This post happened because I ran out of body wash. Oh right, I’m a man. I ran out of liquid soap. Whatever.
Anyway, as anyone who’s a fan of hygiene knows, this is a problem time makes worse, not better. I stopped at the Farragut North CVS on the way home from work with dreams of quick resolution. Instead, I failed like a new sitcom on the CW network. The what network? Exactly.
Trust me, I’m definitely not the kind of person who rushes to ignore his mistakes. But this was not my fault. The male section of the liquid soap aisle was like a stationary parade of horribles.
First up, the Personality Disorder line of soaps.
can't I be both?
Nivea gave me two choices: Cool or Sensitive. But I don’t like settling. I like to think that, on most days, I’m both: awesomely cool and sensitive to, um, needs. My liquid soap should capture all of me. What if I had chosen Sensitive… and one day, someone notices me, “Wow, that guy’s, like, dripping in cool.” I’d have to correct, “No, no: I’m seeping Sensitive.”
Not to be outdone, though, was the Lucky Charms collection.
silly rabbit, charms are for leprechauns
Irish Spring or Emerald Mist? Emerald Mist or Irish Spring?
Damnit CVS. As if avoiding smelling like a four-leaf clover wasn’t desirous enough, you just had to go the knock-off route.
Here’s what’s weird though, CVS: I’ve never actually wanted to smell like damp moss, because that would be a disaster. You thought you knew better and tried to recreate. But you know what happens when you aim for disaster and fail? Catastrophe. And that’s what it smelled like when I cracked open that standing tub of Emerald Mist: catastrophe.
Third, the Your Smell, is Offensive: Off-e-n-s-i-v-e* line.
"destroys?!"
Dial tried to woo me with it’s 3-D Odor Defense product.
3-D? Meaning washing with this is like absorbing LSD, and I can then see love and things in dimensions I never could before?
No. 3-D like destroys, deep-cleans and defends. The middle D = not so bad. But the other two? ”Destroys?!” What the french, toast? Destroys what exactly? What is after me? Am I under attack? Is that why you have to “defend” me, too? Please, share this top secret info re: the danger I’m in from not using your product. Because I’ve apparently been reckless with my hygiene for nearly three decades, now.
Next, the Weaponry line.
This has two featured sets: Axe…
choppin' down funk since 2000-something
… and Blade.
bathe with a shiv, like it's prison
The Blade bottle even looks like a blade! Great. Because when I’m in the shower, and the water’s slippery, the first place my mind goes is, “How could I add the metaphor of a knife to this?” And I know you can’t tell from the photo, but in the Axe picture, the far right scent of Axe is Snake Peel. Uh huh: Snake Peel.
If you can believe it, there are two lines left in the aisle of disappointment. Second to last, the Not if that Guy Does line.
lame.
Lever 2000. This may not be so bad. But this guy used it. Seriously, watch the whole video. At some point, he says he’d rather leave “overbearing, overpowering, too much… outward odor” scents for his body spray. And I’m not taking scent advice from a guy who aims for outward odor.
Finally, winner of the f.B’s Worst in Industry award, the Just Say No line.
come enter my red zone
To wrap it up, Old Spice offers its Red Zone series. There’s After Hours, Showtime and Double Impact. While Showtime just smelled “green,” After Hours at least smelled like its name: stale cologne. But the reason this line wins the award is Double Impact. Curious about what seemed to be mutant ooze leaking from the bottle’s cap, I picked it up and inspected.
the best of Papa Smurf
And that, my friends… that gnarly blue stuff… it looks like someone robbed a smurf sperm bank, added flour to the “mixture” and decided they should pass it off as soap. Not having it. Won’t do it. No smurf-surge for me. I don’t wanna smell like a smurf-handjob, but thanks for asking.
—
*If you’re thinking that sounds like it could be a cheer, you’re right. Think this, at the 2:32 mark, and know I got you, again.
I’ll never walk by male body wash aisle without thinking of you now. Funny, I was actually buying body wash this weekend too…I decided to go with the Dove Gentle Exfoliating Body Wash.
That aisle really is just a failure of execution. But I had to choose something…
I remember back in the day when y’all didn’t even HAVE soapy options.
Which is exactly why I chose one of the above, anyway.
So you’re not gonna reveal the winner (or the loser of choice)?
You gotta leave the people wanting more.
I love the effort that goes into marketing body wash to men. It has to be big, aggressive and somehow imply that the smell will last into the night…just in case you have a big date and choose not to shower.
What it doesn’t actually do is tell me it’s soap that cleans.
That blue stuff is much grosser than I had imagined from your description last night. Who would put that on their body? And did they in fact turn into a smurf? Don’t these companies do market testing? And if so, who were the guys who said, yes, make body wash look like liquified play-doh and I will buy it? So many questions!
Don’t insult the play-doh. It never hurt you. Unless you tried to actually eat it. Then maybe you have a reason.
Blade makes me nervous. Is that a scorpion on one of the bottles?
Yes, yes it is.
This is why I stick to may way overpriced Philosophy body soap…in black licorice, of course.
Why, of course.
Guilty.
I love the smell of Old Spice.
Let’s not delve into what that means, eh?
Deal. No delving. At least until Friday.
Just laughed out loud at this. Old Spice would’ve seemed like a good choice. Good thing you peeked before you forked over for it. Yowza.
If they had only marketed them as soap, rather than “experiences,” it would’ve been fine.
I too laughed out loud.
Though I want to experience soap in 3D.
I’ll admit it, too: “soap in 3D” sounds racy.
hahahahahahahahaha i work in this industry so hilarious to read your post…i’ll pass it around work so they can see their consumer…and yes one of the brands that you mention is ours..(but i don’t work in it directly)
Go on…what did u choose?
*whispering* Lever, shhh…