekend and I really enjoyed it- it definitely did a lot to cross-over the Trek universe to the mainstream in an enjoyable fashion.
I mean look Spock is getting booty in this “reboot” of the franchise!
Also Kirk should get himself checked out after sleeping with that Orion chick…
http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Gaila_(Orion)
damn!
That movie ruled. My only gripe was with the opening scene where Kirk is born. I mean seriously; you expect me to believe that humans advance enough to TRAVEL THROUGH TIME and have LITTLE MEDICINE GUNS WITH WEIRD VACCINES/DISEASES but yet childbirth is STILL PAINFUL?!?
I ain’t buying it.
“Final Countdown,” is a Detroit classic because of it’s association with the Pistons. Any reference to it earns my adoration.
Seriously, though….flying cars should have been out by 2002 at the latest.
I was forced to see the movie by The Mister. I didn’t hate it, so I figured most people would like it. I really dislike Star Trek in general.
I want my very own Atlantis Space Shuttle. In fact, I want the one that launched today. Not sure where I’m going to park it.
“sick of waiting” heh heh, ha.
I am about to sound like a NERD. Ready? Set? GO! I was reading about The Jetsons and it was set 100 years in the future.
1962 + 100 years = 2062.
You have 53 years until you get your flying car. Sorry!
If I am still alive then I PROMISE to buy you a flying car. XOXO
Noooooo….
You will? Ok. Things are looking up.