Ladies and gentlemen, this…
is TMI Thursday!
If you’re new around here, this is what TMI Thursday has meant to me. I thought about writing a short composition to explain, but I’m not 11 and it’s not 1956, so I skipped the composition idea and went with that nifty link. TMI Thursday is code for “remember that time you [insert gross, horrible occurrence] and how you vowed either never to speak of it again or laughed hysterically? Well, on TMIT, inspired by LiLu, we break those vows and share that laughter.
Today’s TMIT is different, though. It’s less of a story and more of a public service announcement, brought to you by the good people at the DANGLE Initiative. No, not this Dangle -
(though his mere appearance qualifies as TMI) – but the DANGLE Initiative: Dudes Against Netherly Grazing Leftover Excretions. It is a crack team organized to alert the world to one of its silent and oft-overlooked dangers: the dangle.
What’s the dangle? Let’s start from the beginning.
This is a Norwegian public toilet:
Why did I pick a Norwegian public toilet picture? Because as we all know, the average American public toilet is a steaming disaster filled with post-mudbutt remainders. And despite it being TMIT, I just wasn’t going to post an image of that first thing in the morning.
Forever, women have been professing the horror of having to sit on the seats of one of these public toilets, claiming to risk life and literally limb as their quads feel the burn of squatting at odd angles to avoid contact.
Ladies, we have it worse. We dangle. What you fear is outside the heart of the great American porcelain beast. That stuff on the seat? Arguably accidental. Sure, some people are just all sorts of stupid nasty. But what you face is mostly lazily inaccurate excretion.
We face excretion where it’s meant to be, and we face it head-on.
Size doesn’t matter here. After decades of research, DANGLE can guarantee that every male has sat on at least dozens of toilets while fearing the centerpiece of his nethers dangling and thereby grazing the INSIDE of the toilet. The INSIDE.
The process goes a little something like this: We sit. Where does the netherstick go? We remember that there’s a no-tuck rule, especially when a tuck in this situation virtually guarantees the soil on your part would be your own. We consider sitting our now nervous buddy on top of the seat, maybe even on a bed of TP. But no; then there’s a risk of spraying your jeans with stuff that was still left in the tank. So you point it down, begging it not to touch that stain of butt-fudge and what-looks-like-a-raisin on the front inner-rim. Sometimes you walk away victorious. Other times you almost make it out alive until you flush too early and get a soggy netherstick. And worst-case scenario… we here at the DANGLE Initiative are here to prevent the worst-case scenario.
Now an obvious suggested resolution is that men should start to squat above the seat. But men only hover when in a hovercraft. Not even the strong risk of having our netherstick graze the lining of an uncleaned public toilet can overwhelm our stubbornness and respect for a challenge.
Therefore, here at DANGLE, we are working hard on a solution. And we want you to help us. There’s a DANGLE suggestion box below and we’d love to hear your ideas.
Save a netherstick, save the world.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! I was so waiting for this after HH last week.
And now I’m craving Heroes…
Long overdue. Long.
Wow.
I don’t even know where to go with this one.
Let me come back after coffee…after the visuals have been burned off my brain.
I’ll be waiting for you when you come back. Even if it takes a while.
I am loving “netherstick.” Hehe.
Totally beats 50′s “magic stick.”
*stands up from office chair and begins a slow clap at the office…*
thank you sir for shedding much needed light on this ghastly ‘netherstick’ occurrence. thank you.
Today is a day for all of us.
I always wondered about that issue w/dudes but never bothered asking…
It’s a silent suffering. The DANGLE Initiative wants to lift the veil.
LOL! Dude, this is always on the forefront of my brain when I drop the kids off. Even worse, is the DANGLE splash. When you let a L.A. Class Submarine roll off the assembly line and you get a massive splash back on the twig and berries. Not cool.
Guys everywhere should be applauding you for this post today!!!
The splash. Indeed: classic horror. It’s like dipping your nads.
This was well worth the wait.
Netherstick…
Good good. I was really worried the wait had been too long…
@deutlich
“I always wondered about that issue w/dudes but never bothered asking”
I’ve asked. being the cretin that I am.
Don’t be afraid to ask a man you know. Chances are he needs to tell someone about it. Refer him to the Initiative.
I support this cause 100%. My crack team of developers is hard at work developing the prototype for the Nethersleeve 3000®. Coming to a K-Mart near you, and those kiosks that sell stuff that you see on TV.
We should plan another happy hour and discuss these suggestions.
Oh dude, count me in, this has to be thoroughly researched and put to test, I feel the pain, totally.
Glad to know too there is some hope out there for those tha uhm… dangle a bit much ?
: )
There is hope. Men should be able to dangle safely.
awww, c’mon boys- use your imagination. if you always had a flimsy little sandwich baggie in your pocket (clearly not the ziplock type) you would be all safe-like.
or,
you could just do what most of us chicks do- shit at home.
A sandwich baggie… This is interesting. Very interesting.
Yeah, there’s no good way to hover for a No. 2. I’m trying to decide whether squat toilets would be better for you, as they are for me in the no-seat-contact effort.
We can work this out. Just need a little ingenuity.
Wow. I never considered how bad you gentlemen had it in public toilets. I feel…humbled. Maybe the answer is to get a huge chubby going so that you’re pointing OUT of the bowl?
OK, maybe not. I can’t think of much less arousing than a nasty public bathroom.
The “raisin” made me spill my coffee on my shirt I shook so hard laughing. WTH IS THAT THING?
Arousal was one of the original suggestions. But we realized we don’t think you can do both simultaneously.
I wondered how that worked out… Maybe have a chamberpot lurking in the corner of the stall?
God. I never thought about that. Now, I’ll never be able not to.
netherstick, mudbutt, dangle… genius.
I am just reading this now and I am thoroughly grossed out.
“We face excretion where it’s meant to be, and we face it head-on.”
If you can translate this to latin, you’ve got yourself a regular government institution!
oh god…**netherstick**…
im gonna work that into my meeting today… if it kills me…or if it kills the dudes in my meeting… lol
good job..
xoxo
I want to second (or actually about seventh at this point) the mad props on the word ‘netherstick’.
This word is made entirely of awesome.
As far as suggestions…. a few months back I blogged about a prosthetic foreskin, and I suppose something like that could be pressed into service as a makeshift conduit.
[...] The DANGLE Initiative (f.B) [...]
And this is where the East, with its squatting toilets, wins. No danger of contact for males or females. Plus we develop better balance over time.
I could use some better balance. It must be great for the hamstrings.
[...] f.B’s The DANGLE Initiative [...]