Everybody’s got something, right? A chink in the armor here, an Achilles’ heel there, an awkward love/hate thing with The Nightman… Insecurities abound. Actually, for the purposes of this post, let’s just refer to all insecurities as “Nightmen.”
To conceal them, we wear hats, baggy clothes and clothes that are too tight. We self-tan, eat more, eat less and watch reality tv shows. We laugh at jokes about our Nightmen and even start jokes about them ourselves to get ahead of the curve in awkward moments when we feel a joke coming. Some of these methods work better than others.
But you know what 60% of the time works every time? Having someone scream your Nightmen at you in broad daylight on U Street.
Example, Saturday.
A friend and I had just left DC Noodles. It was about 1:30p, gorgeous outside, and I was headed west towards 16th. Feeling good, feeling great; watching my step at an uneven part of the sidewalk, and then, about two feet from my face…
Older Crotchety Dude: HEY!!
all of U Street between 14th & 15th: *turns*
OCD: lift yo head up, bwoy!
me: …
OCD: just ’cause you kinda skinny –
me: (hey; I’ve gained 20 pounds since –)
OCD: — and you ain’t as dark-skinded¹ as me is –
me: (great. now no one will mistake me for Djimon Hounsou.)
OCD: — don’t mean you ain’t worth. Just look at me!
And then he smiled a “where are my teeth” smile and just walked away, as quickly as he appeared.
I get approached a lot in public. It’s probably because I look everyone in the eye and smile or nod. But not looking at this dude is what got me publicly pitied by a man with no teeth. Go figure.
I’m used to public accostings. I’ve been told, loudly, to cut my hair and that my dad didn’t raise me well. I’ve also come dangerously close to being punched in the throat by, I believe, the same lady who spit at a friend of LiLu’s B.
In short, I should see this coming. I should be ready to defend my Nightmen on site. But since practice makes perfect, I apologize in advance if I yell out stuff like, “My Nightmen keep me warm at night, so leave them alone!” in the middle of totally unrelated conversation. I just have to be ready.
_____
¹Yes. I meant “skinded” and not “skinned.”
I think that same guy told me a couple weeks ago that I had a nice rack. Hmmm. I wonder if he stands on U just to comment on other people’s bodies. And if so I wonder how well that pays…
Let’s do some research. If it is at all profitable, and I mean at all, let’s make this a joint venture.
First of all, kick-ass Always Sunny reference…
I’ve never had strangers throw my insecurities in my face…It’s actually been myself first, and then people close to me who want to help me get OVER them…
I own that ponytail..and the split ends.
It’s the only way to make it by because if you’re not over it, someone will use it to take you under.
He didn’t take me under. I was more just surprised he was being so complete with his thoughts rather than saying something like, “Your face is buggly.”
Oh I didn’t say he did…obviously he didn’t.
I was speaking more in a general sense.
Now I’m going to avoid U street when I move into the city to avoid him…because lord knows, he’d catch me on a bad day and make me cry.
I believe you. Totally. Something happened with this post that wasn’t supposed to. It started all funny in my head and came out all bleak. My reply was just in that style. I need someone to tell me a joke or something.
And you’re not allowed to miss U Street because of him. It is DC law. You must go.
Then will you and Miss Bianca be my chaperons so I can go to U Street without being afraid?
Professor: I’m of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly’s “Hot in Here.” We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, “I am getting so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off.” This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don’t lie.
–NYU Bobst Library
Overheard by: queenofscots
This worked. Thanks.
Also, personal tours of U Street are definitely available, since I used to live there.
“We laugh at jokes about our Nightmen and even start jokes about them ourselves to get ahead of the curve in awkward moments when we feel a joke coming.”
Oh yes. Very much so.
It’s just easier.
I keep my nightmen drunk. They are far more congenial that way.
Yep. Plus drinking usually means it’s either sexy or dancing time. And there’s no room for the Nightmen in either of those.
The words of the Nightmen always seem louder and more insistent inside my head. When I expose them to the light by writing them down, they seem silly, petty and unreasonable.
Agreed. If I admitted half the ideas I have out loud, I’d probably me much less affected.
… I’m always amazed at how certain people can abruptly be introduced into our daily life… and just linger in our thoughts for no apparent reason….
He did linger. Like a Cranberries song.
Great. Now I have the song in my head…
“Master of karate and friendship for everyone!”
I think you should all call me that from now on.
I will. And I’m a little serious about this.
The weirdest thing for me was one evening after a run through downtown Chicago, I had a cute girl approach me. Now I’m VERY bad at first impressions. I always get nervous and don’t know how to act and make myself interesting. She surely called me out there as she started to strike a conversation with me.
Within the first minute, I realized that she was a Bible preacher. Oh dear God! I tend to avoid religious discussions with strangers; it’s safer that way. However, the weird thing was that I knew she wanted to talk about the Bible but she didn’t even say anything. She just wanted to talk. I’m not sure if she was also calling me out on my unwilling to talk about the Bible, but dear God, she was nailing 2 nightmen with one stone.
What were the odds of that?
Cute girl wielding missionary teachings? Not fair. Just not fair.
mmm….noodles. How can an outing that started so good turn so bad?
They were tasty. A little too sticky, but tasty.
Isn’t it time for new Always Sunny yet? I miss the gang.
I’m lonely, without them.
Crazy, no teeth, hobos are the genius prophets of our time!
He read me like a book.
Once a crazy guy (possibly the same one if he was spending the weekend in Canada) walked up to me while I was waiting for a light to change and yelled “YOU LOOK LIKE A SKELETON.” I’m not sure if he was referring to the fact that I’m the palest person on the planet (even my hair is white) or telling me that I look anorexic.
Either way, I got waaaay too upset about it. Like, almost in tears. Stupid hobos.
The weird thing is that on Saturday, this story was hilarious. But by the time it made it to the blog, just eh. Stupid rain. I blame the rain.
maybe you could go tanning? it may improve your ‘worth’
I actually tried tanning two years ago in Cape Cod. Got sunburned for the first time ever. But awesome sunburned. Like “in the shape of a ‘beater” sunburned.
I’ve written about this before a couple of times but a secret “Nightmen” I have is people pointing out how much weight I’ve loss- mostly because I still don’t feel like I’ve lost enough and I don’t want to acknowledge I am self conscious about it so everytime someone asks me about it at work I never know what to say! I make something up and get the hell out of there.
I like your plan!
I make fun of myself so nobody else can. But then they do. And it bites.
I know; like they don’t see us trying to evade them…
I believe that Sex Panther also works 60 percent of the time every time. Coincidence? You decide.
I think we have this in common–the approachable thing. Although I’m always asked for directions, no matter where I’m at. New York City, Detroit, France…I just look like I know the roads.
I always, always get asked directions. And I’m often wrong when I give them.