Jersey.
We don’t pump our own gas (it’s illegal). We have the driest wit in America. We lovingly self-deprecate more times a day than you probably say words with the letter “e” in them. Want proof? The governor asked the citizens to create and vote for the state slogan. You know what won? ”New Jersey, Come See for Yourself.“
And yes, we’ve heard your jokes. The armpit of America. The plays on the fact that we’re literally the densest state in the country. The smells. The irony of our Garden State moniker. The Sopranos/mafia quips. Once, someone asked me, “What smells and is where people go to fail at life?” I said, “Nursing home.” He could barely stop giggling long enough to spit out, “Nope. Dirty Jerz.”
So yeah, we got your jokes. But we’ve been able to brush our shoulders off and ignore them, resting on our unwavering kickassedness.
That is, until now.
Now, we’ve had our hideous underbelly exposed by five women Bravo probably MetroNorth’d in from upstate NY or imported from Long Island.¹
I’m speaking, of course, of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Let’s get one thing straight: this, is not Jersey.
The Jersey I know is remarkably like a Kevin Smith movie. Though confused if you don’t, it doesn’t care that you don’t like it. And it certainly doesn’t parade — from right to left — a lady who won’t stop publicly talking in code about how “tightly knit” her “family” is like the mob’s anthem is a version of “Go Tell it on the Mountain,” three ladies² who’d multi-fail a remedial eating course and a woman (far left) that, frankly, after watching the 22-minute sneak preview, I just don’t like, as spokespersons.
The Jersey I know wouldn’t look at a glass already half-full with stereotypes and ask these broads to piss in it ’til full. It’s a family thing. We can say whatever we want about ourselves. But we keep it in the circle. You know what I’d do drunk? A lot. But you know what I would never do, even drunk? Insult Jersey in mixed company.
I’m not counting these broads as “Jersey girls.” That phrase is for a special kind of lady that these women wouldn’t know if one walked up and stealth-punched them in the throats for speaking without being spoken to. These “real” housewives are a charade. Just look at them: they’re in couture posing opposite industrial fans to create a wind-blown-hair look, while on the boardwalk at the beach.
If you’re still wondering why this pains me so, the kicker: they’re based in my county, Bergen County. And that just feels like a sandpaper ball-rub. The promise of this show feels like someone is sandpapering my balls. All the pre-show hype (it hasn’t aired yet) is rubbing me against the grain and I just can’t take it.
So, I’m going with the grain. *hangs head*
I’m gonna watch it; at least the first episode. I gotta keep an eye on mine enemies so that I might trounce them when the time is right. Maybe I’ll even host a viewing party and make something out of it. Not to celebrate, of course. Nubby-balls no! But so I can teach the non-Jerseyers what is and isn’t true about the greatest state in the union. I’ll take one for the team and sit through this madness.
If you’ve got any recommendations on a great bourbon for me to slurp straight from the bottle while I watch, the box below is open for suggestions.
Oh, and I almost forgot:
Dear prestigious legal counsel of these five delightful people,
It’s satire and jokes. Think of it as stand-up comedy from the seated position.
Also, I have nothing.
– f.B
_____
¹I throw you under the bus for kid, NY and LI. For kid.
²Though, in all fairness, the blonde in the pink might know what food is. Maybe.
You don’t pump your own gas? Please send me relocation information. I HATE pumping gas.
Exit 18 off the turnpike. Bergen County. But they’ll do it for you statewide.
I used to love the full service stations when we drove through Jersey.
Jerz gets it worse, but there are a lot of RI jokes. Everything is compared to being as small as RI, the size of RI, people ask if I know everyone in RI…
Full service stations only work if the attendant is attracted to you. Otherwise, you get gas and maybe the dude will spit on your windshield to remove a stain, maybe not.
There is no way those girls are Strong Island imports. No where near enough height in the hair.
That’s a fair point. Very fair. Though I think there’s a little more height when you see one of them on tv.
I’m from Prince Edward Island, which, despite being a Canadian province, no one south of New Brunswick has heard of. And if they have, it’s because of potatoes. So yeah, I’m in no place to cast stones.
Everybody’s got a glass house. But for some reason, it’s like no one can read the “fragile” sign on ours in Jersey.
in our house jersey is referred to as “god’s country” as the hubby is from morristown/madison. that doesn’t mean i didn’t laugh my ass off when i saw a t shirt proclaiming:
Jersey girls aren’t trash, trash gets picked up.
So wrong. So wrong. *wondering about admitting I laughed a little, too*
I had no idea. How many shows are there now about “real housewives” and are any of them anything close to reality? (I should watch a little more TV. Grow my culture currency.)
I think this is the kind of currency one can do without. Though if you’re interested in seeing that first episode…
Maybe it will just be a one episode deal.
Opening credits- bunch of vapid broads sipping $26 coffees and discussing who’s getting divorced next when all of a sudden Al Pacino bursts in and guns them all down in a mighty hail of lead and flying brain matter. Closing credits roll as Pacino giggles in the background and camera focuses on large pool of blood, blond hair and an oozing sea of silicone.
I think you just stole FX’s idea for a new show.
That’s one thing I never understood w/ Jesery, why you’re not allowed to pump your own gas.
Southern Jersey is nice. Northern Jersey is really the armpit of America
I’m a North Jersey kid. I won’t take shots at South Jersey here. But no way are we the sour, soggy crevice everyone says we are.
Dr. Copyright has a shirt that says:
Jersey- Only The Strong Survive.
Many of his cousins are from Cherry Hill and whenever we’re at a family function, I can’t help but notice the overabundance of dark lip liner and cheap perfume.
Urban Outfitters, right? I’ve seen that shirt.
What if my pants were already off…?
Then you win. Win what? Everything.
As much as I rag on Jersey (as a Philly girl, you know), I do love/hate the beaches and boardwalks. And I can’t imagine a “Real Housewives” there.
If you have a viewing party…
Oh, you’re so in.
Kelly Ripa is the realest Jersey girl!
Dude, really? She’s from Jersey? I didn’t know this. Where?
Maybe I’m in love with you? Because maybe I was going to write about this tomorrow?
And we haven’t even met. Are you ready to meet my parents? What – too soon?
f.B. I think we are growing a penchant for trashy TV- now I don’t want much to begin with but I know Blonde Charity Mafia is totally on my list.
And you are invited to RH of NJ and BCM-party-crashing. We can fight this thing together.
Sorry to say, I’m one of THOSE people whose only experience of Jersey has been the Turnpike, on a road trip from Boston to Philly.
I’ve watched two episodes of The Sopranos. And some of House M.D., but that could be anywhere.
I have to give Jersey credit for containing the town which inspired one of the greatest book titles I have ever heard: The Hoboken Chicken Emergency.
That’s pretty much all I know. But this post has given me hope that there’s more to the state than the cliches and stereotypes.
Hoboken! My best friend was born in Hoboken.
I actually have really nice memories of Jersey. People always look at me funny when I say that.
Hm.
Hear that, people? Nice memories.
Have you ever noticed how the outline of the state looks like the profile of some guy in a cap who’s crossing his arms and puffing his lips out in a haughty manner?
Just me?
Huh.
Jersey? Haughty? Whaaaat?
My hubby is ADDICTED to all those Real Wives shows. hahaha..
And see, I live in the armpit of California but I love it here!
Armpits aren’t so bad, when they’re deodorized.
i wonder when we’ll get the real housewives of cleveland?
oh wait.
never.
I wouldn’t say never. Maybe at least Youngstown?
according to wikipedia (and you know they’re always right), she’s from camden county NJ
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelly_ripa
Had no idea. Maybe I should’ve paid attention a little more.
Every one of those women, have a jacked up face. NO! Not Okay.
You’re still coming to watch, though, right? Bring some strong ale. We’ll make it through.