After reading an op-ed in Time, I realized this blog has been missing something. Can you guess? Other than “piss,” it’s the other six words Carlin noted the FCC won’t let us say on TV. Actually, I guess it’s a bunch of their derivatives and sidekicks, too.
I’ve gone lengths to avoid them, even quoting a favorite Orbit commercial — “What the french, toast?” — to get as close to the Sun as possible without becoming Icarus.
But that analogy is totally misplaced, and not just because I’m not the kind of person who drops mythology in conversation. I don’t believe that saying the more popular version of what “What the french, toast?” implies really puts anyone at risk of falling into the sea like Icarus did. Actually, I think the opposite. I always have. So why the avoidance?
Blame it on my youth.
I thought it would (artificially) make me stand out; that I’d be the kid who didn’t curse. So, in high school, I stopped. Turns out, not cursing is a lot like not cheering in the center of a sea of screaming fans at a concert: no one notices, at all. The silence your voice makes is drowned out by the shouts of others, fully engaged, enjoying the moment.
Stubbornly refusing to give in that readily, I convinced myself not cursing would be like an experiment, a challenge: could I always find a way to get my point across without it?
The results of the experiment so far? They look bleak, kids, bleak.
Well, maybe the box in that picture shouldn’t be totally empty. But much like with NaBloPoMo, a challenge I respect but have no interest in doing again, I’m bored. I feel like I’ve been dieting for years; like I’ve been trying to convince myself just how delicious, for example, rice cakes can be, when everybody knows rice cakes are the toilet paper of the food industry.
And then I thought of James Lipton, because toilet paper and rice cakes make me think of James Lipton.
Ok, no. I thought of Lipton because of the questionnaire, adopted from Bernard Pivot, he does at the end of every episode of Inside the Actors Studio. I don’t know why only creative industry types get those questions. They’re general enough for us all.
But the point…
The only way to fail a questionnaire, in which there are no wrong answers, is to not answer a question. Question #7: “What is your favorite curse word?” therefore, would mean I’d fail a questionnaire.
Fail a questionnaire. Why does this seem absurd to me? Because the freshest memory I have of anyone failing at something that easy is one of the Celebrity Jeopardy skits on SNL, when Trebek presents the Final Jeopardy as “How about your favorite food? Just write down whatever food you personally like most, any food you like to eat… Keep in mind you can’t be wrong. You can even lie to me…”
Unless I start breaking in some words I couldn’t say on TV, I’m gonna fail a questionnaire (that no one is ever going to ask me to answer anyway, I know). Me not answering question #7 is like the celebrities not being able to name a food, any food. And the absurdity of that is a lot like the absurdity of thinking there is, if ever was, any value left in the pristine approach. I’ve been told that choosing words carefully can be very gentlemanly, at times, but it’s also like speed-restrictor plates in NASCAR.¹ It’s a hindrance. And it’s like playing a game no one’s ever heard of to win a prize no one wants.
More importantly, I think it’s hurting my story-telling. And I can’t have that.
So, today, I need you to be obscene. How would you answer question #7 and why? Think of the comment box as a foreign language immersion program. What word should I break the cycle/start with? Extra points if you define it Urban Dictionary style and use it in a sentence.
_____
¹A NASCAR reference? You didn’t think I had it in me, did you?
Eff that.
Okay, swearalicious I’m not. At least not on the internet. Once in a while, maybe, but generally implied swearing/abbreviations work fine for me. So, I’m no help.
*hangs head*
*lifts her head* Buck up. Your head is heavy with class, and that is always cool.
And “wtf” isn’t going anywhere. I won’t let it.
Oh I curse in two languages. Though I try not to when I write blogs because a good writer can get across frustration without resorting to curse words. Or so I tell myself.
But my favorite curse word?
F**k
Particularly because of this scene in Boondock Saints:
Rocco: Fuckin’- What the fuckin’. Fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking… How did you two fucking fucks…
Rocco: Fuck!
Connor: Well, that certainly illustrates the diversity of the word.
Yeah, this seems to be a crowd favorite. And I knew this scene!
Fucking hell.
Very English heritage, no?
Really, since I got rid of my car, that’s about it for me. No road rage, no cursing. It’s a fucking miracle!
The English heritage in that is just dripping. Dripping.
Clusterfuck. ‘Cause it just spells mayhem.
I’ve flip flopped over whether I should censor myself on the ol’ blog, but I’ve given up on it. I swear like a sailor on my best days in person, why should I be any different through my written voice?
But at the same time, I recognize that there is a time and a place for everything. You can’t just go around throwing down the c-bomb or the f-bomb all willy-nilly just because you think you can.
So I’ll need to be careful and use tact. This is starting to sound like work. But I guess it has to be easier than what I’ve been doing.
Fucktard.
It has its own tag on my blog.
I like that. It sounds like a few people I know.
Though I would prefer that I didn’t, I still curse and my favorite word is “Asshat” preferably used in combination with the word “feckless.”
Prefer that you didn’t? It sounds like there’s a cost involved, here…
PQ, I love that Boondock Saints scene. As for the whole swearing vs. not, I tried *not* during Lent. Super hard. Now that it’s allowed again, I find I’m much more of a “dammit!” girl. Kind of on a regular basis. I guess that’s on the less offensive end…
Dammit. It’s definitely my word of choice. I never leave home without it.
It’s the ‘F’ word.
super versatile… I cuss WAY to much and it’s not lady like and blah blah blah but if I didn’t cuss, I’d have to actually use adjectives and I just don’t think I’m strong enough for that.
Adjec- what?
I enjoy a good F-bomb every once in awhile, I don’t use it a whole lot on my own blog either.
However “Asshat” is rising stock with me- I had a cast member use it all the time and I always thought it was funny.
I say “asshat.” I didn’t know “ass” counted. Now I feel like this post was completely misinformed.
Dirtyratfacedmotherfucker.
noun-Most commonly used to describe a failed attempt at something menial
**shaves off too much of left side of mustache making a “hitler stash” necessary = DIRTYRATFACEDMOTHERFUCKER!
You are probably the greatest person I’ve ever not really met.
personally …i have to choose whorebucket… i learned it on the blogernets…and well….we whorebuckets TOOK it back…so to speak
…
My new years resolution for the last several years has to be a BETTER/ more creative swearer…id love to be able to do it as well as the say the Irish or the British…they have it perfected…
i dont think of it as swearing i think of it as using ALLLL the words at my disposal… none off limits… as long as youngsters and old folks are not within earshot….i WAS raised southern
xoxo
No “whorebuckets” for the kiddies and grannies? Ok, I can promise that.
And I’m so with you on being able to curse like a Brit.
OK, here’s the weird thing.
On my blog and Twitter, I curse like a sailor (or, as Twitter put it, “an enthusiastic porn star”.) But in real life? I barely curse at all. I say “dang”, “gosh”, “frig”… the only exception being the MF-word, which I actually have tattooed on my ass (don’t ask) and drop like Lindsay Lohan drops dress sizes.
Can I borrow “an enthusiastic porn star?”
Note to self: above question is hilarious.
How would I answer it?
Like this.
Everybody loves the Boondock Saints…
hmm.. how about swearing in a different language. I have a very loose tongue with profanity, but when the occasion calls for decorum, I bust out in my native curse words… cause nobody knows what the hell I’m saying.
My favourites to use is bum-bo cla’at, but often a string of different ones is very effective.
I’m actually a huge user of “fudge” and I really do say “fudge.” Big dork here. Big dork. Huge.
My go-to is “balls.”